Letters to Samuel

Samuel,

I don't understand you. After I gave you those poems, you acted like you were pissed off, and told me I should seek another. Then, you turned right around and said you MIGHT be getting a divorce and you MIGHT want something later. It sounded, to me, like a nice way of saying, "I'm flattered, but not interested." And that's how I interpreted it. But then you started acting, again, like you were interested. So I waited to see if you would give an answer that was clear and definite.

I waited, for just over a month. During that time, you avoided me sometimes, tried to chitchat at other times, teased me sometimes, and at other times, walked away when I tried to talk to you. I don't play games, Samuel, and I don't like others playing games with me. Life is too short. After having two men whom I loved die suddenly, I came to realize that, myself. If you want something, go after it. If you can't have it, move on to something else.

Like I said, I waited for you, for just over a month. Then I chose "seek another". When I realized all my other options would be just sex, anyway, I went back to Javier. I've been seeing him--off and on--for about 2 weeks now. What I have with him is still just sex--though we did become friends, during the month or so that nothing happened. And, in case you're wondering, yes, sometimes I do still think of you, when I'm with him.

Why did you suddenly switch gears, again, after reading Javier's text? You went from totally avoiding me, to acting like you want me, again. The fact that I will be working the other store--and closing earlier--seemed to upset you. But I can't figure out why.

Why can't you just tell me what's going on in your mind? If you're interested in more than friendship then TELL ME. If you're not, TELL ME. Stop playing this hot and cold game. If you want me to wait for you, TELL ME. I can do that, if I know what it is I'm waiting for. I went a year, after Alton died. Javier is the only man I've been with, since I lost Alton.

But, if you tell me NOTHING AT ALL, don't be surprised that another man is sharing my bed. I do have needs, and they will be met. I'm not trying to piss you off, and I'm not trying to hurt you. I don't like hurting people. But I won't let you hurt me, either.

I don't let many people get close to me. I'm a very private person. I choose, carefully, those I call "friend". I'm even more careful whom I choose as close friends. I've offered "friends with benefits". Those are very few. Whether you realize it or not, you've gotten closer to me than anyone has, in a long time. I still can't figure out why I chose you as a confidante. Something in your eyes.

If you want to remain only friends, I have no problem with that. If you want more, I certainly have no problem with THAT. Just TELL ME, one way or the other. This game you're playing is wearing on my nerves.

May 26, 2009

Samuel,

I've been thinking a lot, this past week. My thoughts have gone in so many directions, it's left me confused. So I thought, perhaps, I should put my thoughts on paper. I've written several poems. Maybe I'll copy them and give them to you. I haven't yet decided on that. The last time I gave you poems, it pissed you off. I still don't know why those poems upset you so much. You didn't seem to want to talk about it. In fact, since I gave you those poems, you've avoided talking to me, completely.

You had said you were getting a divorce and you MIGHT want something, later. But married men always say they're "getting a divorce". I tried to match your words with your actions and realized I had no idea what you meant. I waited a month, for you to say more--or at least give me a straight answer. Judging by the way you were acting, I came to the conclusion that you're really not interested in anything beyond friendship. So, I started treating you as if you were just another customer. If you didn't want me close to you, I'd respect that. Then your actions changed again. You started acting like you were interested. That only confused me, and made me feel like you were just playing games with me. Then you started trying to talk like friends again. Why are you trying to keep me interested, if all you're going to do is walk away?

Why have you chosen to remain silent? Even just a friendship requires two-way communication. Unless you're trying to tell me you don't even want us to be friends. If you still have those poems, then you have my phone number. I wrote it at the bottom of the page on that last poem. I gave you my number, for a reason. The fact that you chose not to use it told me a lot. Mainly, it told me that you didn't want any contact with me outside of -- or away from-- the store.

I don't stay where I'm not wanted and I don't go where I'm not invited. I don't know what to think about you. I let my thoughts and desires be known to you. I let you know I want you. Your response was, basically, that you don't want to get involved with me and that I should find someone else. That's the conclusion I drew from it, anyway.

But, if you don't want to get involved with me beyond friendship, then why do you tease me so fiercely? Why do you get upset that I chose to go back to Javier?

And don't pretend you don't know what you're doing, Samuel. You know exactly the effect you have on me. You know it turns me on, seeing you in that tee shirt. Especially, the tighter one. You know that, when your hair grows out, I can't stop watching you. And I know you've seen the change in me, when you don't wear those colored contacts. You have such beautiful eyes. Why would you want to change the color? Those are the eyes I see in my dreams.

