Letting the Dream Go

She still couldn't shake the previous night's dream. She should but wasn't sure she even wanted to. The pain was palpable but Willa needed it. It was all she had left. Awaking hurt. Her heart thumped against her breastbone. Her lungs struggled to release the carbon dioxide inside.Willa looked in the mirror and squeezed her red-rimmed green eyes against the reality of the day. In her dream, Derrick held her. He stroked her hair. He wiped away her tears. His love fully enveloped her. He promised forever. She believed him.Reality forced her eyes open as she sank onto the bed. The emptiness of her bed mirrored the hole he'd left in her life - in her soul. She rubbed her hand down the slight indention still in the sheets. He'd slept there only days before. Her dreams then had been of them building a future together. Dreams she'd taken for granted. Dreams she hadn't appreciated or grasped.Images bombarded her. He smiled at her as only he could with that one crooked eye tooth on the left side. He'd always said it gave him character. Looking into his mud colored eyes was like sinking into warm, sweet quicksand. She reached out to smooth his slightly ruffled light brown hair. Her hand moved through it like he was a projection. She jerked her arm back. It was time to go. She checked her makeup in the mirror one last time. She looked presentable. It was the best she could do.Willa gulped hard and blinked her dry eyes. Tears didn't fall. There weren't any left to fall. She didn't realize it was actually possible to actually cry her eyes dry until that moment. She turned her concentration to driving. One task at a time was the only way she knew to survive the day.Words swirled around her as she sat in a room filled with people. They sounded so far away. They were supposed to make her feel better, but they didn't. Only immersion in her dream made her feel better. She closed her eyes seeing his face just like she had the night before in the dream. She wanted that dream, needed that dream. Its images floated just out of reach. In that dream he hadn't deserted her. The words continued. What were all these people saying? She tried to focus on her surroundings, but she really just wanted to drown in her dream. She let out a slow even breath. The pain in her chest squeezed the grief into a tight ball. The words hardened the knot.What did any of these people know? They hadn't lain next to his even breath and warm strong body night after night. They didn't face a future missing his embrace. They didn't wake up with their nose next to his pillow inhaling his fading scent or strive to protect the indention his body last left on the bed. They wouldn't be afraid if they changed the sheets, they would never smell the scent that was his alone. They didn't fear letting go would mean he would stop appearing in their dreams. No, that pain was reserved for her and her alone.A hand touched Willa's shoulder. She shifted in her chair. Why did they keep pulling her from the dream? She smiled "Thank you." Why was she thanking this woman? What had she said? Who was she? The woman moved on.She closed her eyes again reaching for the dream. . She wanted to hold on to the vision of his smiling face. She longed to sleep and dream forever.A hand touched hers. She looked up at a man who said more words that sounded a lot like all the other words she'd heard that day. His wasn't the voice she yearned to hear - the voice she'd never hear again.All she wanted to do was bring her dream to life. Then there would be no reason to be here. She rubbed her hand on the emerald dress he'd wanted her to wear today so her "green eyes would shine", reached up to wrap an errant strand of hair behind her ear, and looked forward.Someone lead her toward the front of the room. In her dream, she wore this dress. He wore his best suit, gray with an abstract red and black tie. They danced. He whispered "Happy Anniversary, My Love" against her ear. It tickled. She giggled. She kissed his cheek, then his lips. They laughed. They loved. They lived.She leaned forward. There he lay motionless, eyes closed, wearing that same suit. She placed her head next to his ear and whispered in his unhearing ear. "Happy Anniversary, My Love."Her dream ended.