Let's Pretend It's Opposite Day!

Random quotes you'd hear around the agency on opposite day:

"I really, really like the fact that when I need to courier something across town, I can just do it without having to seek approval from the Accountant/Human Resources/ Business Manager, 5 account service executives, the account service supervisor, the account service director, the vice president of consulting, & the president of the company. It's just so efficient, and I feel so empowered!" -Intern or junior account service

"It's great that the company will reimburse me for meals that cost slightly over $15, since downtown Chicago is so cheap, and food is not expensive AT ALL." - Account Service people

"Sure Sam, not a problem. I LOVE asking media vendors for any research information any ma & pa agency already has in their arsenal. It doesn't make us look cheap, stupid, or archaic AT ALL!" - Anyone in Media

"You guys are the best, creative guys ever! If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have the great clients I have. I love you! Will you marry me? You guys are not stupid at all. I would never yell at you because you are the love of my life, and I hold all of you in high regard. I would be nothing without you." - Charlie

"Don't worry about it, Charlie. You don't have to force us to dress up because us creative guys LOVE wearing suits and looking like bankers everyday. The tight clothing doesn't itch and doesn't inhibit us at all. It actually helps with the creativity. Thanks Charlie for being the best, non-abusive boss ever!- Creative Services

"No, you guys are the best, YOU guys made this happen. I had nothing to do with the success of this project because YOU won the account. Thank YOU guys." - Wanda on New Business Acquisition

"Charlie is such a great man, I know. He makes me happy as well. I don't think he's a dick because he's so generous, and always tips everyone well, never gets sued by anyone for non-payment, and is such a smart man with so much wise expertise." - Sam

"Of course I wouldn't change your job description, media. You guys are the best and I hate throwing random shit your way because I'm the nicest guy in the world. Only a dick would make you call random businesses and sell them on a media agency they've never heard of, and hadn't existed until 5 minutes ago." - Sam

"Oh no no no. We don't need ComScore or AdViews, or Simmons... hell no we don't! We can telepathically tell what the Hispanic market likes to view on the internet, on TV, or on any other media! Clients don't need concrete quantitative data AT ALL. The 2004 Synovate Book will do, most definitely, Charlie." - Media

"You need a website in 3 months? Not a problem. We know you wouldn't ask us to revise 3 or 4 different websites in one day with only a few hours for turn around, with only 3 creative people in the office. Why would you do that? You're not an inconsiderate unrealistic bastard asshole. We're your bitch, remember? Wipe your ass with us. I beg you." - Creative Services

"I love working with you guys. You guys always pay on time, always treat us with respect, never yell at us, and have both a vice president and president that everyone likes and adores. We would never ever mock or make fun of either one of them EVER!" - Media Vendor

"It's wrong to overcharge clients. I would never ever tell clients they have 20 people working on their account when they would only really have three people on that account. I would never bribe a production company and ask them to overcharge me on production invoices so I can overcharge my clients for production, and we could pocket the rest. That is wrong and unethical, and that would not be in my character because I'm an honorable and decent man, and I am in no way the devil." - Charlie

"I would never sleep with any of my superiors, or let them pay for my Lexus, downtown Chicago garage parking, or any of my veneer teeth. Only hussies do that, and I would never be a hussy." - Wanda

"Charlie is not cheap at all. We use Microsoft Excel for everything because WE want to, not because he refuses to buy time-saving systems to help us do our jobs better and faster." - Finance & Media

"The logo and name aren't outdated at all. The gold cursive letters in all our stationary, marketing materials, website, and signage are classy and not gaudy at all." - Monica

"I would never lie about Monica in order to get her fired. I would never want to steal her job." - Sam

"Our presentations and pitches are not bullshit! They are carefully crafted, non-cheesy, relevant, and up-to-date information we have compiled based on sound, non-biased, non-self-satisfying research. We are not bullshitting at all! All the information is accurate, and we can get you the best media prices because we have the most state-of-the-art research tools, and a dedicated media department for your needs. We don't only have two people in media. We have a huge army of media strategists with over 20 years experience because Charlie really cares about research, and providing the client with the most up-to-date information when they want it. - Me

"Sure. I loved it at ______[insert crappy name of crappy agency here]_____ . Why wouldn't I? The president would make time for all of us, was not racist AT ALL, and would treat us all with the same respect he would his buddies. I didn't mind that I wasn't getting paid what my market value was because it was such an honor working for him. So much so, that I would have paid him. It has never driven me to drinking or habitual drug use, and I would recommend this place to everybody I know. I would never speak ill of it. I have nothing bad to say about this place anyway." - Anyone at the Agency