The night you had me explain how the Mega-Millions works, you leaned across the counter. My instinct was to lean across the counter, too, as I'd done with you before. You seemed confused that I didn't. I'll tell you why. Your hair was longer, which turns me on. You had on one of those tighter tee shirts, which turns me on. And you weren't wearing those colored contacts. I found myself lost in your eyes. The combined effect of all of those things did more to me than I care to admit. I will say, though, that I KNEW, if I had gotten too close to you, that night, I would have been dragging you into the store room. I couldn't trust myself.

Since then, I can't get that image of you out of my head. I see you in my dreams, as you were that night. That image comes to me, at odd moments. I wake up with you on my mind.

I enjoy working at Quick Mart. I'm more relaxed there, things are more laid-back, and I get along great with my co-workers and the manager there. But I miss seeing you. No matter how bad my day had been, it got better when you walked through the door. The reverse is true, too: no matter how good my day had been, it just didn't end well, if you didn't show up. Why do you think I'd stay open later than I was supposed to? I waited for you. I find myself doing that at Quick Mart, too. I drag my feet, and watch for you.

I don't know why or how, but from the first time I ever saw you, you've had an affect on me I can't even begin to explain. The problem is that you know exactly what you do to me. I can't hide it. And you tease me with it. Even worse, this time I can't shut it off. Maybe it's a good thing that I can't see you every night, anymore. I'm not sure how long I could handle that.

Damn, I went WAY off the subject! Talking about your eyes diverted me to another line of thought. Maybe I should just sign off.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Samuel,

Tonight, like last Wednesday, I was called in to work at Lake Conroe Exxon. All that kept running through my mind was you telling me that Wednesdays and Thursdays are the nights you get off work early. Last week, I was standing outside the store, smoking a cigarette, when you drove by. It was a little after 11:pm. If you had looked, you would have seen me standing there. I had to laugh. I'd had no way to let you know I wasn't going to be at the other store. And Thursday, I was off. I had expected to see you Sunday. Then remembered it was Memorial Day weekend.

Today, again, I was called in to work the wrong store. I made a point to stand outside around 11:pm. Sure enough, you passed me by, again, never even glancing my way. I know I won't see you tomorrow. I'll be working the afternoon shift. Then going home around 6:30 pm, to get ready for my little journey to collect Sedona. I'll be off Friday through Monday. So I won't see you on Sunday.

It hit me, while I watched you drive by, that I haven't seen you for a week and a half. And another week will pass, before I have the chance again. I didn't realize, until that moment, how much I miss you. And found myself wondering if I even cross your mind, when you're not there in the store. Now I wonder why such thoughts come to me.

I'm still haunted by the image of you, leaning across the counter, looking up at me with those brown eyes. The eyes that haunt my dreams. Sometimes, if feels like you're right beside me. Like I could turn my head and see you standing there, watching me.

What have you done to me? I can't understand it. Why can't I get you out of my head?

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Samuel,

This has been a very long weekend. It took 12 hours for David and me to drive from Willis to Jackson, Mississippi. That's where we met our cousin, to pick up Sedona. The exhausting journey was well worth it. She's grown so much, in the 4 ½ months, since I last saw her. And when I hugged my daughter, I finally felt complete.

No one knows how much I've missed her. I don't think she really understand it, either. But she never really understood why I sent her away. When we left Jackson, to drive to Texarkana, the lack of sleep caught up with me. I crawled into the back of the van and slept awhile. When I woke up, Sedona was lying beside me, watching me. Studying my face. The look in her eyes was enough to tell me how hard the separation had been for her. All I could do was pull her to me and cry.

While in Texarkana, we spent some time with my ex-husband and his wife. I talked to him, as a friend. Mostly about you. He seems to think I should back off and give you your space. I shouldn't demand an answer from you, because you may not yet have an answer to give. Coming from him, it sounds logical. I guess the things I confessed in those poems I gave you seemed to come from nowhere. I guess I surprised you. We had been friends, and had developed a closeness I enjoyed. But, since I gave you those poems, you seem more reserved. At times, you even seem afraid. I miss being close to you. I had hoped we could be closer. I'm sorry I've made you uncomfortable.

I would rather be only your friend, than watch you pull away as you've been doing. The logical side of me says that, if you had truly been interested, you would have said so, by now.

Anyway, we made it back home at 1:am, this morning. None of us wanted to go ANYWHERE. We've done nothing but relax today. Sedona settled in, as if she'd always been here.

There will be enough to do, tomorrow, to keep me occupied, all day. Then I go back to work on Tuesday. Everything will go back to normal.

