Letters from Santa

While everyone knows that Santa Claus receives millions of letters each year from children around the world, few realize that he responds to many of them. During his warm weather down time, St. Nick often takes quill to parchment and replies to much of the correspondence he receives. So let's take a look in Kris Kringle's outbox:

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Dear Tommy,
You may think you were a good boy but we know better, don't we? I mean, really, after what you did to your aunt's goldfish, did you really think you were getting a snowboard? No, my boy. You'll be getting a lot of underwear this year. And every morning as you get dressed, you'll remember Aunt Linda's goldfish.

Regards,
Santa
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Dear Cindy,
I appreciate your concern for my health, but sweetie, it's cookies and milk or nothing. If I find yogurt or carrot sticks or tofu left out for me, you can kiss your Rock & Roll Barbie good-bye.

Holiday Greetings,
St. Nick
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Dear George W.,
Really, I thought you realized that after the 2000 election, you wouldn't be getting any other presents for a long while. Just count and re-count your blessings.
And, yes, I will be watching you with "intensistiscity."

Yours truly,
"The Claus-miester"
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Dear Mrs. Robinson,
Yes, it's true, I'm a saint. But I didn't start out as one, if you catch my meaning. And while flattered that you like the way I "fill out my suit," I am married. And way too busy.

Sincerely,
St. Nicholas
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Dear PETA,
It's not real fur so get off my case, already. And the reindeer are fine. You think they could fly if they were abused? Why don't you go back to interfering with a cure for cancer and leave me alone?

Regards,
Mr. Claus
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Dear Jane,
Sure, sure, Jane, you can stop believing in me but I'll tell you something; getting presents by Federal Express won't rock your world. You'll miss me, more than you know.

Mythically Yours,
Father Christmas
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Dear Tommy Delay,
Hey, I have something to give you. Expect some nice coal. Lumps and lumps of it. Enjoy.

Sincerely,
Papa Noel
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Dear Gov. Arnold,
We are soooo even. And I don't do Constitutional amendments.

Season Greetings,
Santa
P.S.
You had better stop with the "flab" comments.
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Dear Jimmy,
I'm not sure about getting you a puppy, Jimmy. The hamster didn't work out to well, after all. Did you ever find that hamster, Jimmy? I'll give you a hint; look behind the refrigerator.

Regards,
Santa Claus
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Dear Virginia,
Yes, Virginia, I am real but stop whining about it. You want presents? Then instead of sitting around waiting for me to schlep them to you, go out, get a job and earn some money. You're a drag on the economy, kid.

Realistically Yours,
Santa Claus