Life After Divorce

I was only 20 when I was married to my high school sweetheart. I had lived with him since the age of 17, and after suffering a major medical condition since 6 months after moving in together, we thought ourselves ready for marriage.....after all, how different could it be? It was only a piece of paper, right? When the marriage ended 3 years later, I was stunned and lost. I had never lived on my own, never really been in a relationship aside from my former spouse. I was almost finished with college and already working as an engineer, but I had no real vision of who I was without the title of wife.

Being someone who had coached so many through dealing with chronic illness and pain, those searching for their philosophical path, those looking to make changes to their physiques, I suddenly felt like a fraud. How could I ever counsel someone to defining themselves when I saw myself as a blank slate?

My marriage had ended rather abruptly. That's not to say we didn't have our issues. I began an internship the year before and was offered a permanent position. I thought this was great. My ex-husband, whose family was very wealthy, liked living the high life, and while going to school apparently didn't have a clear view of careers after schooling had ended. When I began working, he grew bored. I thought things would work themselves out. We talked about starting a family in the next couple of years. Then the bottom fell out. He revealed he had begun taking prescription medication, to while away the time while I was at work. I was completely shocked. We both had a parent that had addictive personalities, so I would have said this trap was impossible for either of us to fall into. When he sat me down, I thought he had had an affair, so was completely unprepared for his confession.

He didn't want to go through a traditional rehab program. I had trouble not being disgusted, but was willing to support his decision. We went to a clinic where he went through an 'ultra-rapid de-tox,' typically reserved for heroin addicts. There weren't many working at the clinic, so a family member had to sit by the patients' side as their nurse. I begged him to have his mother go, as she used to be a nurse, but he didn't want anyone to know. So I endured, supporting him in his 'illness,' all the while struggling to reconcile this side of him from the one I thought I knew so well. When we got home, he suddenly became ultra-attentive, always wanting to show affection. I pushed him away, saying I needed time to come to terms with all that had happened. Finally, he agreed to marriage counseling. At the first appointment, less than 5 minutes into it, he said he really just wanted a divorce. I almost fell out of the chair. When I realized he was serious and that no amount of discussion or counseling would dissuade him, I accepted his decision.

I moved out the next day and struggled to redefine myself. The 3 months waiting for the divorce to be finalized, were very hard. I was further surprised his family no longer wanted anything to do with me. Having had no relationship with my own mother, I was very close to his. Having them all side with him was a further betrayal of the view I had of myself and the world around me.

In retrospect I believe he thought I would fight his decision. He appeared shocked that I moved out so quickly. That I accepted the heartbreak and multiple shocks as challenges, but nothing I couldn't handle. Maybe we could have saved the marriage, if I had refused his adamant statements of not wanting me. But that would be a betrayal of everything I stood for. In rebuilding my sense of self I learned a few things.

The first thing I learned: I wasn't a failure or not worthy of love. Who I was, was just who I was. There's nothing to say I was the reason for any of the events that transpired. Sure I made my mistakes. Maybe if I had addressed the unhappiness I sensed in him when I got the job, I could have helped him make different choices. Maybe I needed to put aside my own disgust to truly support him in his battle - as I saw it as nothing more than repercussions of his own actions. I truly didn't see it as an illness. I saw it as something he chose. He knew what would happen when he swallowed his first pill, so I really couldn't feel too sorry for his resultant battle. Therefore, I know the ending of the marriage was in part due to my reaction to events. But that doesn't mean I was wrong, or that it was my fault. I reacted in the way my personality, my history and life-experiences deemed correct. While looking at the situation in retrospect I could see ways things might have gone differently, the fact is I had no control over where he chose to take his life. That I loved him with everything I had and would have stayed with him through thick or thin, but he made the choice that that wasn't enough. So, I learned that self-blame was useless. I learned that even though two people choose to join their lives in marriage, they're still two people ruled by the lives they lived before that relationship ever began.

