Let the Secrets and the Confessions Begin.

Dear Lord, I have some secrets and it is time to confess, for I do not want to turn to someone else to confess. The crazy part about it is that I find such deep comfort in the solitude and peace. The tranquility of the quietness, I have cherished these moments. Today, I remembered something else and it jolted me again. But it is okay, I am becoming quick at remembering something and allowing it to just sift through me, and allowing it to just process. I tire myself of these memories and know my friends have tired of me too, so I keep them to myself, for sometimes that is the way it should be. I have had many moments of intense madness, intense despair, and also moments of extreme joy, and extreme feelings of peace and tranquility. It has been a roller coaster these last two months. I remember an acquaintance telling me a comment about a vision I had. I had a vision about spinning in a merry go round during a Reiki session. She stated something along the lines that at least your emotions are going round and round, steady, versus up, down, and every which way like a roller coaster. Months later, looking into a fire, I saw they same vision, I was still spinning and going round and round, not moving backwards; but not moving forwards either. It had been months of constant spinning, maybe years. Then I crashed, I crashed to a complete stop. I had asked you once again Lord, help me, things could not stay the way they were. Something has to change. I am still in the crashed mode, but I feel I am starting to spin again; I grow tired of going round and round. So, I am throwing wrenches out there to stop the spinning, because I rather crash and stop; then waste my time and energy going round and round. I finally learned, that I get more rest by crashing at times then by spinning, aimlessly, round, and round.

Secret number one, I confess; I only draw during my times of deep despair. Times of such despair that when I am not able to put thoughts together into words. So I do not like it when people want me to draw when I do not want too. If I am not drawing, please do not ask me to draw something. Nor do I usually like to draw with people around me, because people talk. I do not mind if I draw and people are quiet around me. I ask a lot. I have been made aware of it. You see me drawing stay away from me, you see me drawing, if you have to see me. I guess, come and sit by me quietly, and please, silence brings me such peace at times, be quiet. I am drawing. I do ask for quiet time, and I have not gotten enough quiet time in the last decade and I do crave it. By the time I am drawing, I am on empty. It recharges me, it let's me put my feelings down on paper, when I do not feel like words. If I do not feel like words; I do not feel like talking. If you sit by me, and see what I am drawing, do not get disappointed. I sketch, sketches, that do not take long, and sketches that are not works of art. Really, there is no need to look, if you insist on looking and get a puzzled look in your face when you see my sketches, I warn you I have been known to throw crayons at people. I am not saying it is right or it is wrong, yes throw, yes crayons. I draw with crayons. Like I said, they are just sketches. Get over it. I apologize for being such a pain and such a nuisance. But I am a pain and a nuisance at times, it is me, I apologize but I am not sorry. I finally learned the difference of being sorry and being apologetic. I learned it today. Amen

P.S. I am quite frankly, tired of drawing at the moment, thank goodness. I am grateful for that Lord.