Letter to Nadya Suleman

When my newborn was in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, I did not leave his side. I think back to my personal fear and continuous, faithful prayers. I cannot imagine having eight babies in Intensive Care. A mother would be frantic and exhausted from staying nearby. She would juggle the health concerns of her newborns with the other children waiting at home. She would feel overwhelmed and possibly shed tears. She would pray with all of her might....begging God, pleading with Him and out of desperation- perhaps even "bargaining" with God to let her newborns be healthy.

I am all for people having fun, however, I do not understand how you do it in your current circumstances. You are seen at a video game store, posing for pictures. Your artificial nails also look pretty. I do not know if anyone has told you, but your responses could be described as inappropriate. This is one reason why people are fixated on you. They do not understand. It is as if you seem too casual about having the responsibility of 14 children under the age of 8.

As long as there are people who attempt to "normalize" your situation, it enables this charade. If only you could give as much attention to how the needs of your 14 children will be met, as you do to your media and potential movie deal. Your former publicist did everything humanly possible to make your situation appear normal. She was good at it and said all of the right things. She smiled and told people you were "doing fine" after giving birth to eight babies, and having six additional children at home. The only person who seems to be realistic is one of your children who said you are stressed. Out of the mouth of babes.

If people genuinely care about you and your children, they will be realistic and help you cope. Of course you didn't pay your former spokesperson to be straight and give you a dose of reality. It's all about the image. Still, while people keep scrambling to make your circumstances seem normal, the public is not buying it. Parents with one, two, three, and four children struggle. Why don't you seem to struggle? Have you ever asked yourself this? You can't possibly be doing fine, Nadya.

These 14 children deserve to be 14 individuals, not one group of 14 children. This means 14 sleeping accommodations, 14 sets of various clothing, 14 sets of school supplies, and nutritious food for 14, among "14" many other things. As each child grows through the years, he or she should have the right to individual interests, goals and dreams. Did you ever consider all of this- especially their needs, or were you too obsessed thinking of your own? Did you ever stop to think if you cannot afford daycare for the children you already have, you will not be able to afford it for additional ones? Did you care or did you just figure the state or taxpayers will pay it? Your home will need to operate on an intense, careful schedule of feedings, appointments and routines. You will rarely get a break. For the next 18 years and possibly beyond. There are mothers who literally do not leave their homes for months- some have said for even a few years, due to around the clock care for their children born in multiples. I assure you, if you are doing the job right, you will not have time to think about going to a video game store or having your nails done.

I do not say these things to judge you or to be mean. I am trying to just bring some reality to the situation. We all want to be loved, however, it is more emotionally healthy if we go about it in a stable manner. Having 14 children and being in the media spotlight is not a typical way to find love. Others cannot be responsible for your happiness. What a burden to put on babies....that they must enter the world with the task of making you happy. Does this sound selfish to you at all? You are depending on these babies to fulfill you, while at the same time, they are depending on you to be their mother- the adult.

No one deserves death threats and I think this is appalling, insane and shameful. It needs to stop. I only hope people remember that your children are the innocent ones in this. It is about them. Parents know you are not super human and that your day-to-day responsibilities will require more than you can give. I hope you can understand that many of the parents who are upset with you have worked two and three jobs to support their children. Some of these parents who worked multiple, simultaneous jobs were single parents. They were conscientious and responsible to the point of only having the proper number of children they could afford. They did not produce babies and then expect society to support them. They had bigger dreams for their children, and these dreams did not include entering the world on the welfare rolls. They think your actions are purely self-centered because you had yourself impregnated to be loved. They also believe you did this to get money from the state, or from them. They do not see a direct, logical, correlation between you being an only child and having so many children. They are upset because your parents are aging, are absolutely exhausted and now have even more responsibility heaped on them. It is not that your parents do not love their grandchildren....the reality is that they cannot do it all for you.

Particularly disturbing is that you supposedly had plastic surgery to resemble Angelina Jolie. You can change your appearance and have many children but you will never "be" Angelina Jolie or anyone else. The major difference between you and her is that she can presumably afford her children. Can you imagine how wonderful it would have been for your children, if you would have invested the money you wasted on cosmetic surgery and media expenses, in them? You probably would have more financial and emotional support now, don't you think? People are much more willing to give when they believe the recipient has worked hard and done her absolute best. If you are doing your part and giving your all, I have found people are more generous and want to help. What are people to think when you ask for donations for your children on your web site, yet you have the means to hire a new agent?

My wish for you is that you get counseling. Perhaps you can learn why your initial six children were not enough. It will be helpful if you can understand why your past mental health issues are pertinent to keeping your children safe. Maybe through counseling, parenting education and other resources and services, you can be more in touch with the reality of this situation....the 24/7 schedules, the expenses, and the commitment of time and energy this is going to demand from you.

You supposedly gave all of this much, calculating thought. There was, however, one major flaw in your plan. It lacked reality. What you did not figure in the equation, is how 14 children will eat, have beds, have baths, clothing, and have the attention from you they deserve. You did not figure how you will properly take care of at least three disabled children when most people can barely take care of one. You did not figure that you could not provide food and necessities for the children you already have. In fact, you seem oblivious to the idea that your children deserve better.

Now, is especially the time, to take care of you- emotionally, psychologically and physically. Regardless of the outcome, I hope that you can be a part of your children's lives. Believe me when I say, there is no greater pain than the separation of a mother and her children. Mothering is just so much more than giving birth. You seem to believe that giving birth is some sort of conclusion, when it is really only the beginning. It is the time when you must provide and the real work begins, Nadya! I know you do not understand because you have in essence, said so. We only have to listen to your words to know you are confused, and just trying to live your fantasy. I believe you put it best when you marveled, "It all turned out perfectly."