Life and Times at Lake Conroe 6

I had been trying so hard to get Samuel out of my mind. My mind was in turmoil over my financial situation. My heart was in turmoil over Samuel. I had been focusing my thoughts on the money problem, allowing Samuel into my thoughts only when I was posting a story or poem online. A couple of times the stress got to me and I just snapped.

I woke up on Thursday, July 23, with Samuel's face clear in my mind. I almost expected to find him there, beside me. Savage Garden's "I Knew I Loved You (Before I Met You)" was playing in my head.

I kept myself occupied at work. Only allowed thought of my finances into my head. Still, when I let my thoughts fly on their own, Samuel came to mind, and that song would play again. I found myself gazing out the window more and more. I realized I was watching for Samuel. Other times, I found myself staring at "his" spot, imagining him back there, scratching his tickets. At one point, I found myself gazing at the door. I missed the thrill of seeing him. In my mind, I replayed so many times I watched him walk through that door. I knew I could even handle going back to what we were. Just to be able to see him every night again. I missed him.

I didn't expect to see Samuel, that day. He'd only been coming in on Friday and Saturday mornings. And, usually, around 11:45. The most I expected was to pass him on the road, again.

Karim and I had started shift-change a little late. I was writing ticket numbers, while joking with one of my regulars. I looked up and there stood Samuel. Watching me intently - a happy glow in his eyes, a soft smile on his face. I was shocked. I stared at him, taking in the sight of him - from his hair, to his eyes, that smile I love so much (complete with the dimples), the way that tee shirt looks on him, and the fact that he'd shaved off the goatee. I have never missed a single detail about him.

I glanced at my watch. It was only 11:30. I looked back at him, confused. He was still looking at me in the same way, with his head cocked slightly. My first instinct was to back off. To clamp down. But I got lost in the look on his face. HE KNOWS. I KNOW HE KNOWS. And I couldn't hide it. I felt myself start to blush, and tried to ask, "Which tickets?" I stumbled over my words. He hadn't made me this flustered, in a long time!

The look in his eyes changed to that teasing look, as he asked softly, "What was that?"

I took a deep breath, cleared my throat, and repeated myself. He was still watching me, with a happy smile. I watched him take his tickets back to his spot. I haven't seen that bounce in his step, in a long time. As I continued with end-of-shift paperwork, I handled Samuel's tickets each time he came up. Karim was busy, so I handled some other customers, as well.

I couldn't keep my eyes off Samuel. I felt like someone who had just crossed the desert without even a canteen. Like I'd found my oasis and couldn't get enough to drink. I soaked in the sight of him. In my peripheral vision, I saw Javier watching me. He stepped forward to see what had my attention. He stared at Samuel, and then looked back at me, strangely. But my focus never wavered. That damned tee shirt!

The next time Samuel came up for tickets, he was watching me again. As I handed them to him, I smiled at him. The look in his eyes took my breath away. As he turned to go back to his spot, I noticed Javier standing off to the side, watching us. Apparently, he figured out who this guy was.

I was handling a line of customers. Samuel was at the end of that line. Suddenly, I realized he was watching me, but talking quietly to Javier. I saw Javier glance at me, then say something to Samuel. And Samuel gazed at me, with that happy smile. Maybe it was nothing. People tend to talk more to those who speak their language. But I know Samuel knows that he was talking to my ex-lover. And I know Javier knows he was talking to the man who has my heart.

Samuel seemed more confident in his ability to affect me, than before. When I was getting ready to leave, he turned, leaned against the counter, and said, "You leaving?" There was no anxiety in his stance, no desperation in his voice. No fear in his eyes. None of the uncertainty I'd seen before.

I smiled, looking him over. "Yep."

He gave me one of those smoldering looks, smiled, and said, in a very sexy voice, "I'll see you."

As I was pulling out of the parking lot, I was trying to get my emotions and hormones back under control. YEP, I thought, HE KNOWS.

A week passed, with no sign of Samuel, at all. I hadn't seen him drive by the store. He hadn't come into the store, while I was there. I hadn't passed him on the road, heading home. Not even a bare glimpse of him, except the online video clip I couldn't stop watching. And much happened that week.

Monday, July 27th, I was finally able to get over to the Social Security Office, to find out why I haven't been getting Sedona's death benefits checks. That money is much needed. The fine I haven't been able to pay off in Texarkana, led to a warrant being out for me. Since there's an outstanding warrant out for me, for an unpaid fine, the Social Security Office deemed me unworthy to be in charge of Sedona's money. June and July checks went on to Vickie in Alabama. And Sedona hasn't been living there, since the end of May. Vickie is supposed to send the money on to me, but I must present receipts as proof that the money was spent for Sedona's well-being. HMM. And how is covering food and shelter costs NOT covering her well-being?

That evening, I received a call from Jay at work. Michael wasn't going to be opening the next morning. Jay was closing. I would have to come in on my day off.

Tuesday, July 28th, Karim informed me that Michael had quit. Either the floater position would have to be filled, or another person would have to be hired. I stopped off at Quick Mart, to talk to Ali. He was supposed to be taking over Lake Conroe Exxon that Saturday. My only thought had become the fact that I can't continue on mornings. Not seeing Samuel was having a negative effect on me. I'd accepted that I may never touch the man, but I still deeded to SEE him. I put in a request to take back my night shift. Aftab was there. HE promised me I could start back on nights, beginning that Saturday. And I could keep my Tuesdays off.

The next day, Karim acted as if he wanted to get angry that I'd spoken directly to Aftab, going over his head. "He doesn't know yet that Michael quit!"

"He told me I could start back on nights, on Saturday."

