Letter to Las Vegas Visitor's Bureau

To Whom It May Concern:

I am not really one to write letters, especially of the complaining kind, but I felt really compelled to share with you some of the things on my heart. This is for my peace of mind, but it is also, I hope, a service to you. You potentially may be isolating an entire group of people from traveling to your city due to the insensitivity on your part toward said group. I believe that this nation is being ripped apart by insensitive, uncaring stereotypes about, and prejudice toward, people who are "different".
Before getting into the meat of the letter, I feel I must give you a little background so you can fully understand my complaint and, I hope, realize it's not just a random "rant". Until very recently, I have been living among a small tribe of Hopi-Choctaw Indians who have adopted the Amish way of life. Although we are a small group (about 20), we like to see ourselves -- as I believe those in the community see us -- as a thriving, valuable addition to the local economy, citizenry, and political clime. As you are probably aware, the Amish do not believe in the use of electricity.

This was not a hard stretch for us since our people have been living without electricity for centuries. We did try to maintain our Indian heritage within this Amish community, and as time passed, our people, as well as the Amish, were able to make compromises. One of our first compromises was with the whole black wardrobe thing. To maintain tribal identity and integrity, Indian groups have always used specific colors in their dress (much like the street gangs so popular among the youth of our day). We were able to work out a plan to sport our colors in our feather headdresses while our actual clothing was black. The headdress served as our version of hats, so that worked itself out easily. The Amish people did not particularly care for our bows and arrows with which we hunted game and with which our children played when they play Evil White Europeans versus Indians (the arrows were blunted, of course). The Amish are a pacifist people. But since arrows, tomahawks, spears, etc. are such an important part of our way of life, they let that "little mite of violence" (as Brother Ephraim used to jokingly say) remain.

For years we lived among and as the Amish. Unfortunately, we had to part ways when our groups could not find a way of compromise. We had outfitted several video poker machines with solar collection panels in order to honor the whole no-electricity thing. The monies collected from our "poker barn" (which was raised in ONE day, I must brag) was enough to keep our group AND the Amish outfitted with Verizon cell phones. Since we live together, we all got on the family-share plan, and this saved us a load of money. Therefore, we re-invested the savings and upgraded to the Treo PDAs when they came out. With those, we could email, text message, keep detailed plans of the plowing/harvesting cycles, and shop for new black shirt/pants/underwear/socks etc. from the convenience of our teepees and/or dwellings. Of course, it was very expensive to continually purchase those little 60 minutes batteries to keep our PDAs running (no electricity.....no charging our phone at night!) The breakdown begin when one of our elders, Mr. John Rolling Dice, took a photo of himself (as a joke) in a lamp store and sent it to Brother Kramer (a Jew who had converted to Amishism).

Brother Kramer noticed a button on John's headdress affixing the feathers to the elastic band that keeps the headdress snug. He showed the picture to the elders of the Amish, curious if this was in policy. Well, long story made short, no. Due to their odiousness of all things pertaining to buttons, the Amish wanted us to switch to THEIR button-free style of hat, but we felt if we gave up our feathers, not only would it sacrifice the identity of our authentic, hybrid tribe, but it would also drive away the locals from the Poker Barn. One thing that distinguishes us from all the other, more traditional reservation-based casinos is that we are AUTHENTIC, not commercial. If the feather headdresses went out the door, well, so would the customers. And we all know -- the customer is who pays the light bill (or, in our case, the oil lamp bill).

So, I say all this to let you know that I only recently have starting watching TV. Once we moved off the commune into a nice golf community, we, of course, no longer felt the need to continue the family-share plan with the Amish, thereby saving money. Also, since the profits from the Poker Barn are higher than ever (we're on a annually-renewable lease for the barn), we have been able to purchase some really sweet plasmas that Brother Kramer got a good deal on through a contact. Well, don't you know, the first thing I see is one of your commercials: Las Vegas - what happens here, stays here. I was completely appalled. Not only have the white men ONCE AGAIN taken what was rightfully ours (namely, the gambling industry), but now you're stealing our time-honored tradition of privacy and secrecy as if it were your own! How dare you disrespect the Hopi-Choctaw Secret TeePee wedding ritual (and yes, if you're wondering, the Mormons copied that from us).

In fact, since Utah and Nevada are so close together, I'll BET (no pun-intended) that either you directly copied us, or you copied them. But a copy of a copy is still a copy - copy that? Now, maybe you were unaware that the slogan of our Hopi-Choctaw Secret TeePee Wedding Ritual is "what happens here, stays here". But I ask you the following: Was Ronald Reagan held guiltless when he was "unaware" of the Contra scandal? Was Henry Winkler held guiltless when he agreed to jump the shark thereby sending "Happy Days" straight to irrelevancy in our culture? Was my kindergarten teacher held guiltless when she came up with "No running with scissors - somebody could lose and eye," single-handedly changing our people's long-standing maxim to their children "No running with tomahawks - somebody could lose a head"? It is harsh, insensitive, reflexive actions such as the above that are so troubling to me. I look all around me and see evidences of your European influence. I fear the day will come that the average American doesn't even dwell with the awareness of Hopi-Choctaw culture all around him. I really hope you will reconsider your use of our slogan. And please contact me if you need a good deal on some solar-powered poker machines. Our lease is running out at the end of next month, and we're willing to let them go at a good price. We're thinking about diversifying and investing in corn farms (maize, as we call it). Now that all those Mexicans are here, the demand for corn tortillas has tripled, thereby tripling the demand for corn. You know how those Mexicans like their burritos.

Sincerely,

Sara Stone