Letting Children Help Even when You Really Don't Want Them To

You've got the paint poured, the floor covered, your old paint clothes on, and are getting ready to tackle the job of painting the living room. Just as you roll the roller in the pan, a small voice asks, "Can I help?"

You look up to see your eight year old gazing hopefully at the roller in your hand. The words come before you can stop them. "No, honey, you're too young. You don't know how to paint." You start to turn toward the wall when you see her shoulders sag and the look of defeat on her face. She starts to turn away, but not before you see the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly, you remember your mother painting your bedroom. You asked to pick out the color. She said no. You asked to pick out the bedspread and curtains. She said no, that she would pick out something "suitable." And in all fairness, she did pick out something you liked. But that wasn't the point. She didn't give you a chance to make your own decisions. She didn't think you were old enough to even make a decision.

And when she began painting, it looked like fun. So you asked if you could help paint. The look of horror on her face spoke louder than the words she said. "Oh, no, dear, we want it to look good."

Maybe that wasn't what caused your feelings of insecurity about doing things right, but it sure didn't help.

You take a deep breath and speak. "On second thought, I could use some help. Run up and put on your oldest play clothes. Painting is very messy work."

The smile that lit up her face as she grinned at you before sprinting up the stairs said it all. You felt good inside. Sure, she might get bored in ten or fifteen minutes and you might have to repaint the section she does, but you won't do it in front of her. And who knows? She might turn out to be a better painter than you.

You get her a roller and pan. She comes running back down the stairs, the excitement glowing on her face. You would never expect work to bring that kind of thrill. Yet it does, to a child who is getting her first taste of doing real grownup work.

She picks up the roller and then looks at you expectantly. She's ready for you to tell her what to do. All at once, you realize that this is a very important moment. She actually wants you to teach her the way to do this. Is that a first or what?

"Okay. First thing, roll your roller in the paint until it is covered. Then roll it back on the pan, like this, to remove the excess paint. Then you start rolling it on. Going in the same direction is best, either up and down or sideways. And that's all there is to painting, besides the trim work. Ready?"

She nods, follows your instructions, and begins rolling the paint on the wall. You glance over and smile at the fierce concentration on her face. You both paint in silence for a few minutes, then she asks you to check her work. It looks pretty good, actually, and you tell her so. Surprisingly, you have found a new helper. You ask about school and soon you are both laughing and joking as you paint.

Then the phone rings. It's her friend, Janey. You can hear her on the phone. She's telling Janey about painting. "Yeah, it's fun. And my mom needed some help. She even showed me the right way to do it." A brief pause, then, "Okay, ask your mom. If she says its okay, I'll show you what my mom taught me."

The confidence in your daughter's voice fills you with pride. You know you did the right thing by letting her help you. Okay, maybe there's a few runs in the paint. But so what? Paint is only temporary, but the lesson was timeless.

So whenever your child asks to help you with some project, stop and think before you automatically say no. What will it hurt to let them try their hand at it? If you're changing the oil or working on the car, let him or her reach you tools and explain to him or her what you are doing. If you are building something, give that child a hammer and let him or her go at it.

Always remember, one of the most important things we can teach our children is that they can succeed and learn if they try. But they have to be given the chance to learn. So give them that chance. Give them the chance to learn by helping you. Believe me, you may learn as much as they do during the process.