Letting Go: Dealing with the Loss of a Loved One

It is inevitable that at some point in our lives we will lose someone that we love. I learned this recently with the passing of my father, and while it was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to experience I learned a lot about the process of grieving along the way. At first I felt as if I was cut off from the world, that no one could possibly understand the way that I felt, but I soon discovered that the emotions I was experiencing were shared by everyone during periods of grief. The various stages and emotions of grief that followed were hard to say the least, but the knowledge of their commonality was in some small way a relief.

The range of emotions that I felt upon the death of my father was amazing, and this is an experience that everyone who has lost someone close to them can relate to. I was overrun with sadness, pain and such a severe sense of loss that it sometimes overwhelmed me. I would often feel angry with him for leaving me, God for taking him, and anyone who dared to speak to me simply because they were there. Yet, at the same time I felt relief that he would no longer suffer. I often felt like that if I was happy even for a second it was a betrayal of the love that I felt for him. This range of emotions is completely normal for someone experiencing grief. The highs and lows are part of the grieving process, as is the anger, sadness and pain that you experience. Anyone experiencing the grief of losing a loved one should recognize this range of complex emotions as a natural part of the grieving process, accept what they are feeling and keep moving forward. Time is the best remedy for hurt, and the more time that passes the smaller the range and severity of these emotions will become.

I will never forget the feeling of just being numb. When I found out that my father had passed, I was devastated. However, once I started making his funeral arrangements and during my time at the funeral home I noticed that I just felt emotionally numb. It was as if there was a wall around all of my emotions that nothing could penetrate. It truly felt as if my brain had just stopped processing the pain and the grief, and I was concerned about why at that point I truly felt nothing. I learned that this feeling was very common for people experiencing grief. It is this feeling of being numb that allows us to continue when emotionally we can not process any more pain at that moment. This feeling of emotional numbness is actually a defense mechanism that is within each of us to allow us to deal with emotional stress. It is a basic survival mechanism, so when dealing with grief recognize that this is your body's way of saying, "Enough!" Accept the fact that you have hit your emotional limit. It is extremely important when dealing with grief to recognize that you do have physical and emotional limitations even in times of crisis, recognizing these limitations will allow you to be better prepared to handle the situation.

Another thing that I found that I had in common with everyone who had ever lost a loved one was questioning everything that led up to my father's death. The what ifs will inevitably assail your mind at some point, and when this happens you just have to keep reminding yourself that you did all that you could. Everyone has something they regret upon the loss of a loved one, but unfortunately we are unable to turn back time to rid ourselves of these regrets. So, we are left with only one option, to accept the fact that the decisions made by ourselves and others were the best possible decisions we were capable of making during that time period, and that we cannot change them. It is inevitable that there are some questions that will never be answered regardless if the death was the result of an accident, a prolonged illness, or even a violent crime. Just remember that the questioning of everything is normal in our human desire to understand why, and even though we may never reach that understanding we will eventually find a way to accept the loss of our loved ones.

The loss of a loved one is tragic in any situation, and it is never an easy burden to bear. However, there are certain stages during grief as there are with anything in life. When I lost my father, there were often times when I felt as if I were completely alone. However, I soon discovered that the feelings I was experiencing were completely normal parts of grieving. They were feelings that everyone experiences when they lose someone close to them, and while this knowledge did not stop my pain, it helped to realize that I was not truly alone. The realization that people everywhere had or would experience the exact same range of experiences was oddly comforting. While the stages and emotions that ones body and mind go through during grieving aren't easy, they are necessary, and as with everything time eases them, and eventually allows one to accept the loss they have suffered.