Life 101

72 year old Ellie just learned to put gas in her car at the self-serve pump! Mille, who is a sprite 81 year old, says she has really come far- she now finally knows how to go to a cash machine and use her bank card! 70 year old Sally just opened a bank account at the credit union! 68 year old Matilda can now be seen cruising around her suburb in her new P.T. Cruiser! 84 year old Delores just returned from her first plane trip back east! Audrey, at age 70, recently acquired the nerve to drive on the freeway and she is pretty proud of herself! 71 year old Naomi promises that one day she will have the courage to "do a road trip" by herself, heading southbound on I-5 to Oregon!

These are smart, educated women who loved their men. They loved them with their whole hearts and every fiber of their being. They spent years stretching the family budget to transparency, to feed and clothe their children. They thought nothing of hand washing laundry and plowing fields. When you hear the phrase, "Behind every great man is a great woman," these were "the women." They gave endlessly and tirelessly, packing lunches with a thermos of piping hot coffee, while they watched their husbands venture out into the commute world of time clocks, deadlines and payrolls. They were homemakers with pride, who scrubbed their kitchen floors on their knees and chased every speck of dust. When he looked handsome in that checkered shirt, it was because she pressed it. When she was told she looked "absolutely radiant" it was because he dressed her up so divinely in his love, it showed! These women had no desire to "bring home the bacon..." but they could sure sizzle it in the frying pan!

Trust. It is a major component of a healthy relationship. In their day, the man was the head of the household. W omen's Libbers...what was that? When the hubby declared, that the bills were finally paid and he was done, the wife had no desire to micro-manage the finances. When the husband took charge, the wife was too busy darning his socks, canning the string beans and making homemade grape jam to worry. When the wife said, "outta my kitchen," the husband complied....and fast! Trust. They relished in it. They somehow knew the secret to eternal bliss. Today, when we hear a couple has been married for 50 years, we pause and ask, "What is your secret?" These couples of yesterday knew "the secret." These women and men had strong, stable marriages before life changed. Whether we have lost a loved one through death, divorce, or a partner has become disabled, it hurts. Sometimes life has a cruel way of forcing us to grow up, change roles and accept new responsibilities.

We will fast forward through the part of unbearable pain, loneliness, loss and grief. The heartache and sorrow are so intense that anyone who has survived it knows the greatest author could not adequately describe the depth of the pain. There may be a time beyond those mourning days though, when independence may be on the horizon and it may even emerge. The stars may be twinkling just a little brighter. Perhaps the husband or wife's independence was put on the back burner during the course of the couple's traditional life together. Now, the husband is going to either learn how to cook or be the Customer of the Month at McDonald's. The wife is going to have to learn to put air in the car tires or she will be stranded with a flat. Sometimes life forces us to be strong. We may drag our heels, scream, kick, and cry, "I can't do it," but we just have to do it!

Believe it when you hear that you never know how much you love someone until they are gone. When you look at long-term relationships in particular- when one spouse departs, it is like losing half of the team. Some of these women are finding that way down the road they have a new found zest for life. They are curious about their own strength, and determined to learn the every day tasks that their spouses so lovingly did for them. These tasks were not done because the women were helpless, they were done out of love. The wife did not make those homemade steamy blueberry muffins because it was her duty- she made them bursting with heaping helpings of love. Hubby? Well, he did not have to snip those daisies out of the yard. It had become a habit to perfectly arrange the flowers in that crystal base because it was his wife's favorite. It made her happy. It made her smile. And that, my friend, can light up the world!

There is a new generation of citizens in the community! On a bad hair day, I look at one of my 82 year old friends and think she looks younger than me! When one of the ladies walked into my office and described her whirlwind of a morning, I felt a twinge of envy. As I yawned and gripped my latte, I muttered, "I want her energy." She declined my invitation to sit and rest, reminding me that she was going to go outside my office window and pull weeds. Did I mention she plans to go to the mid west next week for her high school reunion? Call these ladies, "seniors?" I don't think so! Banish all ideas of "bag ladies "or "little old ladies with creaky knees." I think they traded in their rickety rocking chairs years ago! The living situation or family unit has changed and now it is time to get down to business...the business of living.

Ervin is easing into the dating scene. When he enters a room of eligible bachelorettes, he feels their eyes upon him. At age 84, this short, thin gentleman understands what it is like to lose the one you love. "At first, I just didn't want to go on...I mean, who would do the grocery shopping and cleaning? Margaret always did those things, you know. She baked the best apple pies and bread. Oh, I wish I could sink my teeth into those perfect crusts. She kind of kneaded her bread dough like this," he demonstrates. Eyeing him is 81 year old Donna. She has just discovered a place where they serve the best coffee in town. She moseys over to Ervin, "Hey, I like your Mariners cap. Wanna go over to Starbucks later?"

I think each of us are proud when we have finally accomplished that one mind boggling task that the partner in our life used to do. It is like a milestone- a boost of self-confidence and ego. I recently found myself in a women's discussion group, with each woman sharing her greatest achievement. Wanda bragged, "I changed all of the light bulbs outside around the garage." Freida, believing she could top this achievement added, "I learned to mow my yard." It can be a phenomenal moment when one realizes...I made it! I can do this!

For me, it was doing taxes. Trust me, this was always left to the husband. Me do taxes? Ha! Years ago when I began, I stared blankly at the forms. Hmm, what's the difference between a 1040 and a 1040A? Then I thought....oh boy, I am in trouble. I would eventually bite my nails and throw a mini temper tantrum but I was determined I would tackle it. I admit, during my first few years of single parenting, I used a professional service to do my taxes. Then one day, the urge to be independent hit me. With calculator in hand, I sat down to the confusing chore. With fantasies of the IRS auditing me, I was still determined. It was time. "I did it! I did my taxes"...I blurted later that evening, to the nearest customer in the supermarket. He looked at me like I was a freak, and then nudged the arm of the woman beside him. He turned to her and in a boisterous voice, quipped, "Were you listening, honey? She did her taxes all by herself." His companion shot me an angry look, as she tossed her Top Ramen into the bag. He continued in a condescending tone, "I've been trying to get her to do our taxes for years."

Don't be surprised when you see Ervin these days. He has a new past time. Oh, he is still twirling about the dance floor and plays an occasional game of chess. Ervin has now discovered the thrifty world of coupons! He now arrives at the supermarket, armed with a large calculator. With each coupon neatly tucked in his fanny pack, he carefully compares prices. Ervin never did say if he was going to head over to Starbucks for a cup of coffee, but I have a feeling you will see him there. He will probably sneak in a cup of java between his three mile morning walk and trip to the Naturopath. When three lady friends recently gathered at the checkout to discuss the day's bargains, Ervin offered some wise tips, "Get the large pack of Charmin. It's a better buy! Oh, and use real butter in that chocolate chip cookie recipe." He winks, "makes a difference! It tastes so much better."