Letting Go : A Time to Die

There is something within us that yearns to hang on to those we love, even when we know, deep down inside, that it's better to let them go. We grow up knowing that someday, we'll die. Most of us learn the pain of loss with little baby steps; first a pet, then perhaps a distant relative, followed by grandparents, and finally, a close family member.

Many of us are fortunate enough to grow into adulthood before we must face the undeniable truths of human mortality, but others aren't so fortunate. Many of us are blessed to watch our children grow and bloom, while others are cursed to watch them die. But whether it's a child or a beloved parent, whether we're young, middle aged or old, is experiencing the pain of loss any different? Death is death, a permanent removal of a loved one from our lives. Belief in God helps some deal with the overwhelming sense of loss, while for others; God is the one to blame for that loss. Close family ties either help or hinder one's ability to deal with the loss. Some seek solace in private, away from prying eyes and empty though heartfelt words meant to comfort, while others need to cloak themselves with the distraction and company of others.

Some can smile in peace moments after a dear one has left the physical planes of earth while others wail with inconsolable grief for months. Authors write of death in flowery phrases and cliché's, and sometimes, brutal description. Musicians pen rhyming lyrics about the mystery of it, while those listening attempt to decipher their stanzas into earth-shattering wisdom, whether it's present or not.

Perhaps it's fear that compels us to accept drastic measures to keep our loved ones with us. Perhaps it's selfishness. Machines have the capabilities to breathe, substitute and replace body systems and keep our hearts beating. But at what point do we allow the frailties of our bodies to determine our life span? A stroke may leave us partially or fully paralyzed, yet inside those trapped shells of what once were our former selves, the mind is aware of what is going on. Eyes filled with pain and agonies implore us to either let them go or put up a courageous fight to the bitter end. It's up to those closest to them to determine which of those choices is the correct one.

Most believe that the end of life comes when the brain ceases to function on any level. The brain may be dormant, and yet the heart still continues to beat, the lungs to breathe and the muscles to twitch. Who then, determines what is life or death? After all, depending on one's beliefs, death is either the final curtain or the beginning of a new act. We'll never know for sure until it's time to take that journey for ourselves.

Every day, people shadows of their former selves. Their bodies wear out, their systems shut down and they're tired and ready to say goodbye. And yet, countless times, their families insist that everything be done to keep them alive. And so, those shadows suffer and cry, look to us for solace and relief, and yet we're powerless to give it. We say the proper things while we curse the selfishness of those who prolong the dying process because of their own inability to make peace with themselves. It seems at times as if family members take the time, only when the end is near, to treat their parent or loved one the way they should have years ago; as if now they're wanting to make up for years of neglect or lack of communication.

It's up to us to determine what's important in life while we have the full capacity to live it. It's up to us to do the right thing, not just when the end is near. It's up to us to honor and obey the wishes of the sick and dying; not to the point of helping them end their lives, but at the very least not to prolong them needlessly. While many families take months to decide what to do, their loved one grows discouraged and disillusioned with the decay of their bodies. Many are aware and are terrified of descending into the irreversible stages of Alzheimer's and become increasingly impatient and frantic. Many want to live their remaining weeks or days with dignity and nobility, and yet families take that one last desire from them with the sweep of a pen.

Who are we to decide when and where and how? What has happened to the natural dying process? Dying is a part of living. Death will come for us all, sooner for some than for others. We don't want to outlive our children, but does that mean we have the right to force them into an existence not of their own choosing? Breathing and feeding tubes are capable of keeping us alive for years, years in which others go on living and enjoying life, while those relegated to living on machines continue to merely exist day after day in their solitary world. There is a difference between merely existing and living life to the fullest. If loved ones realized and understood what is in another's heart, perhaps it wouldn't be so difficult for them to let go. But in order to do that, one has to communicate, not assume. One has to let go of selfishness and give what some consider is the greatest gift of all.