Secondly, I learned that I had made a major mistake in my relationship, I had devoted every ounce of myself to him leaving very little to myself. We had started dating when I was 15 years old so maybe that was a reason for this particular lesson. I had a large group of friends, when we first started dating. Once the relationship was under way, I ignored all my friends to spend every waking moment with him. I even dropped out of high school, to home study, when he had graduated and started college; this is when we moved in together. I thought that was what a proper wife did. I had a very June Cleaver image in my mind, not realizing I could be a very good wife if I had time with female companions or even to myself. When I finally started dating again I made sure to keep a strong sense of personal identity - so that now, 8 years into my second marriage, I'm a stronger person that I was in that previous relationship.

Lastly, I learned not to fear being alone. So much in our society dictates the drive to be in a relationship. If a woman lives alone and doesn't at least have a prospective husband waiting in the wings, than she is pitied. Instead I learned to think of it as an adventure. I learned to sew, I finally read books and joined groups and made friends. Sure I dated (which was frightening at first) but having come to the realization that I was still a good person, that I had qualities that would be great for the right person, it took the fear out of wading through the fish to find the hidden treasure.

What's my advice to the newly divorced?Lists! (seriously, nothing clears the mind like putting things on paper).

List #1: The Past

Sit down and be completely honest with yourself. Fold a piece of paper in half length wise, title one side The Past, the other Lessons Learned. For The Past: List where you went wrong, where you reacted with total emotion, or misinterpreted a situation. Once the list is complete, cross off everything that is just putting yourself down, cross of those that you had no control over (if your spouse only gives you so much to work with sometimes you have no other choices in how to react). In the Lessons Learned column write what you learned from each situation. For instance, be more sensitive to others' emotions, think before you speak, don't jump to conclusions, etc. Now in a fire-proof pot burn the piece of paper. Take it outside and dump the ashes in to the wind. The past is over with. Once you have learned all you can, take it as just another experience that helped mold you into who you are.

List 2: The Present

Now is the hard part. I suggest having on hand for this assignment, a nice piece of chocolate and a cup of tea, sit in a comfortable place wrapped in a comforting blanket - introspecting is never easy but so worth the effort. Again fold this paper in half, one side being My Goodness, the other Things to work on. This list is a definition of You. On the Goodness half, write every good quality you have. What you love about life, what others might see and like in you (this is harder than it sounds). On the Working side, write things you are working on for yourself. Things like being more mindful, patience, etc. Don't get stuck on harping on things you hate about yourself. You are who you are, and NOTHING about you is 'Bad' but we're all in a constant state of progress. Be honest and believe in those good things. If you want to, you can ask friends and family to also make a similar list. If you are completely lost, having lost that connection to you self, so that you cannot fill this page at all, then having their honest imput could help - but you need to write it in your own words. You need to believe there are GOOD things about being you.

List 3: The Future

This is your goals sheet. Previously your goals were defined as being a part of a duo, now you need new goals. Sure some might be about replacing that spouse and the things you would like to have in a new relationship, but most should be things you would like to do or experience for yourself. Break this list down by time - 1 week, 1 month, 1 year, 5 years, 10 years - and the things you would like to have accomplished or experienced in those times. Be realistic. Once this list is complete, keep it visible - on the fridge, on your bedside table, where ever. Then check things off as you accomplish them. You'll find yourself reworking this list often. Some of the immediate goals will be focused on re-establishing yourself, but get creative with those in the future. What have you always dreamed of doing? Then it's your job to work toward achieving those dreams.

Remember we are all clay; who we are at birth isn't who we'll be on the day we leave this plane of existence. Every day, every experience, every joy and trial will shape the clay. But what you chose to take from an experience, how that clay is molded is entirely up to you. If you want to be mired in misery, then leave things as they are. If you want to redefine yourself, learn all you can from past mistakes so as not to repeat them, then it's entirely possible.