Life with Joey and Autism - Our Story

I open my eyes. Its a new day... the problem is, I'm not sure whether or not this is a good thing or a bad thing. I hear the loud banging, the screaming, I want to cover my ears and scream myself. I'm not waking in a war-zone - I'm waking up in my home, in my bed. The banging and screaming is coming from my 5-yr-old son, Joey... he is Autistic.

My son, Joey, is a beautiful child..the only thing scarring his beauty, is the Autism. There are pieces of Autism that, unless you have an Autistic child, you'd never know how bad it can get. Autism is different in all kids, some kids its less severe..some more. My Joey is severely Autistic.
I wake to the ear-piercing screaming, head-banging and kicking of the walls..just as I fall asleep to the same thing. People will say "Do you try to calm him down?", Only if I want to peel his teeth..or nails..out of my flesh. As much as I love my son, he will attack me if I get to close when he is having a melt-down (a melt-down is when all of his senses become overloaded). Sometimes, all it takes is a dog barking next door. Its hard..so incredibly difficult, being a mother..seeing your child going through so much, like he has an unseen assailant..and I can't hold him close to me, and soothe him, or fight the bad-guy for him. I have learned that if I get to close, I will pull away with a future scar..from teeth, or nails. If I'm lucky, just a bad bruise from a kick, or a headbutt, or a hard pinch.Sometimes, well..ok..alot of times..I feel like my mind is going, silently just slipping away, day by day. I used to be able to think, now..I almost stutter in my brain, as I try to do simple things in my head..a gray fog descends in my mind, and I can't think.

Sometimes, he crys and whines..constantly..allll day..alll night long, and its like a form of torture, it seems to never stop. Sometimes he doesn't, and its a new form of torture for me..scratching, biting,punching,kicking..but always something. I live my life going in and out of deep depression, my own health is rapidly on the decline. I have eczema, I never knew I had eczema, until Joey was out of school for a week..suddenly I started breaking out in itchy welts all over my body, "stress induced eczema", who would ever had known.

If only I had known, that I would never hear him say "mama" again..or even the word "shoe". If only I had known..I would most likely never hear him say "I love you". If only I had known, that those baby hugs I received from him..so long ago, would be the last. If I try to hug him now, he will bite me..hard enough to break the skin, or leave black and green bruises on me. If I had known, that tiny little guy that was so quiet and sweet, in that last restaurant we all went to (about 3 years ago!) would be so hard to take ANYWHERE at the ripe old age of 5! Its not so much, he yells, screams, and throws food..he does that all the time at home, but I feel so badly for the other patrons, who are there to enjoy a nice dinner..and get to watch and hear Joey. I feel badly for them, and I wonder.."do they think hes just a brat?" "Do they think I'm just a terrible mother?". I have contemplated many a time, in buying him t-shirts that proclaim "I have Autism", just so people will KNOW hes not just a "brat" and I'm not a terrible Mom.

My days at home with him are not your average day-at-home-with-the-kids. My life, everyday, is lived in a sort of "War-zone", only I absolutely LOVE the enemy..my son..I just hate the autism. I spend my days, trying to keep his clothes on him..cleaning up feces from my floors..cleaning food off the walls and ceilings and furniture..protecting myself from bodily harm, from my own child. When he does come to give me a hug, I don't get to feel what most mothers get to experience..I feel fear, Because I know 9 times out of 10, he will bite me. Then theres the crying, headbanging,screaming, whining,yelling..pretty much constantly..all day, even into the night..after hes in his room to go to sleep. I usually fall asleep after he does, around midnight..then I get to wake up to the headbanging, kicking of the walls, and yelling around 6:30 a.m. I open my eyes, to a new day..only..Im not sure if its a good thing..or a bad thing..