Life After an Emotional Affair

There are a lot of people who stumble upon hints of an improper relationship during their marriage quite by accident. With the availability of world wide communication through the internet it often starts innocently enough. Multiple role playing games require interaction with large groups of people to achieve status or gains in the game. It is easy to see how cyber relationships can form in this manner because the game is geared toward group effort. The game is exciting and there can be quite a sense of accomplishment in the players mind. Once a group of gamers achieve more and more together it can create a psychological bond. All too often I have heard women complain that they are tired of staring at the back of their husbands head every night. One woman in particular who had been sitting alone night after night on the couch while her husband was gaming decided to peek in at the action. What she saw was very disconcerting. Her husbands character was dancing with a female group member. The feeling she experienced was an odd sense of betrayal. It was very difficult for her to make sense of her emotions. Once her husband noticed her behind him she said he jumped up abruptly and left the room. This poor woman watched the monitor while the female friend was asking, "hey, where did you go? I'm getting lonely here!' When the wife confronted her husband about the cyber friendship he told her that she was being ridculis. He could not understand that the emotional attachment to this cyber friend was taking away from their relationship.

An emotional affair is one in which one partner puts his time and effort into a special friendship with someone of the opposite sex. Speaking of sex there is none but what there is is a sharing of personal information and often time. Usually the person involved in the special friendship keeps it secret because in his heart of hearts he knows it would hurt his wife. What happens in the home when this is taking place is a feeling of emotional distance from the spouse. There is only so much affection and attention a person can lavish on another. There is usually not enough left to go around on the homefront.

If the friendship is happening at work there are many clues. Usually the spouse takes an unusual interest in his appearance all of a sudden. I have spoken to women who noticed that their husbands were showering both in the morning and at night. Suddenly aftershave may become a new part of the grooming routine before work. One man confided to his wife that he would find ways to be near the object of his affection. He took it upon himself to organize a group of coworkers that would walk with him at lunchtime. Hoping that the person that he was infatuated with would join up. When she did he was thrilled. Most people involved in an emotional affair deem them to be harmless because they are not actually sleeping with the person. Unfortunately, this is a great misconception. There is so much time and energy that is taken away from the marital relationship that there is great suffering.

Once confronted the person involved with the emotional relationship makes every effort to reassure his wife that he didn't do anything wrong. In his defense he may say that the friend was just someone he could talk to. That is probably the worst thing he could tell his wife. If a husband needs another woman to talk to than the only conclusion the wife can make is that her husband feels as though he cannot talk to her. This is how an emotional affair errodes the fabric of the marriage. The world that the wife once knew is upended. She now has a very real feeling of betrayal that the husband cannot understand because there was no physical contact.

Men think of affairs in terms of sex. Women think of affairs in terms of not only sex but also of sharing confidences or hopes and dreams with another. A woman knows her marriage is in trouble not when her husband stops sleeping with her but when he stops talking to her. A man on the otherhand thinks his marriage is in trouble if they are not having enough sex. Our brains are wired differently.

The only way to get past an emotional affair is for the spouse that is involved to completely break off the friendship. Also, to acknowledge that the pain is as real and significant to his partner as if he has slept with the third party. Until this happens there can be no healing. If the hurt spouse never feels heard or has her feelings validated there is not going to be healing. The trust can only be built again over time and understanding on the part of the person who had the affair. Most people want and need answers. If the marriage is going to make it then the person who strayed has to be able to listen and answer as many questions as is necessary. Most women want to know what they talked about. It hurts to think that your husband tore you down in the eyes of another woman. There are many of the same issues that come up had it been a physical affair. The same questions will swirl around in the betrayed ones head. "What's wrong with me" "Why doesn't he love me anymore?" "What did I do wrong"?

If you want to survive after an emotional affair there is one thing you must realize. It is never about you. Whatever happened or transpired is about the betrayer and what his or her self esteem issues are. You cannot fix another person. You have to fix yourself. Do not turn the blame on yourself even if your spouse is trying to do that. That is his or her way to relieve the guilt. Take care of yourself and move forward. If your spouse is unwilling to discuss what happened or minimize the pain it caused you you may have to rethink your marriage. You do not want to spend your days checking his e-mails, or phone records, or pockets for the rest of your life. That is no way to live and it will tear down your spirit. Sometimes the betrayer is absolutely convinced that you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. All I can say to that is if that is the case let him live in the mole hill and you make that mountain move on your own.

Emotional affairs can have devastating consequenses and if both parties cannot communicate and be open and honest trust is not going to happen. One important point to take away here is this. If you are not comfortable having a conversation at work or on the internet with your spouse standing right behind you than you are in dangerous territory.