Lindy Lou's Easy Eater Neck Sling and Other Ways to Ward Off Weight Loss in Twenty Ten

Get your orange vest on, it's Diet Season. Prepare to be bombarded by Weight Watchers ads, Curves TV commercials, miracle weight loss supplements and free gym memberships. Hah! They don't know how strong you are.

Warding Off Weight Loss in Twenty Ten

Do not succumb to the temptation to go on one more diet. If you haven't figured it out by now, what makes you think 2010 will be any different, "Little" Miss River-In-Egypt?" You always were a kidder, especially when it comes to kidding yourself. You're not going to go ahead, count the calories, eschew (not chew) the carbs, and fight the fat on more time? Are you? I didn't think so.

Resist that urge... to exercise.

You must be prepared. If you do feel an urge to exercise, lift weights, or even walk to the mailbox when you have a perfectly good car sitting in the driveway, stop and think. Isn't there something in the house you haven't eaten? If not, get in the car and go do the fast food circuit. You know very well which is more fattening: A Blizzard or a Shake. So go get a couple. You can afford more than one of those dollar menu double decker bun and goowiches, so go thou and do likewise. And fries? Aren' t you getting sick of them? You need variety, chubbycheeks. Somebody has cheese fries. Somebody has onion rings. And all available through a window so you don't have to waddle in to the actual eatery. Just reach up with those hefty arms and grab the goodies.

Make every day buffet day.

And speaking of eateries, no more nice restaurants with their "Big Salads." And skinny waitresses who roll their eyes when you order. You idiot, there are buffets out there just waiting for you to plunder them. Chinese buffets are good in a pinch, but those big country style troughs are where you can really pile it on. Not just fried everything, pastries galore and potatoes au grabbem, but a sea of desserts and machines that squirt chocolate ice cream right in your face if you want, although a bowl is more efficient. Don't panic if you can't get it all on one tray. Stack em up as high as you dare, and remember, you can keep coming back for more until they run out of clean dishes.

Homebound gluttony.

But what about the homebound glutton? If you're stuck inside four walls, first send out for reinforcements. Call Calories-2-Your-Door or somebody. Order ice cream, pizza, and day old birthday cake (such a deal you can get!) Bring in candy bars, syrups, cake mixes you can dump in a pan. Pasta of course, and cheese. Butter and bread crumbs, so you can make anything fattening, whether it started out that way or not.

Eater's idea of the century: The Easy Eater Neck Sling.

Now Lindy Lou is going to give you the eater's idea of the century: The Easy Eater Neck Sling. This will cut your trips to the kitchen in half. Because there are rooms in the house where there is not always a ready supply of empty calories, the Easy Eater Neck Sling is a necessity.

Improvise: Make Your Own Easy Eater Neck Sling.

If you don't have a sling, grab a bra out of your lingerie drawer, hook it together and hang it around your neck so that the cups dangle about ten inches from your mouth, making it a hands-free trough. Now first you must balance the sling by putting things of equal weight in each cup. A pint of ice cream in one, and a syrup dispenser in the other, for example. Now fill in any gaps with leftover Christmas candy and cookies, tater tots. (Tip: Slide your extra donuts right over the neck of your syrup bottle. Be a stacker, not a slacker.) The beauty of the neck sling is that it frees your hands for sandwiches and candy bars. All loaded up? Good, now head for your favorite comfy chair, plunk 'er down, turn on Home Shopping Network, and munch a bunch without having to make a trip back to the kitchen! (Warning: Compulsive shopping can slow down your eating.)

Bedtime: The Dangers of Not Enough Night Eating.

This is the most dangerous time of the day. You're tired, you're full, and you just want to go to bed. Don't give in without a big bedtime snack. And, don't forget, even if you do manage to eat all night long, what about the wee hours? When you wake in the middle of the night, going all the way back downstairs for a snack is a ridiculous waste of time. You can train yourself to become a sleepeater by creating your own nighteater kit. Grab a box of graham crackers, a full container of instant frosting (preferably high fat) and a knife and spoon, and you're good to go. It's your new bedside best friend. At any given moment, you can turn over in bed, reach out for that can of frosting, slap an inch or two on a graham cracker, and chomp down. If you can't manage that, just stick the spoon in the frosting, and scoop out a big dollop of gooey sugarfat and swallow. .

Night Eating and Bed Partners.

I know, I know, you're always thinking of others. How will your sleepmate react to you waking and eating in the night? Is it fair to disturb him/her with the crinkling sound of the graham cracker wrapper? Perhaps not, you goodhearted soul. Unwrap all crackers and open all containers before succumbing to the sandman. And if you feel you must share, bring an extra spoon upstairs with you.

Soon you'll be proud to wear your new XXXXXL nightshirt that reads "Gain a Ton in Twenty Ten."