Let's Try Honest Communication!

Having never been a drug user, and having had very little prior contact with that community, when a forty-three-year-old "recovering" addict decided to enlighten me to the hows and whys and terminology of "mind-games," I had trouble believing that such nonsense even existed. I learned it not only existed but continues to thrive-- damaging relationships and lives of those who are unfamiliar with the concept, cannot recognize it, and do not know how to deal with it. He referred to it as "playing with people's heads."

Seems the fringe-element of "the Me Generation"-- those who are now in their late forties and fifties-- made a pastime of translating Berne's legitimate psychoanalytical techniques into something altogether different from its original purpose, using much of his format as a means by which to manipulate others. What Berne designed as "transactional games" became, in the hands of young drug users, sneaky little tactics by which to gain strong and negative influence over other people's minds and actions.

Above all, it is dishonest; there is no communication when the entire point is to "gain the upper-hand."

From the elaborate descriptions given by the anonymous addict, disastrous experiences at the hands of others, and research into the subject, the main focal points in this exercise in insanity are to put a person on the defensive, and to manipulate a person's perceptions. The effect of the former is to cause a person to feel obligated to "explain" or "prove" something-- thereby putting power and control in the hands of the game-player; while the purpose of the latter is to cause the person to question or doubt his or her own sanity.

The addict composed a list of approximately thirty-five such "games," with details of what each was about, as well as explaining how these "games" give one the upper hand in his dealings with people.

The mind-game tactic of putting a person on the defensive involves causing an unsuspecting "victim" to feel that he or she must prove or explain the subject in question. Often it is heard in such terms as labeling someone with a negative accusation, as a challenge to "prove" that he or she is not-- by giving the game-player what he wants. When one claims "You won't go out with me Because I Am Black!" or any other varieties of what the person does not wish to do causing the game-player to label his victim Racist, Crazy, etc., the actual message is "give/do what I want, or I will accuse you of something." This is also frequently heard as "abuse"-- as in "You will not do what I want- that means you are Abusing me."

Another game to put a person on the defensive is to lead the person to believe he or she must explain something, the "reason why" one does not wish to comply-- this gives the game-player much leverage, because he then has the power to "veto" one's explanation if it is not what he wishes to hear.

Amongst the games the addict listed and described as the most popular:

"My Truth is the only Truth." His purpose in this game is to convince his victim that there is something terribly wrong with her if she does not agree with him, be like him, and do things his way-- there is only one "truth," and that is whatever it is that he says.

"Your Truth is the only Truth." This one is even more confounding and insidious-- the game-player acts as if he agrees with his victim, while at the same time sneaking in messages such as "I'm sorry you see it that way;" "You're just not ready to see it;" "This is your Reality-- because you just don't remember;" and the ever-popular "you are In Denial."

"What you heard is not what I said." This one is simple enough, and quite frustrating to try to deal with-- the game-player will say something, often something utterly outrageous, deny, it, and claim that his victim is delusional, hearing things, and/or has "memory problems."

"The way you experienced something was not the way it really was." This is one of the most dangerous Games of manipulating a person's perceptions. Depending upon the game-player's adeptness and what he seeks to accomplish, it can go the extreme range from claiming that your reactions to his behavior is not about him or the present actions at all, that you're "reacting to situations or people from the past," to stating that there's something wrong with your memory-processes that you really do not have the facts about your own life and your actions, to brainwashing his victim into believing that what she sees or hears is something altogether different.

In addition to these long-popular "games," there are a couple which the anonymous addict missed. One is to intentionally cause confusion, chaos, and misunderstanding by the use of "Programese," "psychobabble," to those who are not familiar with the concepts behind it, and misusing normal English words and terms to mean something entirely different. For example, a person with a normal vocabulary takes the word 'sane' to mean mentally fit, but a game-player may say he is 'sane' because he is 'working a Program.' To a normal person, the word 'abuse' means to cause serious harm to someone, but a game-player will use the word to cover anything which he personally does not like.

Another very disturbing mind-game involves a game-player stating something negative about himself-- wrongs, shortcomings, problems-- but declaring them instead to be yours. He may be very clear about his promiscuity, but will state that you are promiscuous; he may tell you about his mental illness, but state that you have those symptoms.

A variation of this game is shifting blame and/or responsibility, as if the victim were responsible for the game-players actions. A ludicrous example was on a recent talk-radio show: "I wish people wouldn't give me the power to hurt their feelings."

The Narcotics Anonymous textbooks state that the addict's way is to "manipulate people and manipulate situations"-- to "go to any lengths to get" what he wants-- that this was the foundation of acquiring drugs by any means necessary; and, for many, they continue to employ the same tactics in relating to others for the rest of their lives.