Life After the Death of a Spouse - Answering the "Moving On" Question

I was having a pretty good day, walking through a store on my way home, when I ran into a woman that I knew, not well, but had seen off and on back when my beloved partner was still living. She greeted me warmly and then asked the question, the one question, that I hate the most in all its various forms:

"So is there anyone special in your life yet?"

There it was. The question that I hate having to answer and that so many people seem to want me to answer. It's been almost fifteen months now since my husband passed away suddenly from heart failure. Laughing. He actually died laughing. While swimming in a beautiful river on a bright and sunny day. Not a bad way to go, for him, a Type I diabetic who had the reality of a future in hospitals with kidney failure staring him in the face. And easier for me, in many ways, than watching him linger and suffer. I still feel him with me - in the wind, in the trees, in my dreams. He is still part of me, and so very, very present. So when someone asks me if there is someone new or special in my life, I feel offended - do they think I can just push my true soul mate aside, find some replacement for the one man I've really loved in my life?

As usual, I elaborated a bit much - no, I told her, I still feel I'm with my husband. He comes to me often, he is still very much part of my life. She smiled politely but I could tell that she might not truly understand. No one really does, unless they have lived through the death of their husband or wife or significant other. No one else can understand the feeling of loneliness that really can't be filled by anyone else except the one that has crossed over. That the contact I have with him in dreams is preferable to a "new" person in my life.

Sometimes the question is framed a bit differently: "So have you thought that you might be with another man someday?" No, I say, I can't imagine being with anyone but him. I've actually had people argue with me that I'm wrong, that love will come to me again in another person, another form. I can almost feel the fear in the unspoken words that I know are going through their minds: if you don't find someone else, does that mean I won't either if this happens to me?

Every person is different in their reaction to the loss of their beloved. Some do find love again; some never do. At times I've felt that I was living back in the 1950's, with people pushing me so much about finding someone that it seemed they couldn't imagine me as woman on her own. Since when did I need to have a man at my side to define me as a whole person? Aren't we past that? My love and I had been together for ten and a half years before he died, so many people only met me when I was part of a couple, and aren't used to seeing me all by myself.

I'm lonely, it's true. But I'm not ready to be with anyone new and I may never be. I'm learning how to find joy in the world around me again, and I feel my beloved smiling at me from the other side when I do. The autumn colors on the trees, hearing good music, laughing with friends, a really good cup of coffee, watching the antics of the new kitten - I'm learning about life on my own, while still holding the love of my relationship close and precious in my heart. It's a new journey for me. So I've decided the next time someone asks me if there is someone special in my life now, I'll answer yes. It's me, the new me, and for now, it's quite enough.