Lethargy Addiction - It's No Laughing Matter

Do you take the elevator to the next floor?

Do you find it easier to throw a wad of paper at the trash can and yell "LeBron!" instead of walking over to the can? Worse, do you find that you simply do not care if it goes in or not?

You are not alone. You, and millions like you, may be suffering from Lethargy Addiction.

So says Dr. Nachtyer Pfalt, head researcher at the Florida Association of Tiring, Apathy, and Sleep Syndromes.

"Lethargy Addiction is a major, major problem that affects people in all walks of life," says Dr. Pfalt. "It should be treated in a non-judgmental and supportive manner...unfortunately, for too many victims of this horrid disease, that is not the case.

Dr. Pfalt goes on to single out sport as the leading instigator of lethargy-related issues.

"Look at people yelling at JaMarcus Russell, wanting him to quote "give more effort" end quote. That disgusts me. There may be no larger group of intolerant pigs than sports coaches or drill sergeants."

When asked about whether or not one should encourage a person to extend himself beyond his normal effort, Dr. Pfalt immediately disagreed.

"You clearly don't understand that there is a chemical imbalance in this person's brain that controls the amount of effort that he or she can give. All of us have chemicals like endorphins and other things that control our emotions and feelings. We have recently discovered the enzymes that control and balance effort, indifferentium and givashist. In most people, these enzymes are in balance and they enjoy normal periods of activity and rest. But in some people, the indifferentium can be out of whack by as much as a 3 to 1 ratio or worse."

I asked him if the givashist enzyme is what contributed to the greatness of, say, Michael Jordan or Derek Jeter.

"Oh, absolutely," he agreed. "In fact, I'd be willing to wager that those particular men have an imbalance the other way, because their success is so out of line with the norm."

What about guys like the aforementioned Russell, or Eddy Curry, or even Randy Moss occasionally?

"As I said, JaMarcus Russell is a victim here. He can't help that he has an indifferentium imbalance. We'd all like to see Eddy Curry play harder, but it's just not in him to do so. He can't be made to do what his body won't allow him to do. Sure, he can dominate...but all the time? That would make him someone like Dwight Howard, and we all know Howard is a freak of nature. Randy Moss is an interesting individual, however; he seems to suffer periodic bouts where his indifferentium level overtakes his givashist and he appears, note that I say appears, to loaf. I normally hate such pejorative language, but let's be plain here: some people are willing to accuse suffers of Lethargy Addiction of being lazy, and that is something that I will not stand for."

I asked Dr. Pfalt if there is such a thing as a lazy person.

"Of course there are lazy people. Any person that does not work up to his or her ability is lazy. However, what if a person is doing something and they just don't feel like doing it anymore, or if their current effort is somehow substandard? Persons suffering from Lethargy Addiction are not merely athletes, but they are easier to identify on the field of athletic pursuit. What about the man who appears healthy but doesn't have a job? I think we are too quick to call such a person lazy, when a little research might show that he's addicted to lethargy. We'd have to know his personal history...for example, did he bother doing his homework as a child, or did he watch television? Does he maintain a clean house, or does he just leave things wherever he might drop them? Is it too much trouble for him to return a phone call or send an e-mail? Do his projects go unfinished or sloppily done? Too many times we are quick to call someone lazy when he likely has a genuine problem that needs addressing."

How would we help such a person?

"First, we have to change society's perception of what it means to be lazy, and what it means to be Lethargy Addicted. We have to make people understand that it's not their fault that their "get up and go" seems to have gotten up and left without them.We have got to become more tolerant of those who are Lethargy Addicted."

I asked him for some examples.

"We could make buses linger at their stops for a few more minutes. Jobs could stop insisting on hard deadlines. Businesses could stop demanding timely payments on their accounts; after all, if the Lethargy Addicted person makes the payment eventually, isn't that the same as paying on time? Movie start times could be delayed to make the lives of these persons easier. Nothing is more traumatic for the Lethargy Addicted man than to get to the airport and find that his plane left, and all because his lethargy addiction caused him to both stay up too late downloading porn...because he's too lethargy addicted to get an actual girlfriend...and, worse, it caused him to sleep through his alarm, so he got up too late. We can do this if we try!"

In the meantime, while researchers are working on a cure for Lethargy Addiction, Dr. Pfalt suggested a positive therapy that can help the lethargy addicted among us. It's a device called the Round Tuit. Studies have shown that lethargy addicted men and women have 100% improvement in timeliness, cleanliness, and personal hygiene whenever they get a Round Tuit. "So many good things happen for the lethargy addicted whenever they get a Round Tuit," he beamed.

Finally, I asked him how we could identify the Lethargy Addicted among us.

"First of all, they are likely to be moderately overweight to morbidly obese, because the imbalance of indifferentium in their brains makes it impossible for them to exercise properly. They usually order lots of take-out delivery food (the Lethargy Addicted don't cook, because both cooking and washing dishes mean effort at some point), and they are usually masters of useless and trivial information because they'd rather scour the Internet for odd little tidbits than do something genuine. Most of them are gamers or fantasy sports fanatics; you can tell them by their UV-deprived skin, weak eyes, and willingness to quote obscure facts like Erick Aybar's road batting average against lefties. And almost all of them are single. There are some few women who are afflicted with Lethargy Addiction, but they are harder to find as they can hide out at their parents' house."

For more information on this subject, please visit Dr. Pfalt's blog on the Florida Association of Tiring, Apathy, and Sleep Syndromes at www.f.a.t.a.s.s.org.