Letting Go: How to Send Your First Child Off to College

My youngest daughter is heading off to Virginia Tech in less than three weeks. She's the first of my children to actually leave home, the other daughters preferring to stay comfortably in the 'nest'. No one could have prepared me for how really hard letting go of her has been.

It really is an actual 'letting go' of your child when he/she heads off to college, especially if it's a distance from your home. (We listed our house for sale the minute she had her high school diploma in hand! Anybody interested?!) Once they've headed off to college for their freshman year, hopefully it will be their home for the next four years - or more - of their life. Some kids do change schools after their freshman year, but it's a relatively small percentage. No matter what your relationship is with your child, sending them off to college will change it forever.

Let's start by hoping that your relationship with your child is a good, healthy one. Yes, they drove you crazy that last year of high school with a terrible case of senioritis, and you may have wondered if they would actually even GRADUATE at some points in time. But looking back on it, it was the most amazing year of their entire high school career. It culminated in academic, artistic and athletic achievements; there were banquets, special parents' appreciation days, the senior class trip, one final prom. Hopefully, both of you have lots and lots of pictures from these events. Hold on to them; you'll both need them in the not too distant future!

When my daughter graduated, I took about an hour's time to write our her graduation card. I carefully chose the words that I wanted her to remember not just on her special day, but for her future as well. "Remember that your family will always love and support you, no matter what the future holds." "Keep pictures of the people you love the most with you." "I am amazed and honored to be your mother." "You have always been a wonderfully unique person, and you never cease to amaze me with the success that you achieve!"

If you didn't have the chance to write a letter to your child like that on graduation, think about putting your thoughts into words in a blank card that you can give him or her when they actually leave. It can be something that they can open once they've arrived in their dorm, or something that you give them during a nice dinner together a few days before they leave. Don't use your computer to write it. There's nothing more meaningful than taking the time to actually hand write your thoughts to a person; it shows that you love them enough to make that extra effort to make it very personal and intimate.

Plan activities for the two of you together. Plan activities for your child and his or her siblings to do together. Plan activities for the entire family. As time grows closer, you'll have to actually schedule these events. There are extra long twin sheet sets, microwaves, computers, blankets, shower totes and more that must be purchased. Textbooks have to be purchased. You have to mull over whether or not taking a car to college is in order, and if it is, is the car in great running condition? Time becomes literally more precious than money.

My daughter and I started having little dinners out together, just the two of us, shortly after graduation. Sometimes we ate at our local Italian restaurant; sometimes, we ate out late at night in a restaurant's patio, under twinkling lights, sharing our meals. We've gone out to breakfast together. The meals don't have to be expensive or long. They just need to be together. Sometimes we'd talk about a lot of things, because a lot of things were happening awfully fast. Sometimes, we might exchange only a few words, just relishing the quiet company of each other.

Make your child's favorite meals. If possible, write out a short recipe for them to try at college, especially if it's something that can be made in a microwave.

Tuck stamps and a box of note cards into your child's luggage. Make it as easy as possible for them to keep in touch with you and other close friends. Most likely, your child will stay in touch with his or her peers via email or Facebook, but it won't be quite as easy to contact Grandma or Aunt Helen, neither of whom have access to the internet. Small, blank note cards work really well because your student won't feel pressured to have to fill up a lot of space, just enough to send a quick, personal note.

Put together a small photo album that your child can take to school. Include photos of the family, of close friends, of significant events that hold special meaning: high school graduation, senior class trip, old photos from kindergarten, sports teams, a special vacation or holiday. Include about a dozen or so photos; any more than that will make an album that is too bulky or perhaps too much of an investment in time for your child to glance through. The idea is to give a quick 'snapshot' of the family and friends who love and support your child, and to take the edge off of that inevitable homesickness that will come.

The last few days before your child heads off will be stressful for everyone. There are so many details to attend to, and the time will literally fly by. Try to have as few arguments or disagreements as possible. is it really necessary to "remind" your son or daughter to pick up their room when, in a week, it will be empty? Keep in mind that while you're stressing out over their leaving, they're having a really hard time of it as well, and - even harder - are trying to appear nonchalant about it. Think about what your child may be feeling but can't or won't articulate, and you'll find it a lot easier to give them a little extra space.

And remember - chances are that they'll be home for the Thanksgiving holiday, followed shortly thereafter by winter break! Put on a brave smile and let your child know how proud you are - and always will be - of her.