"I know, Melissa, but he doesn't know Michael quit. Wendy's staying with me, when I go to Quick Mart. She's opening, Raj is closing. Jay's staying at Lake Conroe Exxon. It's supposed to be Melissa open, Jay closing. I still need a floater."

I remained silent.

"Okay, okay, Melissa," Karim finally said. "We'll work it out."

I spent that night on the internet. I learned a lot about the types of people that go to Walden Yacht Club, and how well known their Commodore Dining Room is. I found articles from the Boston Globe, and other faraway newspaper! I learned from those articles more about Samuel. Apparently, he worked hard, for many years, to get the position of sous chef. He has every reason to be proud.

As I began to learn more about Samuel's world, I realized many things. First of all, I would never fit in anywhere in that world. Even if he did divorce his wife, he would never get into a serious relationship with me. I'm a hillbilly, a tomboy, and tough, stubborn. Not many would call me a "lady". I'm a blue jeans and tennis shoes type of person. In his world, are suits, ties, dresses and high heels. YECK!!!

I also realized I don't really know Samuel, at all. All I know is what is presented to me, in that tiny time frame I have with him. I've read a lot in those eyes and body language, and found his basic personality. That's what I fell in love with. But I really know nothing about HIM. He has never shared his personal life with me. He has never given me even a glimpse of how he moves in his world. He has never once even hinted that he wanted me in any part of his world. And, when I offered to let him into MY world, he showed no real interest. The way he looks at me and reacts to my attention tells me he's attracted to me, but I think he falls into the category of "interested but not going there." I give his male pride an ego boost.

I thought of those male strippers on stage. Gay men who do strip-shows for straight women. It's a boost to their ego, to get these women hot and bothered, and flustered. But they know these women won't touch them, and they won't touch the women. It's a game. They taunt and tease. Turning these women on, so someone else can get them off. Nothing more than a fun, sexy fantasy.

I realized that what Samuel had become: a fun, sexy fantasy. And I knew I needed to let go. "Seek another." Let the fantasy feed the spark. Let him turn me on, so someone else can get me off. I realized I have wasted four months on him. I thought of how much energy I've wasted on him.

In order for him at least to SEE me, every day, all he'd have to do is be there 10 or 15 minutes earlier than usual. Why was I trying to kill an extra 10 to 15 minutes, on MY end? I knew I was about to change my schedule, again, just to see him again. Why couldn't HE take a few extra MINUTES out of HIS day?

I poured out my desires in poetry, and he pushed me away. Then teased me without mercy for two months, afterward. Then I poured out my heart in a letter, and he avoided me. Only to begin teasing me ,again. It's been two months since I gave him the letter. All he's done is taunt me with what he knows I want. Like standing before a man who's dying of thirst, and taunting him with a bottle of cool, clear water.

"Is this what you want?" he teases. "Wouldn't you LOVE to have it?" the looks whisper. "Well, you'll NEVER have it!" (Cue evil laughter.)

I feel drained. And I'm tired of chasing him.

RUN, RUN, AS FAST AS YOU CAN! YOU CAN'T CATCH ME! I'M THE GINGERBREAD MAN!!!

I had agreed to open for a few more days, until they found someone else. So I was there at the store on Saturday, August 1. I was only thinking of my finances. No thoughts of Samuel at all. I was thinking of the situation with the Social Security Administration, of where that day's paycheck would go, wondering how I was going to get everything caught up. I went through my customers, feeling a sense of depression. Wondering what my next step should be.

I was gazing out the window around 9:30 am, lost in thought, when I saw Samuel's car at the intersection. But, instead of turning onto Walden Road, it went straight. I dismissed the feeling that it was he. Way too early. But, I was suddenly immersed in thoughts of him, again. Just as I was about to push the memories away, I heard Samuel say, "HEY!"

I jumped, looking at him. "Whoa!" I stared at him, like I was seeing a phantom. I glanced at my watch, then back at him. There was an impish gleam in his eyes. He'd snuck up on me, on purpose!

He glanced at my watch. "I'm going in early, today," he said. He gave me the smile that melts me. He stayed only a few minutes - long enough to scratch four losing tickets. But he'd put in an appearance. Letting me know, with just a look, that he'd come in just to see me. And to make sure I saw him. It was enough. Enough to make the world seem brighter, to make me feel better. Enough to immerse my mind and heart with thoughts of only him.

He knows I can't put him out of my mind, if I still see him. Apparently, he doesn't want me to move on. But, why?

On Sunday, August 2, on my way to work, I passed the little Citco on Highway 75. My eyes were drawn to the large "Help Wanted" sign out front. I put in an application ,there, several months ago. I wasn't hired, back then. But, since then, I've made myself known to the owner/manager, Mike, and the assistant manager. I stop in that store, a lot. . Mike calls me "Exxon Lady". I thought about it, as I continued on to work - and as I opened the store. I have the feeling, if I try, this time, they'll hire me.

Thoughts about changing jobs led me to think about Samuel, again. If I had pushed harder, back in March, I would've had a job in Willis. Money wouldn't have been so tight. But I stayed for Samuel. Now, with the terrible teasing - knowing I can't have him - it's because of Samuel that I'm seriously considering moving on.

If I leave, I'll never see him, again. He won't make an effort to contact me. He won't go out of his was to try to see me. He's already proven that. He's shown me that there will never be any contact with him outside of - or away from - Lake Conroe Exxon. He enjoys the flirting, as most men do, but he's made his point clear: it won't go beyond that.

I could stay and go back on nights. That would guarantee I'd see him nearly every night. But could I really handle letting things simply return to what they were? There's no way I could get over him, then.