You're probably wondering why I'm telling you all this. I got used to telling you everything. Unloading on you. You never seemed to mind. Sometimes, you seemed to enjoy the comfortable closeness. And, since I haven't been able to see you, I've gotten used to writing to you, when you come to mind so strongly.

I've thought about you, all evening. Realizing it's been two weeks since I last saw you. You seemed concerned that you wouldn't see me as often. I don't think you knew it affected me, too.

I've thought a lot about all that has transpired between us. I remember letting Javier go, once, because I needed someone with more time and more freedom. I've wondered, often, why I still want you, when you have less time and freedom than he does. Many times, I've regretted telling you. Especially, now, I wonder. I've seen even less of you.

Yet, the problem persists. It's always been easy for me to move on-with a couple of exceptions. The difference is, I've never even touched you. Yet you haunt me like a lover. I think on all this, logically, and know I should move on. There are many I could be with. But logic seems to have no place here. I can't truly move on. Even Javier-as hot as he is-can't hold my interest. I kept seeing you, instead of him. I don't really talk (or test) much with him, anymore.

If I could get you out of my head, I could move on. Maybe not seeing you as much will help with that.

Then again, I gave the choice to you, when I gave you those poems.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Samuel,

I actually worked at Quick Mart, tonight. Since I saw you pass by Lake Conroe Exxon on the last two Wednesdays, I fully expected to see you, tonight. Tomorrow night, I'll be back at Lake Conroe Exxon.

I have a new schedule. Quick Mart had to do some cutbacks. That meant taking out the middle-shift, which put Michael on closing. That left the position of floater-and firing either me or Keisha. Ali chose to keep me. So, now I'll float. Saturday, I'll open at Lake Conroe. Sundays, I'll open at Quick Mart. Monday, 11:30am-4:30 pm at Quick Mart. Tuesdays, I'll be off. Wednesdays, I'll close at Lake Conroe Exxon. Thursdays, I'll close at Quick Mart. Fridays, 4:pm-9:pm at Lake Conroe Exxon.

When Aftab wrote out my schedule, only one thought entered my mind:

The only way to see you is if you, by chance, walked into the right store, at the right time. I won't get to feel the thrill of seeing you walk through the door. I probably won't get to see you in that tee shirt, again. You only come in like that that on Sundays. And I'll be off work, by the time you come through.

By the end of my shift tonight, I kept thinking: "No tiempo. No time. I need someone with more time and freedom." I haven't seen you, at all, in the 2 ½ weeks, since I transferred to Quick Mart. Now that I am to be a floater, I probably won't see you again. Only by accident.

Maybe this will make things easier for me. You had my phone number. If this had been a concern for you, you would have called me. This, I guess, is the time to push you out of my thoughts. Maybe you were never meant to be more than a fantasy-lover. You obviously enjoyed the attention I gave you. But, obviously, you didn't want things to go further.

Once I have you out of my thoughts, perhaps I can truly seek another. I can still think of you as a friend.

Friday, June 5, 2009
1:09 pm

Samuel,

I guess I was wrong, again. I haven't allowed myself to think about you, trying to put you out of my mind. If I dreamed of you, I have no memory of it. But I lay down, a little while ago, intending to take a nap. I put myself into a meditative state, telling myself simply, "Show me what I don't see. Show me what I need to know." Then, as I opened my mind and slipped under, who did I see, but you?

It wasn't a sexual vision or dream. Not even really erotic. Not at first, anyway. We were in your car, and you were driving somewhere. Why I was there, I don't know. But you suddenly began asking me questions, and we got into a real conversation. We talked about my ex-husband, then about Sedona's father, then about Alton. Then we talked about Sedona. I showed you the bracelet she made me. Our hands touched, as you handed it back.

That's when it lost the feel of a faraway dream and felt real. When you held my hand and caressed my fingers, it felt like it was really happening. When you kissed my fingertips, it began to take on an erotic feel. But when we stared into each other's eyes and I touched your gave, I jerked awake, to check the time.

It felt so real. But I can't figure it out. Usually, when I dream of you, I'm either replaying memories-or having a purely sexual dream. This one was neither. It was intimate, but in a different way. Different from any dream I've had. It had the feel of one of my Visions.

Some deeper part of me is telling me not to give up on you. But why? With my schedule like it is now, there's no way I can see you-much less, BE WITH you. And, besides that, you're married.

What has drawn me to you? And what force is it that won't let me let you go?

