Letters to a Son

The remaining months leading up to your birth were a whirlwind of emotions. I was terrified, then over-joyed, then terrified and over-joyed. All I could think about was you. All I could read about was babies. All I could watch on television was babies. I was putting everything I had into researching how to be the perfect mother and to raise you to the best of my ability.

Here are some things I remember from being pregnant with you:

I would play video games on Daddy's Xbox and rest the controller on my belly. More specifically, I would play a game called Zuma. Every now and then the controller would vibrate and you would kick so hard every time. I would also play a game with you, where I would tap on the left side of my belly and then the right and then the left again to see what your reaction would be. After awhile you would push with your foot or your hand on the side that I was suppose to tap next!

When your Dad would get home from work at night and come into our room to tell me about his day, you would always kick. It's like you were excited to hear his voice.

I had a part-time custodial job, when I was pregnant for you. If I would accidentally make a loud noise, like dropping a broom, you would jump as if you were startled. I find this so funny now, because you always have been afraid of loud noises. If anyone sneezes or coughs around you, it's like you jump out of your skin and trying to crawl away from the noise as fast as you can.

I always knew that I wanted a boy, even before you were thought of. When I looked at all the cute little girl things in stores, I started to feel like maybe I wanted a girl. One memory that sticks out so well in my mind is of a time when I was shopping while pregnant with you. I didn't have a lot of money and I saw this tiny baby boy blanket on sale. Even though it was on sale, I still thought the price was too high. I went about buying myself things and reached for this dye touch up kit. I suddenly was struck by guilt. If you were a little girl, wouldn't I be spending my last dollar on cute little dresses for you? I felt like such a selfish mother. I set the kit back and went to the baby department and bought you that little blanket. It's your little blue blanket with textured pieces that we call "lovey." You've slept with it every night, since you were born.

Being pregnant with you was a great time in my life. I grew so much as a person. It was the first time in my life that I felt like a woman and not a little girl. Deciding to keep you was absolutely the best decision I have ever made. Since I knew you existed, you have been my world, my joy and my reason to get up in the morning and strive to be the best me possible. For that, I will always be indebted to you, my sweet boy. You are amazing.