Then another thought crept into my head : COULD I MOVE FORWARD WITH HIM, IF HE CHOOSES TO BE WITH ME? He will never get that divorce he mentioned, four months ago. I waited for Alton, for three years. He never got a divorce, either. I wasted so much time on him. So much of myself I poured into that relationship. When he died, I was never acknowledged. I didn't even get to go to the funeral. I was never more than his mistress. THE OTHER WOMAN.

I realized that's all I'd ever be to Samuel, too. Even if he did want me, it could never be real. I heard Tracy Chapman's song "Gimme One Reason" play in my head. But, even if he lets me know he wants me, could I really handle being with another married man? His eyes draw me in. His smile makes me melt. His voice does things I'm afraid even to think about. I want him too much. I could never be satisfied with going back to what we were. I know this. It would be worse torture.

The only way I can get over him is to get away from the only place I've ever seen him. The only place where he even acknowledges my existence. When he's away from there, I don't exist for him. If I never see him again, maybe he will finally cease to exist for me.

On Tuesday, August 4th, I stayed an hour extra, so Jay could get new inventory checked in. I found out, that day, that Leigh was coming back. She was on days, last year. And she'd be taking it, now, so I could have nights back. My mind drifted to thoughts of Samuel, again.

That's when Javier walked through the door, coming into work. He had on a dark-blue shirt. One of the colors I once told him looks incredibly sexy on him. He stopped, glanced down at his shirt, then at me. He flashed me "that" grin and continued on.

All I could think was : I'M ALREADY HORNY FOR THE MAN I WANT, BUT CAN'T HAVE. NOW I'M BEING TEMPTED, AGAIN, BY THE ONE I'VE HAD - AND COULD HAVE AGAIN.

I tried NOT watching Javier, but kept getting distracted by him. He kept himself in my line of sight. I tried not LETTING HIM SEE ME watch him. But he was watching me. By the time I left work, I was torn between waiting a little longer for Samuel, and grabbing up Javier, again. I kept reminding myself that the last time I concentrated so hard on thoughts of Javier, I lost a tire. And a couple days of work!

Wednesday, August 5th, I learned a few things, from listening to Jay talk to other people. The first thing I learned is that Karim is now in charge of Quick Mart. That meant he was no longer managing the store where I was working. Good. I was content with that. The second thing I learned was that JAY - NOT ALI - is now in charge of Lake Conroe Exxon. Ali seems to have simply vanished. And Jay is the boss, now. Why can't they keep employees up-to-date on the workings of the store where they work? I've never worked in a place where things could change so drastically, from one day to the next! They seem to keep every little detail an absolute secret from the very people it affects the most.

The third thing I learned is that Jay has finally loosened up a bit. He's not quite so shy and quiet, anymore. I think working with the regular customers on night shift had a lot to do with that. He's almost as much fun to work with, now, as Raj always was.

That day, I was asked to leave Lake Conroe Exxon an hour early, to go fill in at Quick Mart for two hours. Karim was sick. Rosa, the deli-girl, had to open the store and was working the register AND the deli, all morning. The busiest part of the day was about to hit. I thought of her trying to work both, during the lunch rush. I agreed. I did it for Rosa. NOT Karim.

It was 11:15 am, when I clocked in at Quick Mart, and took over the register. It was 11:30 am, when I watched Samuel's car pass by. He would be stopping at Lake Conroe Exxon. Then, he was back in my thoughts, again.

Thursday, August 6th, I went into work feeling a sense of excited expectation. It was my first night back on night shift. It was Thursday. I knew I would see Samuel.

At 11:15 pm, I was sitting on the curb, in front of the spot where Samuel usually parks. I had all the pre-closing stuff done, except for writing down the lottery numbers. As usual, I was waiting for Samuel. I lit my cigarette and managed to get three good drags, when I saw him pull in. I sat there, taking another drag, watching him park in the next spot over - and trying to figure out the strange sounds emanating from his car's front-end. He watched me, as he got out.

I sat there, looking him over, as I took a long, deep drag. He was wearing a looser tee shirt. But I could easily imagine sliding my hands under it, to caress him. I continued to watch him, as he slowly walked around and onto the walkway. "You're not gonna make me put this out, are you?" I asked, only halfway joking.

He was gazing at me with that soft look. Finally, he smiled and said, "No, go ahead." Then he sat down by his car. Still watching me.

I glanced toward the car. "Your car's making funny noises," I said, grinning.

"Yeah. It needs grease."

I looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to say more. Nada. No mechanic is he. "What about that other noise?" I asked, indicating the humming noise that had come from his passenger door.

"Oh, that's the motor in there." He looked back at me. "The motor for the windows." He grinned. "They don't work." Then, with that easy laugh I haven't heard in so long, he added, "The driver's side window is the only window that works."

I laughed, nodded, and pointed to my van. "On my van, the driver's side window's the only one that DOESN'T work! If the window's all the way down, I work on it, all the way from Willis to here. By the time I get here, the window MIGHT be all the way up." He laughed, and was about to say something else, when someone pulled in. I caught the momentary look of frustration on his face. I sighed, crushing out my cigarette. "Well," I said, standing up, "NOW I have to put it out."

Inside, he let the other customer go first, while he stood back and watched me. When he bought his tickets, he was acting nervous. Not really looking at me. Like he did, after I gave him those poems. Did he think I was going to press him for a response? I simply talked to him like I did all my regulars. Laughing and joking about still waking up too early. He laughed, too, but eyed me nervously. That's when I knew nothing would be said about the contents of the letter.

When he was leaving, he said, "I'm going home. I'm tired. I been working ALL DAY!"

"ALL day?"

He let out an exaggerated sigh. "Since 8:00 this morning."

"Why?"

"Been busy. Been doing that, the last three days."

"Wow," I joked, "and I thought I was having a long day!"

