Lie to Me: Is Honesty Really the Best Policy?

"If you can't say anything nice...don't say anything at all." How often did you hear that when you were growing up? It is a nice sentiment but is it really the best route to take?

In this society, "honesty" appears to be highly regarded. In the reality shows, particularly Survivor, honesty is held up as the highest virtue a player can have. And yet, how many of the "ultimate" Survivors got the million dollar prize by being completely honest?

We lie everyday. Little white lies. You look great in that outfit. Your haircut is so cute. You must have lost weight. We do not like to think of these kind words as lies...but that is what they are.

Case in point: if you have a child, you know where this is headed. I was on the phone with a friend and mentioned that we were just heading out the door. I was trying to get off the phone politely because I just did not have time to talk. So instead of saying I could not talk, I lied and claimed we were leaving the house. My three year old had her coat in hand as I hung up. When I tried to explain that we really were not leaving, she looked confused. "But you said..." And I spent the next fifteen minutes trying to explain myself out of the lie.

So it all comes back to the original question: is honesty the best policy? Or should we just stay quiet and avoid the situation altogether?

Learn to Be Honest

While there is definitely virtue in staying quiet, you can live and speak honestly. It may be difficult to separate yourself from the "white lies" at first but it can happen. You can give honest compliments. In teaching speech classes, you have to become adept at finding the good in the speech in order to cushion the critique. Sometimes it was hard, but there was always something to compliment. It is very easy to find faults but it is much harder to see the good. If you can begin to train yourself to see the good, you will find honesty is better received.

On the flip side, being "brutally" honest is not a good thing either. Even if someone asks for it, still cushion that honesty with something nice. For example, if your best friend asks you if you like her new haircut and it is awful, start with something nice. Perhaps the stylist colored it beautifully. Mention it before telling her that perhaps the cut does not flatter her. Truth wrapped in compliments takes out the sting and opens the door for sincere communication.

Learn to Take Honesty

When someone is frank with you, how do you respond? Obviously, if the honesty is a compliment, we are flattered. But what if the candor involves a criticism? Usually the first response is "fight or flight." Some personalities will remove themselves from the situation altogether. Others will attempt to justify their actions. But the underlying effects are there: anger and hurt.

In learning to accept the honesty, do not respond right away. Give yourself time to process the information away from the heat of the moment. Sleep on it. Allow yourself to process the possibility that you could truly be at fault. Ask your friend, or whoever gave you the advice, to give you time to think on it. Get back to them once you have organized your thoughts and processed the criticism.

Also, step back to analyze the source. Who is approaching you with this? Do they have your best interest at heart? Is this something that you truly need to care about or is it just idle gossip? Honesty is often tossed around as a tool to make someone do what you want them to do. If you have not proven yourself trustworthy in the past, do not be surprised if someone does not believe you or accept your criticism.

As Edgar J. Mohn once said, "A lie has speed, but truth has endurance." Or to put it another way, "a half truth is still a whole lie" according to an old Yiddish proverb.