Sunday, June 7, 2009
4: pm

Samuel,

I opened at Quick Mart, for the first time. I thought it would be confusing, but I was wrong. I spent the entire morning watching traffic. I wondered if I'd see you pass by, on your way to work. I knew, if you did, you wouldn't stop. By noon, I stopped watching. I guess we're even. I've never really known YOUR schedule. Now YOU don't know MY schedule.

I got off work at 3: pm, knowing I wouldn't see you today, at all. You always came in at the other store, after 5:00. Today, it's been three weeks since we last saw each other. And, again, I'm wavering. Should I continue to watch and wait? It's a one-in-a-million chance that you'll walk through the door of the right store, at the right time, on the right day. The kind of odds I'd have for winning the lottery. Yet, that's the only way I'll ever see you.

Or should I try, again, to block you from my though? I keep thinking about the fact that you've never called to talk to me-even as just a friend. My poems pissed you off. So, apparently, playful flirting was as far as you wanted things to go. You enjoyed the attention I gave you, as long as it was harmless. But, when I let you know I wanted you, you ran the other direction. You mentioned a divorce, but never presented proof of one, and never mentioned it, again. You only started flirting again, when I showed interest in Javier, again. Was that your way of telling me "Let's keep this friendly and harmless"? Or were you telling me "find someone else, but stay away from Javier"?

Logic dictates that there was no real interest on your part. You simply enjoyed the attention. Perhaps I interpreted your signals wrong.

And with my schedule now being as it is, the possibility of seeing you even in passing is so remote as to be non-existent. Logically, I know I should put you out of my mind-the same way I did, when you first told me you were married. I should stop watching for your car and stop hoping you'll walk through that door. Logic reminds me that you're a married man, and I shouldn't be thinking bout you, anyway. Logic reminds me what I told Javier in the beginning:

"I cannot allow myself to get attached to someone I know I can't have."

But logic seems to have no place here. When I try to think logically about all this, that image of you comes to my mind. Of you in that tee shirt, with your hair longer than I'd ever seen it, looking at me with those beautiful brown eyes. And logic flies out the window. Because one thing has become clear to me, as I'm writing this.

I have already become too attached to a man I know I cannot have.

Suddenly, I realize why I can't get you out of my head. I know why I see you in my dreams. Now, I know why I can't be with Javier, anymore. Or anyone else, for that matter. It felt like I was cheating on YOU. And now I know why.

Maybe you saw it, before I did. Maybe that's why you pushed me away. Is THAT what made you so angry? I guess I'll never know. Even if I do see you, again-even if we can manage to get back that friendship we had-I may not be brave enough to let you read these! Even if you did, you'd probably ignore these letters, like you ignored the poems. And pretend it never happened. So what would be the point?

Monday, June 8, 2009
7:30 pm

Samuel,

I worked the afternoon shift at Quick Mart. Strange, getting off at 4:30 pm, having the next day off, then going in to close, the day after. It's going to fell like I have two days off. I guess that's what it adds up to. DUH!

David, my brother, surprised me, when I got home. After I'd gotten into more comfortable clothes and had a bite to eat, he showed me the website he'd brought up. Walden on Lake Conroe. He took me to the Yacht Club link, and through the "dining" link. The first thought I had was that, last year, when I'd clamped down on my attraction to you, we lived by the Marina at Walden. David was still with Karen and they both worked for the nuclear power plant in Arizona. They could afford the condo. I lived very close to where you work.

I came across a short video with you in a small clip, and it surprised me. I watched it, several times. Stupid, I know. I saw the staff pictures, and pointed you out to David and Sedona. Only a picture, I know. But I haven't seen you, in three weeks. I couldn't look away. I could hear you, in my mind, saying my name. I went back to look at the dining room's schedule. It gave me a better idea of your schedule.

The thought crossed my mind today that I should show up at YOUR workplace. But I dismissed that idea. You're a married man. It wouldn't look good if I went there. Even as a gesture of friendship. Besides, that would make me feel like I was stalking you. Scary thought!

David keeps telling me I should put you out of my mind. He keeps reminding me that I've never put this much energy into a man I've never been with. He's right, I know. Yet, each time, I think I've succeeded in forgetting you, I see you drive by. Or I see a car that resembles yours. Or I have another vivid dream or another realistic vision.

I wonder if I cross your mind, as often as you cross mine. Do I cross your mind, at all?

I'm beginning to think my obsession with you is some sort of Cosmic Punishment.

(The next day, June 9, was my 40th birthday. I spent the day re-reading these letters, and deciding I couldn't let Samuel know I'd fallen in love with him. I rewrote the letter, on my birthday, condensing a lot of this into one letter. About 6 pages worth.)