Lindsey Lohen to Wed Polo Pony

Thomas Lane, Yahoo! Contributor Network
Oct 2, 2009 "Share your voice on Yahoo! websites. Start Here."

"It's the only way I can be truly satisfied," said Ms. Lohen, an obscure horse-breeder with a keen interest in the sport of polo. "I am continuously aggravated by the slow pace of most polo matches, due, in no small part, to the sloth of the livestock. I plan to pair my polo pony, 'Oscar,' with a thoroughbred racehorse named 'La Vista.' I am certain the Oscar-La Vista mating will produce a faster steed indeed."

This, of course, is huge. It would represent the greatest advance in the sport since Stanley Pilsudski invented the floatation balloon that put an abrupt end to the all-too-frequent equine drownings, which plagued the water polo contests in his native land. But enough horseplay. Let us get back to the topic at hand: Communism.

Communism, as all keen students of taxidermy know, was invented by Carl "Boffo" Marx, the oldest and least-comical of the Marx Brotherhood. The reason that you never see him in any of those zany Marx Brothers' movies is that he sounded a great deal like Elmer Fudd whenever he spoke. Of course, if Groucho and his ilk had thought to include a wascally wabbit in their ensemble, they might have found a very prominent place for their older brother, thereby saving the world a whole caboodle of trouble.

Spurned by Hollywood and Bollywood alike, Boffo set himself to writing and, before he knew it, cranked out the Communistic Manifestation, which is still considered the bible of socialistic kleptocracy.

It should be noted, though, that Marx was not just about smashing the state. He had his lighter side as well. When his brothers were trying to put together a script for a movie they had tentatively titled Vegetable Cookies, Boffo wrote the theme song for the show's leading man:

Huzzah for Corporal Spaulding,
Although they say he's balding,
The tea he serves is scalding.
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!

Huzzah for Corporal Spaulding,
The Austrian spelunker,
Although he drives a clunker,
He does it to annoy.

Once you have committed the above paragraphs to memory, you will know all that is necessary to know about the art of Communism, thereby allowing you to apply for a card and become a card-carrying commie. It's just as simple as that.

Say, how are we doing on the old word-count, I wonder? We should be drawing ever-closer to the hallowed 400 mark, if I do not miss my guess. What's that, 414? That's a wrap. Heck, that's a wrap with a side of onion rings. Hasty lumbago, amigos.

Published by Thomas Lane

I am a semi-retired freelance writer (willing to take on new clients). I work in local (Montgomery County, Md.) theater at the amateur and non-union level. When I don't have an onstage gig, I go to piano bar... View profile

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Take heart--it won't be Friday again for another seven days.

Lindsey Lohen to Wed Polo Pony

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