He laughed, as he reached for the door. "I'll see you manana."

"No, you won't." He stopped and looked at me questioningly. "I've been working two-and-a-half weeks straight, without a day off. They finally replaced me, on mornings. They're letting me off tomorrow."

With a look of frustration and a sigh, he pushed open the door. "Well, I guess I'll see you around." After a moment, as he stepped through the door, he repeated, "I'll see you around."

My first reaction, as I watched him pull away, was to start crying. I felt pain, deep inside. It hurt. Still, he had nothing to say. Then I took a deep breath, blinked back the tears, and finished closing.

I knew, when I asked for the night shift, that Samuel would never be mine. I had already accepted that. But I had still hoped. I had to keep going forward.

On Sunday, August 9th, I began coming in earlier. Extra hours, without a day off for the next week, because Jay was going out of town. Aftab, the owner, and Jay were there, at the time. Stocking extra inventory to get the store through the week. Samuel came in at 2:00 pm. He's never been in so early. I was surprised to see him. I was in a good mood, not even thinking about him, and joking with my customers. He stood back, watching me, and watching them. One of my male regulars loves to flirt - and I playfully flirt back. Samuel was shooting him a dirty look. When that guy turned and saw Samuel's glare, he stepped back, and looked at me. Then back at Samuel. Samuel looked directly at me, then back at him. That customer got this strange look, and left. The look Samuel gave the guy implied he didn't like anyone flirting with me. It also gave the impression that I am his. I was confused.

When Samuel got to the counter, I chose to act like I used to. I playfully flirted with him, as I did many others. We picked at each other. We laughed. And when he turned to take his tickets back to his spot, he shot a look at the two men behind him. Then grinned and kept walking. I got the impression he was trying to tell the men to back off. Trying to make them think I was his. I chose to overlook it. And continued on.

When Samuel came back to the counter, he was giving me one of those teasing looks. I smiled at him. Yes, the tee shirt held my attention again. And those eyes. He smiled. He cashed in his winning tickets -- $21 worth. Then chose $11 worth of tickets. I thought on it for a moment, and then said, "Ah, you want $10 back."

He grinned. "This way, you don't have to count."

I laughed. Then pointed at him in mock-seriousness, handing him his tickets and money. "Hey, don't be a smartass. That's MY job!" We both laughed, as did the folks in line behind him. And, again, as he turned to go back to his spot, he shot that look to the men in line.

His next trip up, he won $12. And chose $15 worth of tickets. "Wait," he said. "How much is that?"

I gave him a questioning look. "$15."

"Oh. No, I don't want that last one. Give me the one next to it." A $2. He'd wanted his tickets to add up to the amount he'd won.

As I handed them to him, I laughed. "Uh-huh. Who can't count NOW?" He gave an embarrassed grin, and blushed a little, but laughed it off. But, again, the other men in the store received one of those "stay away from her" looks.

Next trip up, he'd won $20, and got $10 worth of tickets. I handed him the tickets, and he just stood there. I looked at the tickets, then at the lotto machine, giving me the total winnings. I laughed. "OH. You want your MONEY!"

He grinned. "Yeah."

I opened the drawer. Handing him his $10, I laughed again. "Okay, we're even now."

He laughed, and then caught my eye, giving me one of those passionate looks. As he turned to go back to his spot again, the man behind him - another of my favorite regulars - received a "stay away from her" look that could have melted iron. That customer responded as the first one did: he looked from Samuel to me, with that question in his eyes. Samuel merely turned and smiled at me, then continued on to his spot.

Coming back up the aisle, he gave me one of those heart-stopping smiles. "Nada. Nothing." And headed for the door. "I'll see you." I was looking him over. He stopped at the door and turned to look at me, catching me studying his body. He grinned his happy grin. "On Wednesday," he added. Then he walked on out the door, with a bounce in his step. I noticed he was driving his friend's SUV, not his car. This told me the car was in the shop. I saw him make a call on his cell phone, as he was leaving. I had to wonder who he was talking to. Had he patched things up with the wife? Apparently, no divorce is in the works. Or does he have another lover? He seems to be in too good a mood to be going without.

During a slow time, my mind wandered to thoughts of Samuel. I felt pain settle within me. I had the sudden realization that, when we were alone, he was too nervous to say anything to me. Seemed afraid of being alone with me. Had nothing at all to say. But, then he comes in, while others are there, and suddenly he acts like we're a couple. Why does he seem to pull back from me, when we're alone? Is he afraid I might try to come on to him? Then why act like he's interested only when others can witness it?

The thought of gay male strippers on stage entered my thoughts. These men know they are turning those women on. And they know nothing will ever happen. They do their jobs well. Turning women on that they don't want, so they can have better sex with their boyfriends or husbands. Then I wondered why I was thinking of GAY male strippers. The same would apply to straight male strippers. Wouldn't it? Then another thought entered my mind.

A man who is secretly gay and trying to hide the fact uses the women around him to help him hide the fact. These men marry, to prove to everyone they're not gay. Usually women they wouldn't have sex with. Samuel is on his second wife. A woman old enough to be his mother. As was his first wife. He tends to make a big deal about the fact that he's married. Now, he's connected to the woman every man seems to want.

I'm not being conceited on this point. I'm merely speaking the truth. Men want me. I don't know why. I only know they have only one interest in me. Samuel knows, from watching how men act around me, that they want me. He works with many of those men who've tried to get me to go home with them. Now, he's trying to make everyone think there's something going on between us.

I began to wonder if Samuel is actually gay. Is that why he would never give me a straight answer? It would certainly explain many things. And now he's using ME, to make everyone thinks he's straight? Again, confusion set in.

