Life's Challenges: Is it Supposed to Be This Hard?

I first need to tell you that I am by no means an expert on the subject of letting go. In fact, letting go is one of the hardest things for me. I find it so interesting when I get a glimmer of an insight into what makes me tick. I think most of us wander through our lives in complete oblivion to who we are. Why do we do the things we do? Yesterday, my husband needed me to leave work and pick him up. I needed to give him a ride home from work because we only have one car. He asked me to skip the rest of my work day and play with him. I said no. When he asked why, I answered, "because I have to work. I can't stay home." Then I thought to myself why do I "have" to. What would happen if I simply did not go back. I considered myself then. What are the things in my life that make me chose one action over another? I am often on the fringe of doing what's right. I want to do what's wrong usually, but generally I am afraid of the consequences. Don't get me wrong. I truly enjoy being bad and have pulled some pretty good stunts in my time. But confrontation scares me.

Anyway, I digress. My purpose here was talking about letting go. I need to learn this monumental skill. I have a daughter who will be moving on with her life very soon. I'm struggling miserably in dealing with this. I think of myself as a resourceful, intelligent person. I am by no means helpless. But, I simply can't let go. Losing people terrifies me. I lost my father when I was a child. My parents divorced when I was around 10 years old. He wasn't ever there for me as a father again. We speak and we say I love you, but there is no relationship whatsoever. I certainly would never confide anything in him or ask him for his advice. I feel awkward mostly. I lost my mother 5 years ago. I love her with all my heart and miss her so much. I learned a lot about myself when she passed. I used to think I was a strong person. I was wrong. When she left, I went into a six-month depression. I couldn't work, I couldn't care for my child, and I became homeless. I found out I was weak. It takes all the strength I have to visit her grave, which I have only done a hand full of times. It is just too hard to look at those hateful words carved into a cold gray stone. I don't feel her there and it only reminds me she's gone. Now I'm terrified to lose anyone else. I'm afraid my husband will die, I'm afraid my grown daughter will leave and not need me anymore. I'm afraid I'll be alone. Being needed is what makes me feel whole. What if no one needs me? Who will I be?

I believe in true reflection. I really want to know what makes me tick. Only when I understand the reasons for my behavior do I stand a chance of overcoming my shortfalls. The tough part is getting true reflection. I believe this often takes professional assistance. Have you heard the phrase "can't see the forest for the trees?" I so get that. When I am in the midst of crisis I can't see anything but the swirling mess. A clear picture of the situation eludes me.

I need to apologize once again. I seem to be rambling. But, I find it mollifying to let it all flow. And I so appreciate the audience. So the first step in letting go is, of course, true reflection. I'm working on that. I guess we all will be our whole lives. Once I know what life experiences have formed my fear of letting go I will move onto the second step, which will be healing my wounded soul. So now I have identified the first two steps. Once it becomes clear to me why I fear letting go of the people I love, I will seek out the ways to heal. I so look forward to being in a place of healing. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I look forward to being able to make decisions about the direction of my life without going into a panic with a perceived feeling that I am abandoning those I love. My fear of abandonment is so strong that I assume they feel the same way. I am forever is a desperate panic trying to ensure that no one feels left alone. Huh, that was a new revelation right there. See, my guide is already proving effective! The fear of being alone is my own. I have easily identified that before but, I never realized I was projecting that fear onto my family.

Everyone has dysfunction. There is no shame in it. My hope is that you are brave enough to take a clear honest look at yourself. Maybe there is nothing in you that you want to change, lucky you. As for me, I have some work to do...