Levi Johnston Chimes in on Palin's Resignation

For whatever reason, Levi Johnston believes that Americans actually care about his opinion. But who can blame him? What dopey kid whose only claim to fame is a sexual tryst wouldn't get a big head over this pointless media attention?

According to the Anchorage Daily News and other sources, the 19-year-old father of Bristol Palin's son told reporters Thursday (who had nothing better to do than meet with him - but journalism isn't dead, right?) that he, too, has a theory regarding Sarah Palin's decision to step down as governor of Alaska.

I, too, would be remiss for leaving Levi Johnston out of the discussion. Therefore, his captivating observation follows:

At one time, Levi Johnston said that he overheard the governor talk about "how nice it would be to take some of this money people have been offering us and just run with it." (If I had to guess, I'd say the press involved began to salivate at this point.)

According to Johnston, said offers included "books, talk shows, whatever, things like that." (You know a statement is serious when the word "whatever" is thoughtfully inserted.)

However - and this is important - Palin's former son-in-law-to-be said that he believed the factors she listed for her resignation were only a part of the reason. Alas, Levi Johnston declared, they were not the deciding factors.

What were they, Levi? Ooh, tell us!

Johnston said, according to the Anchorage Daily News, "I've seen how stressful this job was for her, and she came home late at night and things like that." He continued, "I think the big deal was the book. That was millions of dollars."

There you have it - mystery solved! The nation unites in a collective gasp at the statement of a man who says his next move "may be getting into some movies or something."

Now for the fantasy sequence, where I insert events that may or may not have occurred (but are by no means far fetched): First, since it is customary to thank a source, we can assume that the pathetic reporters obsessed with feeding pundits a story that they believe will further contribute to Sarah Palin's political demise shouted gleefully: "Thank you, Levi!"

Then, perhaps in preparation for a male lead or love interest supporting role in the future, Levi Johnston likely replied: "Why, you're welcome." And winked. You have to admit, that probably isn't too far off.

In an "oh, snap" from Palin's office, spokeswoman Meg Stapleton issued the response, "It is interesting to learn Levi is working on a piece of fiction while honing his acting skills."

I shudder at the thought of anyone buying said piece of fiction when Johnston's ghostwriter churns it out. On the other hand, he might actually be able to support his child if they do.