If he's gay, I never stood a chance with him, anyway. Maybe it's time to get completely away from him.

On Monday, August 10th, I started going into work at 3:00 pm until closing. I had kept thoughts of Samuel out of my mind completely. I had started wondering about going back to Javier. It was a temptation. I wasn't sure about it. I had told myself that, at one time, there had been many men trying to get me to go out with them. So I told myself that the first single guy that asked me out would get the chance. The only way I'd really be able to get over Samuel, at this point, would be to see someone else. Not for sex. Just for a regular "getting-to-know-you" date. Something I haven't done, in too many years.

I watched Javier while he worked. And he watched me. We laughed about little things, more like friends would, and communicated, in our limited fashion. Until it was time for him to go. His looks told me he still wanted me. But he wasn't going to make any moves. Unfortunately, watching him was having its effect on me. When he left, it wasn't him I was thinking of. Again, it was thoughts of Samuel that had crept into my mind.

I pushed the thoughts away. I battled against the thoughts throughout my shift. I reminded myself that he's only been playing with my emotions, as any other man would - and has. I reminded myself that Samuel is married. He would probably never get that divorce. I also reminded myself that he probably already has another lover, anyway. And that lover is most likely a man. And, in that way, I kept him out of my thoughts, and out of my heart, for the length of the shift.

Tuesday, August 11th, when I got to work, the first thing I noticed was Javier's truck wasn't there. Where Javier usually parked, was Arturo's car. Arturo, the stock boy from Quick Mart. My first thought was that Karim had seen on the security cameras, that Javier and I had been talking and joking and had decided to move him to the other store. When Karim left to go to the bank, I saw Arturo.

He grinned. "Melissa! Hola!"

Arturo's a nice guy. Married, family, friendly. And, unfortunately, interested. He's closer to my age. But I have never had any interest in him. And never shown any. I like him, but in a friendly co-worker way. I smiled at him. "Arturo! Hola!"

Uncertain how much English he might understand, I asked him, "You like working here?"

He shrugged. "Only 3 hours, here." Then smiled and continued on.

Three hours?

A little while later, as Arturo was leaving, Karim and Aftab informed me that Javier was sick. Arturo was filling in for three hours, and then was heading to the other store. Aftab gave me a list of minor things that the stock boy usually does during my shift. These things were to be added to my chores. Along with doing the things shifted to me from day-shift, and along with my regular night-shift duties. I didn't complain. I would cover for Javier. How many times had Javier been there for me, as a friend? I'd lost count. So I figured a day or two doing his job on top of everything else would be no problem. But I was completely exhausted, when I got home, that night.

I was informed, when I got home, that Starr - our pregnant cat - had been doing nothing but sleeping, the whole time I was at work. In the spot David had fixed up for her, in the other room. HMM.

Starr came out into the living room, when I got home, wanting my attention. She hadn't eaten, for most of the day. She had only been drinking water. And she was several days beyond the original date I had calculated for her to have those kittens.

David went and crashed in my bed, around midnight. So I lay down on the couch to sleep, around 1:00 am. Sedona decided to go check on Starr, around 2:30. Next thing I knew - "Mama, mama, I see kittens!"

Of course, I had to get up and go check. There was one little grey one, and one still coming out. I petted Starr, stroking her belly, as she had a hard contraction. Looking at Sedona, I smiled. "Well, she's finally having her babies." I figured that was that. And I'd go on back to bed.

How wrong I was.

Sedona refused to go to sleep, and kept waking me up, each time Starr had another kitten. Until she finally fell out around 5:00. Starr had given birth to two grey kittens, and a tabby, by then. I took the chance to go back to bed. But woke up at 10:30 am.

Starr had given birth, sometime during those last 5 hours, to seven kittens. Three greys, two tabbies, one black with grey legs, and one solid black. All three greys are female; both blacks are male, and the tabbies? One of each. But I didn't get to go back to sleep.

Wednesday, I had to stop by the school to get Sedona registered for this year. I'd thought I'd be in there 15 minutes, and make it to work right at 3:00. I was wrong. They didn't start registration until 2:00. So I didn't get out of there until nearly 3:00. This was when I was supposed to be at work. I had to call the store, as I was leaving the school, to explain why I was late.

Aftab and Karim were filling ice bags and stocking, when I got there. All I was told was that I'd have to cover more of the stock boy's job, because Javier was still sick. I was told nothing else. Leigh came back to buy some beer, later, and I asked her about Javier. She said that he'd collapsed in the back stock room. Nothing else was told to me. I began to worry about him. Wished I could call him, to check on him. Knowing I couldn't. No more time on my phone meant I couldn't even text my brother to translate texts for me. My thoughts were consumed by worry for the only friend I really had, here.

I thought back over the entire time I've been here. And realized the truth of that. When I needed help, who always came through - in one way or another? Javier. A ride, when I needed it. Money, when I needed it. (And wouldn't let me pay him back.) A shoulder to cry on, when I needed it. Javier had a great friendship. If I could have actually TALKED to him, instead of having to translate notes and texts back and forth, it would've been a perfect friendship. Even without the sex. He had been all the things I'd wanted in a lover. Except he was married. He was all the things I'd wished I could have with Samuel.

By 9:30 that night, I was so tired I could barely move. I had finally caught up what day-shift wasn't doing anymore, and caught up what the stock boy always did, and was starting on my regular stuff. Hoping I'd have all MY chores done before closing. I didn't give myself any real breaks. I just kept moving.

By 10:00, my feet and legs hurt, my back was throbbing, my arms were sore, and I was so tired I could barely stand. My mind was drifting in and out of a fog. Many things seemed blurry. I began pre-closing, in the midst of working on my night-shift chores.

