Life is a Battle and Child Custody is Not Always Won

In most cases of child custody, the courts will favor the mother. Granted she is a fit parent, stable, supportive and able to care and provide for her child. After all, children do need their mothers especially at an early age. That is not to discredit fathers. I believe fathers are important in a young child's life and a man is capable of raising children alone, but it is more ideal for children to be with their mothers.

My story is an out of the ordinary situation. I had lived previously in the state of North Carolina for about four years or so when I decided to make an abrupt out of state move, per the unfavorable advice of one southern lawyer. My daughter was less than one year old at the time and my situation was grim. About four weeks or so after my move I telephoned my daughter's father. I was under the understanding that we were going to do custody mediation and avoid the court system. Needless to say when I was served papers to attend a court hearing six hundred miles away the next morning, I was completely unprepared and unrepresented. I sat alone in a courtroom facing one of the better known lawyers of the county and I lost. This initial hearing gave my daughter's father temporary custody due to my absence of representation and lack of stability. I had recently moved, I was unemployed, and I was living with my fiancé at the time who is now my husband. Although I know I was the more suitable choice for my daughter, this judge did not. She based her decision on what she knew and in this situation he was the one with the job and his name on a lease.

Thinking we would reconvene in six months or so I hired myself an attorney and we played the waiting game. My former mate and I managed to keep a stable, friendly yet unconventional relationship. We, or rather he, worked out a visitation schedule. I married and had another child about two years thereafter. With the accompaniment of my husband, I would travel every two weeks to see my precious daughter, occasionally bringing her home with me for a visit. Three years went by before we finally got our chance at a real hearing. This time I was ready, or so I thought.

Our hearing went very well; I presented myself in a very favorable manner, but this judge was not the same as before and was unfamiliar with my unique situation. In the end he awarded custody to my daughter's father on account that she had resided with him for those three years between the temporary order and now without significant problems and the extended family was in the area. He did not take into consideration my devotion to my daughter, the stable two parent home I had provided for her in a prime location, her sibling or my full time parenting status. None of that seemed to matter to a man who thought good enough was good enough for my little girl. It was all about the status quo.

Nearly six months have passed since our distressing hearing, and things have remained about the same as before. I still travel to see my daughter as often as I am able and she still spends every other holiday and half of the summer with me in my home. Her father's family and mine celebrate her birthdays together as one big dysfunctional family, boggling the minds of married, divorced and single people alike. It is still very painful to be away from my daughter and I don't think that pain will ever cease. Perhaps one day she will decide to come home on her own, or circumstances may change and I will be able to make the move closer to her. All I can do is wait and hope that day comes sooner than later.

Often times our situations turn out less than ideal but what is really important is that we always strive to do what is best for our children. Sometimes that means putting aside our own hearts desires or parenting from a distance. I feel it is vital for my children to have both parents active in their lives even if we do not have the traditional family. My daughter is healthy, happy and loved and in the grand scheme of things, that is really all that matters.