Letters to the Easter Bunny

My mom said I should write a letter to you because I don't like the way she answers my questions. Question #1-Are you real, Mr. Easter Bunny? My mom says, "What does your heart tell you?" And my heart tells me that giant bunnies are terrifying, even if they're dressed in pastel clothing and smiling and bringing candy to my house in the middle of the night. Have you seen the movie "Donnie Darko," sir? I will never look at giant bunnies the same way!

Now, I really like the movie "Harvey" with Jimmy Stewart. In my mind, Harvey looks nothing like that freaky bunny in "Donnie Darko," but Harvey could still beat me up. Why would he beat me up? I'll tell you why. Because I doubt his existence. If I were a giant, invisible bunny, and my best friend in the whole world started doubting my existence, I'd get seriously ticked. Wouldn't you? I'd have to prove I existed by punching that nonbeliever's face in! "I'll show you an unlucky rabbit's foot, punk," I'd yell through my buckteeth, and after I'd pummeled him, I'd sit on him and make him smell my stinky cottontail!

Picking up random objects and making them "float" around is a cheesy trick-every ghost does that. Giant, invisible bunnies don't like being confused with ghosts, which is why they train like ninjas when they're not busy delivering Easter eggs or doing Sudoku puzzles. They're ready to take on any fool who dares to call them a "childhood fantasy." Isn't that right, Mr. Easter Bunny? You're real, and I'll never doubt your existence again. Please don't beat me up.

Question #2-Why don't women like me? My mom says, "Women don't understand you, Robert," which is a terrible answer. My mom is a woman, and she understands me. She knows better than to barge into my bedroom when I'm listening to Metallica and working on my daily Sudoku with Harvey. She knows I hate bread crusts and strawberries and broccoli. Harvey won't touch broccoli, either.

Harvey doesn't want me to fall in love and get married because he thinks I'd stop caring about him. That's not true at all! Could you do me a favor, Mr. Easter Bunny? When you're delivering candy to my house, could you wake up Harvey and talk to him? Reassure him that I'll always love him? He's been my best friend for 30 years now, and I'm not about to forget him. I think it would mean more, coming from another giant, invisible bunny, 'cause I'm just a man who's never been an invisible bunny, so what do I know? Thanks. You're the best, Mr. Easter Bunny, sir.

Question #3-How'd you get to be so awesome? Did you gradually become awesome, or did it happen all at once? Just curious.

Your biggest fan,

Robert

P.S.
Harvey says I was rude not to ask you how your wife's doing. So how's Mrs. Easter Bunny? I hope she's well! Don't forget the Cadbury's Creme Eggs on Easter morning!

******

Dear Mr. Easter Bunny,

I've had it. I'm sick of the chocolate eggs and the jellybeans and the broken promises and your loser friends. I know that Easter is just a few days away, and that you need me now more than ever, but, guess what? I'm not decorating another egg! I do all the laundry, all the cooking and cleaning, and I'm homeschooling our kids-all 57 of them! You don't even know all their names, do you?

I don't know where this attitude of yours comes from. I got news for you, bunny: You're not Santa Claus. Kids don't write letters to you (except for that weird Robert guy, but he's not even a kid) because kids don't respect you! You look ridiculous, hopping around in those pink shorts and that frilly, yellow bonnet. Newsflash: the shorts are way too small, and have been for the last hundred years, and your grandma gave you that bonnet as a joke. I hate to break it to you, but YOU'RE FAT! The big belly works for Santa 'cause he's a jolly old elf. But you're a bunny-a natural vegetarian. Cut out the chocolate eggs and start eating some carrots and lettuce! Do it for your kids! Do you know how hard it is getting them to eat their veggies when all they ever see their daddy eating is candy? And the fact that we live in a freakin' chocolate-egg factory certainly doesn't help.

So here's the deal: I'm taking the kids and we're visiting my mother for a few weeks. We need to get away from the smell of chocolate and reconnect with nature. I hope you understand. I suggest you get some of your no-good friends to help you with the egg-decorating. Bugs Bunny is a great painter...when he's sober. And Peter Rabbit can probably steal some supplies from Mr. MacGregor's garden-Mrs. MacGregor always stocks up on the PAAS Easter egg coloring kits when they go clearance after Easter.

I left you some fresh berries and salad in the fridge. Don't call me. I'll come back when I'm ready to come back, and not a minute sooner. My mom says I should have married Roger Rabbit, but she's wrong. I still love you, Easter Bunny. I just want you to take better care of yourself, and give me a hand around the house from time to time.

Make sure you take your car to Jiffy Lube before Easter; it's way overdue for an oil change. Good luck with all your deliveries.

Hugs,
Mrs. Easter Bunny

More Easter humor by Maria Roth:
"Hop" Teaches Kids Important Facts About Easter