I had the lock on the ice cooler outside at 10:15 and trash taken out, and began counting the safe. At 10:30, I began counting the phone cards. Samuel surprised me, by coming in that early. I was tired and barely noticed him. He smiled and said, "Hi."

I nodded, and I think I said "Hi." Then pointed to the tickets and said, "Which tickets?"

Samuel gave me a confused look. "What?"

I looked up at him. "Which tickets?" I repeated.

He gazed at me for a moment, a strange look on his face. A combination of pain and sympathy. "Are you tired?"

I sighed. I tried to say "exhausted," but the word wouldn't come out. What came out was, "Ex-, ex-, extremely." I tiredly leaned against the counter, and tried joking about it, by telling him about the escapades with Sedona and the cat, in the middle of the night. He didn't laugh, though. He only looked at me, concerned. Then chose his $10 worth of tickets. Those were losers, so he bought $10 more. While he was there at the counter, I told him, "I'm looking for another job."

A look of frustration came across his face. "Good luck," he said.

"I know they're hard to find, right now."

"It's bad, out there," he said, tapping his tickets on the counter. He glanced at me a moment.

I sighed. "It's bad here, too," I said quietly. And he went on to his spot.

During the time he was busy scratching, he noticed the fact that I continued counting the cards, and was doing paperwork. I didn't talk to him. I was just drained. When he lost on that second set of tickets, he headed for the door. I only remember he gave me some sort of sign-off. I can't remember exactly what he said, as he left. Odd.

I didn't watch him leave. I just started writing down the lottery numbers. I was out of there by 11:00. I don't remember the drive home.

I got online, when I got home, and signed into Messenger. With no ability to text from my phone, I sent a text to Javier's phone from Yahoo Messenger: "I heard you collapsed at work. You've been sick. Are you okay?" I knew he wouldn't respond immediately. So I signed on out and ended up chatting with my online friend, Saman, for awhile.

Saman can't understand why Samuel never came forward with me. Why he's remaining silent on everything. I merely told him I had begun to get the feeling Samuel might be secretly gay. I could be wrong. I could be reading everything wrong. I don't know. I just know he's made no real effort to let me know, for sure, that he's interested. Nor has he mentioned a divorce-in-progress. Nor has he told me he's NOT interested. I'm just tired of playing the game.

Thursday morning, August 13th, I was up at 9:30 am. Tired, so I didn't accomplish anything around the house. I fixed coffee and sat at the computer. Finally, I began catching up on my story-writing, and signed into Messenger.

A message from Javier: "I have bad stomach pains. I might need an operation."

I responded: "What kind of operation? I told you I care about you and I worry about you."

"An operation on my stomach. I care for you, too. I miss you. I can't work, anymore."

"You're not coming back to work? Are you at home?"

"No more and no."

"Are you in the hospital?"

A long time before this was answered: "I can't work anymore. I will leave everything behind. I miss you."

"Are you returning to Mexico?"

"Yes. I can't work anymore, so I have to return."

"Will I see you again?"

Another long time passed, before he answered: "There's no time. I hope you will be happy with the man you told me you love."

I thought on that, for a moment. "When are you leaving?"

"They say as soon as possible, before this gets any worse."

"I wish you could stay. I have enjoyed being your friend."

I never got a response from that. When I got to work, I straight up asked Karim, "How long will it take you to replace Javier?"

He looked at me strangely. "Arturo will be coming here for three hours every day, in the mornings. Then going to the other store."

I stared at him a moment. He'd avoided answering me. "Javier said he was going to need an operation. And he was returning to Mexico."

Karim stared at me, surprised. "You talked to him? He call you?"

I sighed. "I don't speak Spanish very well. But I can read it well enough. We text each other."

A strange jealous look crossed Karim's face. That only pissed me off. I knew all the crap he was putting me through was because he was jealous that Javier had been my lover, when I'd turned HIM down. "He's leaving. He'll be getting his check, then leaving. Going back to Mexico."

"Yes, I know. He told me. How long before you replace him?"

He shot me an angry look. "We don't need a full-time stock boy here. Arturo can work here three hours in the mornings, then go to the other store. The rest, you can do."

So I have day-shift's opening duties thrown back on me, for the busiest shift. I have my regular night-shift duties. As well as running the register and taking care of the customers. Now, I have the stock boy's full duties thrown on me, as well. My only thought was that I really hope I get a call-back, soon on one of the applications I've turned in this week. The first job-offer I get, I'm taking it. I cannot abandon my post, no matter how hard it becomes. Because I still need the job. Until something else comes along.

Once again, by 10:00 pm, I was too tired and sore to move. I happened to be facing the window at 10:15 pm. I saw Samuel's car drive by. He didn't even slow down. He got off work early, and didn't even come by the store. Another piece of me let him go. I just shrugged it off. I was too tired to care, at the moment. I just started closing. I got out of there at 11:15. Again, I don't remember the drive home.

Friday, August 14th, I woke up around 7:30 am, for some strange reason. Moonlight Sonata, Sedona's little Chihuahua was getting agitated. She was a little past due on having her pups, so I was a little worried. I'd been telling Dave and Sedona to keep close watch on her. Tired and sore, there was no way I could do anything around the house. I simply sat at my computer and chatted with Saman, for a while. At 10:25 am, I started to get sleepy. Decided I'd better take a nap, before going into work.

I got myself settled onto my bed, and was about to doze, when I realized a low growl was emanating from somewhere under the covers. I realized it was Moonlight. She was Sedona's dog, so knew her as "Mommy" and me as "Grammy". I reached out and touched her through the covers and whispered, "It's okay, baby. It's just Grammy." But she continued to growl. I thought that was odd. I pulled the covers back, to reveal her little head, so she could see that it was I. "It's okay, Moonlight." She gave me a pitiful, pleading look, but continued her low growl. Confused, I pulled the covers back further. I noticed something squirming underneath her. I turned on the light and put my glasses back on. "Oh, hell no!" I shouted. "On my BED?" She'd already given birth to one and another had just come out.

