Lip Service

* When you're finished leaving your message, you may hang up.

* US Postal Service Considering Price Increase

* Do not use this hair dryer while sleeping.

* After cooking, contents may be hot.

* Microsoft Discovers Bug In Operating System

* Do not eat printer toner.

* Caution: Knives may be sharp.

* Bones Discovered In Cemetery

* Do not drive huge armored earth-moving machines after taking these sleeping pills.

* Unfortunately, Congress underestimated the program's cost.

THINGS YOU NEVER WANT TO HEAR

* Oh, heck no. Those are mutant Burmese termites. They aren't covered by your policy.

* Local Minister Donates Church Building Fund To Gothic Vampire Rock Group

* Mom! Grandpa and the ferret got arrested at the strip club again!

* I'm sorry, ma'am. I don't know your balance. Something seems to be amiss with your "Madoff" account.

* China Completes Secret Land Bridge: 800 Million New Lunch Buffets Open In Long Beach

* Welcome to the Department of Motor Vehicles! Now, let's have a look at that lung.

* Say hello to my little friend!

* President's Holiday Hot Dog Picnic Hits Diplomatic Snag When Iranian Embassy Realizes They've Been Served Pork: Obama Claims Oscar Meyer "Acted Stupidly"

* Lady, I just work here. It says you're dead. Can you prove you're not dead?

* He drove the car into a what? Well, I don't believe your insurance covers that.

* Sir, any comment for our readers on your being named a "Cute Benefactor" in Michael Jackson's will?

* South Carolina Governor Documents Personal Peccadilloes In 6-Hour Interpretive Dance Video

* Whoa! What the heck is THAT? Nurse Jill, google "giant elbow lump with teeth." STAT!

* New Presidential Directive Requires Legal Citizens And Illegal Aliens To Swap Credit Scores

* Dad, Mom - meet my fiancée, Carlos the Skunk!

* Whew. That's some toxic leak you got there, mister.

* Oh, we're just gettin' started! I took thousands of pictures during our Hollywood tour of Celebrity Bathrooms!

* Supreme Court Rules On Newly-Discovered "Diagnosis And Diaspora" Healthcare Clause: All East Coast Jews Must Relocate To Babylon, NY

* Sir, I'm Special Agent Smith. Is this your wife?

* To continue in English, press ... um ... press ... I'm sorry, but we no longer offer customer service in English.

THINGS YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO HEAR

* Earlier today, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs issued a complete sentence. Obviously, however, this obviously cannot be, um, cannot in this context be, um, I think, won't.

* Treasury Announces Surplus: No Taxes To Be Collected This Year

* Ivy League Regents Embrace Creation Theory

* FoxNews Hires Senator Harry Reid As "Fairness Doctrine" Advocate

* Jane Fonda Elopes With Rush Limbaugh

* National Public Radio Goes Three Full Days Without Fundraising Drive

* No worries, folks. At this university, we're dedicated to girding your child in solid Christian ethics and the original constructionist rudiments of the US Constitution.

* British Pub Menu Sweeps International Culinary Honors

* Cable Company Announces Additional Channels Without Attendant Cost Increase

* Valiant French Army Repels Invasion

* Nancy Pelosi Apologizes For Wasting Taxpayer Dollars: Announces Plans To Drive Herself To Her Private Plane

* PTA Endorses New Children's Book By Howard Stern

* Joe Biden Enters Second Week Without Uttering Public Gaffes

* Bill Clinton Takes Vows: Enters Monastic Order

* Joint Session Of Congress Signs "We Didn't Come Here Just To Get Re-Elected" Pledge

* President Slams ACORN For Questionable Voter Registration Practices

* Today, the President, all members of Congress, the Supreme Court, all Governors, the media, and every American citizen agreed on something.

* Sarah Palin Honored At National Press Club Dinner