Limits & Boundaries: Story of a 12-Step Program

"If it were not so important, there wouldn't be so many people talking about it!" Or, more to the point: "If it weren't such a problem, there wouldn't be so many people talking about it!"

A few years ago I knew a girl who had had the need, and fortunately had found, a 12-Step Program at a relatively-young age. She had parents, siblings, a husband, small children, and friends; and she told me she needed to "learn more about Limits and Boundaries." One can find this subject as a frequent focus in "self-help" books, with mental health professionals, and in 12-Step Programs-- the logical question would be "Why?" and the obvious answer is because some people simply have a much more difficult time "getting it" than others, and some never "get it" at all.

The main points of Limits and Boundaries can be described as 1. what is and is not Acceptable; and 2. the difference between what is "yours" and what is "mine." Unfortunately, many people find it difficult to establish and enforce such boundaries of their own, others either cannot or will not respect the boundaries of other people; and, the most unfortunate, as well as being the most difficult to deal with, are those who, for one reason or another, refuse to acknowledge that limits and boundaries even exist.

Some of the factors which render a person more likely to have problems with this subject are those who live in geographical locales where boundaries are not taken seriously; those of differing socioeconomic classes who do not see boundaries as existing; those with a history of substance dependencies; and those who were not adequately socialized when they were children. Adding any or all of these factors together is a recipe for disaster-- resulting in individuals who cannot readily see the difference between what is and is not acceptable, or the difference between what is yours and what is theirs. Some of the 12-Step literature uses the term "self-seeking"-- referring to those who place their own ego and their own selfish "wants" not only above but with total disregard for the needs, feelings, and rights of other people.

Most average middle-class people do not have such "issues"-- first socialized within the context of family in early childhood, and then with school and the community, limits and boundaries are merely an ingrained part of and way life: long before individuals become adults, they already know these things-- that one's home is not a public building for others to admit themselves into whenever they choose, that one's personal possessions are not up for others helping themselves to without asking, that one's personal business is one's own personal business, that one's body is not to be touched against one's will, that someone else's behavior or actions harming another person is "not o.k.," etc.-- these are nothing more nor less than basic facts-of-life which most people are aware of long before they complete elementary school.

Limits and Boundaries-- why are some people deluded into believing that other people and other people's lives are "up for grabs," and that there either isn't or should not be any deciding line between what is and is not acceptable? In addition to the aforementioned factors, an additional and relevant note is that this is a subject on which "the 12-Step scene" does more harm than good-- for while many bring up the subject, clearly noting that it is indeed a problem, it is within the context of a situation which is gone about in the exact-opposite direction. More to the point-- actions speak louder than words.

At two very different periods of time I had experiences which were quite similar to each other. First, quite a few years ago, I wandered into a "group counseling" session-- a dozen or so people, each talking about his or her difficulties, the group's counselor giving advice and input. A little more than a year ago, I was invited into a 12-Step Meeting; mostly just sitting back and listening, I was struck by the similarity. However, while a counseling session has its purpose and benefits, the presence of a counselor who is there to offer assistance and advice is the important element; whereas with 12-Step Meetings, as the books clearly state and "program members" are even quicker to dismiss, no one present has any authority whatsoever. And in regard to what their material says about '50-year-sober' Oldtimers being no different from Newcomers, the result is that limits and boundaries do not exist-- and "heaven help" anyone who either attends meetings or interacts with its members while trying to hold onto the limits and boundaries which he or she has already long-established.

One popular Program word is "sharing"-- what this comes to mean is that one is expected to, crudely put, spill one's guts all over the table, to disclose to whatever number of other people present all of the details of one's personal life; and one is generally on the receiving-end of ridicule, accusations, and other negative treatment if unwilling to do this. Contrary to what the books say about giving this information 'to yourself, to God, and to one other person,' both the in-meetings atmosphere and the attitude of members on the outside are conducive to knocking down the boundaries that one may have, running roughshod into and over other people's lives-- and then needing "Program input" to try to "learn how to establish and enforce limits and boundaries"!

If one considers there to be a discrepancy there, it should be clear-- there are people who have the background to know what limits and boundaries are all about, respect them in other people's lives, and have the right to ours being respected; and there are those who, for one reason or another, do not get it-- and they are the ones who believe there's nothing wrong with coming into your home when you've said you don't want them there, putting their hands on you when you've said not to, demanding information about your life, taking and/or taking over whatever you have which they want; in short, this manner of viewing the subject of limits and boundaries is about violating personal dignity and personal rights.