I grabbed notebook and pencil, to write everything down. The first was a chocolate male. The second turned out to be a chocolate male, as well, but with a dark-chocolate face and tail. He had a white tip on his tail, too. "Okay, Moonlight," I said calmly, "if you give me a female that looks like one of those males, I'll be okay with you messing up my bed."

I took short catnaps, as she continued in labor. It was after noon, when the next one began to come out. It was breech, and got stuck. I ended up having to help her deliver that one. A black and white female, born limp and cold. I worked hard on that little girl. Massaging her with a towel, to stimulate her to breath; holding her upside-down, to assist in draining fluid from her lungs. After about 2 minutes, she began to twitch and squirm, opening her tiny mouth, fighting to try to take a breath. I was sticking my finger in her mouth, to help get anything out of there. Wiping her little face. I still ended up giving her little "breaths of life". It took 10 minutes, before she gave her first whimper, telling me she'd taken her first weak breath. I continued to rub her little tummy and ribs, breathing short bursts of breath into her tiny mouth. I was determined this tiny pup would not die! Another 5 minutes of helping her, and she finally gave her first real cry. And I was so happy I nearly cried. I held her under my shirt, against my body, to give her my warmth, as she continued to yelp and whine. But I knew she'd live. I brought her proudly to her mama, to take her first sip of mother's nectar. It was around 1:45, when the next black and white female came. And she came normally. Four pups, so far, but I could feel more.

I had to go on to work, at that point. I informed Dave and Sedona that there was at least one more - maybe two - still on the way. "Watch her carefully," I told them. "She may have more problems." I instructed Dave on what to do, if another was breech. I also told Sedona, "If she doesn't give us any females as pretty as those males, we'll keep that one I fought so hard for." She nodded, but wasn't happy.

"You told me I could pick the one we keep, Mama."

"We'll see," was all I said.

When I got to work, Karim informed me that Jay was back from Chicago. "Does this mean I can leave early?"

Karim gave me that holier-than-thou grin of his. "NO."

I was nervous, worried about Moonlight. I had put minutes on Sedona's old TracFone, to make sure they could call me, if anything happened.

When Jay got there, Aftab came too. I noticed Aftab arguing with Karim in Urdu, but couldn't figure out what they were arguing about. It did seem to get rather heated, at one point. I tried to ignore them, and continue with customers. But it was hard to do. By the time Karim left, Arturo had put in his measly 3 hours, which helped day shift, but not night shift. Arturo left soon after Karim. After the customer-rush was over, I tiredly went about the things I had gotten used to doing, over the last few days. And when I returned to the counter, I noticed Jay was at the desk in the office, watching the security monitors. I was about to start stocking the mini-coolers, when I noticed Jay was already doing that. I was surprised - and a bit relieved. I also noticed, a little later, that Jay had covered most of those stock-boy duties that I had been doing. That took a HUGE load off me. He watched me with sympathy, as he continued doing those chores. It made me wonder, again, what the argument between Aftab and Karim had been about.

At 6:30 pm, Sedona called the store. Moonlight was having trouble. She'd given birth to another female around 5:00 without a problem. A female whose color she could not describe. Now, on the sixth pup, she had been having a problem, for about half an hour. It was breech. She wouldn't let Dave help her. He said she'd been running around the house, with it hanging out of her, whimpering, whining, and yelping in pain. She wouldn't let Dave touch her, to help her deliver it.

7:00 pm, another call. The pup had finally come out and was limp and cold. I gave Dave instructions on what to do to try to save it. But I knew, considering how long it had been stuck in there, I didn't have much hope for that one. A black and white male. I told him to try for about 15 minutes. If he gets no results, put him with Moonlight, and see what happens.

At 7:30, he called again. Moonlight had licked it, pushed it around a bit, and then turned her back to it. When he went to check, it was stiff and cold. I told him, "I didn't think he'd make it. I only wanted Moonlight to know he was dead, so she would concentrate on the ones that DID make it. Otherwise, she would have searched the house for him." So Dave buried the little guy in the backyard. I had been giving Jay updates on Moonlight's condition, and the pups. He seemed as sad as I was that the little guy didn't make it.

Jay finally left around 9:00, when the customer flow had dropped to a trickle. I was more grateful than he knew. Most of the extra duties that had been pushed onto me by Karim were taken care of by Jay. So I wasn't killing myself - while already dead-tired - to get all that done. It actually felt like I was kind of having a day off!

At 10:30 pm, I had a lot of the pre-closing stuff done, and had put the lock on the ice cooler. I was outside, smoking a cigarette, when I saw Samuel's car drive by. Again, he didn't slow down, but he did look. And, seeing me outside, he honked and waved. I waved back. He was letting me know he wasn't stopping. I wouldn't have to wait for him. The thought that crossed my mind was that there was once a time he would've stopped, anyway, just to come in and say hi. I didn't know if he was staying away because he knew I was exhausted or if he was just avoiding me. Hard to say. But it didn't hurt as much, to watch him drive by. Again, the thought crossed my mind, and I reminded myself of the promise I'd made to myself: "The first single guy that asks me out, I'll take him up on it."

He left my thoughts, as I concentrated on closing. My thoughts were centered on Moonlight and the pups. All the way home, I thought only of my little chi and her new babies. And Starr, our cat, and HER new babies. For the first time, Samuel didn't enter my thoughts, at all, on my way home.

