Life with a Toddler

As you sit here reading this you may have a small person stumbling around your home holloring beligerintly though uninteligibly, perhaps clutching a wooden spoon in one hand and your cell phone in the other, all whilst chasing the cat. Or perhaps said little person is passed out asleep in teh center of a pile of Duplo blocks on your livingroom floor with his butt sticking straight up in the air, a puddle of drool under his face and donut mashed into his hair creating a surreal semi-mohawk look. You must ask yourself one of two questions at this point: Either 1) Holy crap, when did I become the parent of a TODDLER??? Or 2) Hey! How the heck did that drunk midget get into my house???
To allieviate any further confusion I have compiled a helpful list to assist you in realizing wether you ought to call the police to come and haul off that midget or if you need to just come to terms with the fact that you are INDEED teh parent of a toddler.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE THE PARENT OF A TODDLER WHEN:
1) There's a matchbox car parked next to the butter in your fridge.
2) There is a nude Barbie floating in your toilet which your daughter informs you is now actually a hot tub.
3) You have used the phrase "Stop licking the dog!"
4) Every piece of silverware in your house is now residing in the toybox.
5) You have a whole song and dance routine for anytime your child uses the potty
6) You are driving down the road singing along to the Wiggles cd at the top of your lungs...and your child isn't even in the car.
7) You can't get the Backyardigans theme song out of your head even though you are in the middle of having sex with your spouse.
8) You find yourself having to say goodnight to every inanimate object in your home before your child will go to bed.
9) You know what becomes of milk whne you leave it in a sippy cup hidden under the couch for a month straight.
10) You have ever ordered "Pa-sgetti" at a restaurant.
11) In your purse or pocket right now is a crumpled up used tissue, a matchbox car, a barbie shoe and two legos.
12) You have ever instinctivly caught puke in your hand without even batting an eye.
13) You climb into bed at night and hear Elmo"s shrill voice because you have accidentally laid on top of your child's Tickle Me Elmo doll
14) Your child asks for more goldfish crackers and you tell her to eat the ones off the floor first.
15) You say things like "No, no, we don't pick our nose!" as if you also were digging away in there.
16) You don't have a clue about politics or the new movies coming out but you can name every Sesame Street character.
17) You know where every public restroom is in your town.
18) YOu begin to consider ketchup could pass as a vegetable when you watch your child eat it by the forkful.
19) The dog is starving to death because SOMEBODY keeps eating his food.
20) You have ever found a turd in an odd place like inside a bowl in the toy kitchen set or in the back of a tonka dump truck.
21) You have had to crawl under the pew at church to drag a screaming shoeless toddler out from beneath the skirt of an elderly lady.
22) There is Sharpie permanent marker scribbles on your computer monitor.
23) You have ever had to attempt to wash nailpolish off of your child's face.
24) The garbadge trucks arrival is a HUGE event. So is the mailman's.
25) You have had to ask the cable guy to please wave bye bye because if he doesn't you know there will be a tantrum.
26) You have ever left a full cart of groceries in the middle of the grocery store.
27) You have to load the dishwasher one handed while holding your toddler at bay who keeps wanting to climb in and retrieve all of the dirty dishes back out in his attempt to "help."
28) You discover a box of tampons can keep a child occupied for at least twenty minutes
29) You have had to put a toy in time out on top of the fridge.
30) You have taken to sneaking candy bars at midnight. In bed. Under the covers. And someone STILL hears you.
31) Your food on your plate does not belong to you anymore.
32) There has ever been a flood in your bathroom, complete with bubbles and rubber duckie floating by.
33)Before inserting a video into your VCR you must first remove a cd, a sock and a gum wrapper
34) There is no longer an s key on your keyboard.
35) You can't take a shower without someone asking "whats dat?" and poking you in your privates.
36) You can't pee without seeing little fingers reaching under the door and hearing a voice calling out through the crack "Mommy...you in daer?"
37) You have ever had to pee while holding a child on your lap.
38) Washing her hair in the tub becomes an Olympic event. One in which you somehow end up wetter than she does.
39) Youre child is covered in 14 bandaids....but he doesn't have a single boo boo.
40) You have ever referred to it as a boo boo in front of your adult friends.
41) You have ever informed a co worker you need to go potty.
42) You have to remove polly pockets from your shoes before you can put them on.
43) Your child has just eaten a french fry out of his car seat...and for the life of you you cannot recall the last time you even went to McDonalds.
44) Silence in your home strikes fear in your heart.

So, in closing, I do hope that this has cleared up any confusion you may hav ehad up until now. If it turns out that little person is simply an intoxicated midget who has wandered in and will not leave than I hope for your benefit the police will arrive in a timely manner. If on the other hand you find you truly are the parent of a toddler....well, God bless ya. Keep in mind that "this too shall pass". They will not be toddlers forever. Someday they will be teenagers.