The first thing I did, after changing out of my work clothes, was check on Moonlight, and get a look at that fifth pup. I was shocked. That little female was a brindle and chocolate mix. Absolutely beautiful. The prettiest pup in the litter! And definitely the runt. I've always had a soft spot for the runts. Sedona was sitting beside me, watching me anxiously. "We're keeping THAT one!" I said, excitedly, pointing to the little runt.

"YES!" Sedona shouted. She loved the runt, too.

I went into work, Saturday, August 15th at 2:00, feeling tired, but good. I'd managed to get some much-needed rest. I was feeling better than I had, in days. But still ever so tired. I was cheerful with my customers, and joking with Jay. Something I hadn't been in the mood for, in nearly a week. But by 6:30, I was already winding down. I was so tired and sore, already, I was about to fall out. I bought myself a No Fear energy drink and guzzled down half the can. By 7:30, it was starting to kick in. By the time I finished the can, around 8:30, I was bouncing and feeling good. I was again laughing and joking with my customers. And they were happy to see that. They'd missed my cheerfulness. But understood.

Around 10:00, a customer came in, who's been one of my regulars for 6 months. I hadn't seen him in about 3 weeks.

I love tattoos. And the really cool tats get my attention. Sometimes, I'll remember customers by their tats, before I'll remember their faces. This particular guy first came into the store, back in February. Right about the time things were getting started between me and Javier. He's got some really cool tats, sleeved up his arms. I remember checking them out, and asking him - as I tend to ask others - "Where'd you get those done?"

"In the pen," was his answer, as he looked at me, embarrassed.

I had looked him over carefully. A young Hispanic guy, probably around Javier's age. Not the tough-guy look one would expect from someone who had been in the pen. Whatever he'd been in for, he'd done his time. And had apparently learned his lesson. Those were not the eyes of a bad person. They were the eyes of one who'd learned from his mistakes, and was still being punished by society. He looked like he expected me to back off, when he said that. I gave him a warm smile, then joked, "Well, I don't think I want to go THERE, to get any tats done."

He laughed.

The next time he came in, I looked his tats over again. "You know, you should get those colored in. I'll bet they'll look even cooler."

He gave me a shy smile. "I'm always working. I never have time."

That became our joke, every time he came in. I always picked on him about not getting some color in those tats. And I let him know I don't judge him. I've never asked what he was in for. That's not really the important thing. We've all done things we regret, and no one's perfect. When I was on days, he started coming in there on my shift. One day, I joked with him about not coloring the tats and he gave me a shy grin. "I'll get it done. For you."

He came in around mid-July, one morning. He stood there, after his purchase, and just looked at me. "You married?" he asked, out of the blue.

"Nah, divorced," I said, not really thinking about it.

He stood there, glancing up at me shyly. "Kids?"

So I told him about Sedona. And we chatted a little.

"Boyfriend?"

I thought on that one, for a moment, before answering. I had stopped seeing Javier, at that point. I was in love with Samuel, but knew I couldn't have him. Finally, I said, "No, not really."

He nodded. "Single and ready to mingle, huh?"

I laughed. "Sometimes."

He looked at me nervously. Then headed on out. That was the last I saw of him, until Saturday night.

I looked up and there he stood, grinning at me. "Well, hey there! I haven't seen you in quite a while!"

"Yeah, I know."

"Where've you been?"

He shrugged. "I been out of town."

I grinned at him. "I thought you ran out on me!" He only smiled. I eyed his arms. "HMM. Still no color on those tats."

He grinned at me. "Haven't had the time."

He kept watching me, as he paid for his purchase. But then walked on out the door. I just smiled. A few moments later, he came right back in. This time, he wasn't buying anything. He just stood there, looking at me, like he wanted to say something. I gave him a conversation starter. I talked about the kittens and pups. Then I told him about the kittens I plan to give away. "So, if you know anyone who will be wanting kittens, here in a couple months, let me know."

He'd already turned toward the door, and was about to leave. "I'll see what I can find out," he said. Then he stopped at the door, and turned. He had this sly grin. "So how do I get in touch with you? You know, if I find someone who wants a kitten."

Without really thinking about it, I picked up one of the little paper sacks. I wrote my name and phone number. Then I remembered, "Oh, wait. I don't have any minutes on my phone, right now." And I gave him Sedona's number, as a backup.

He looked at the paper, and turned toward the door, clutching it protectively in his hand. "I'll call you," he said with a smile. Then he looked at me, with this worried expression. "Is it cool, if I call you? Even just for the hell of it?"

That was the moment it hit me. DUH! He wasn't interested in finding a home for the kittens. He was trying to get my phone number! I stared at him, realizing he'd just tricked me into giving him my number. And yet I didn't feel upset. I suddenly realized he'd been trying to figure out how to ask me out, for a long time. Then I grinned at him, remembering the promise I'd made to myself. "Yeah, you can call me, anytime you want. In fact, do you use Yahoo Messenger?"

He smiled. "I can."

I wrote my email address on the bag, too. "Email me."

He smiled. "When you gettin' minutes back on your phone?"

"As soon as I can," I answered, handing the paper back to him. "You know, I don't even know your name. You been comin' in here, what 6 months?"

He grinned. "Yeah, it's been 6 months. My name's Eric."

"Eric." I smiled. I pointed to my nametag. "You've had an advantage over me."

He laughed, as he was leaving. Then looked at me, holding up the paper. "I'll call you."

I nodded. "Okay."

When Samuel passed by the store, that night without stopping, slowing down, or acknowledging me at all, it didn't really seem to bother me. And I realized, even if I don't end up leaving Lake Conroe Exxon, I can still move on. The realization that I could open myself to other possibilities told me I was finally really letting Samuel go.