Lisa Nowak "Apologizes" to Romantic Rival in "Astro-nut" Love Triangle

Back in February, I believe it was, the internet and late night comedians were abuzz with the delicious story of former Astronaut Lisa Nowak. It seems Ms. Nowak took a little drive from Houston, TX to Orlando, FL. A drive in which she reportedly wore a diaper to avoid having to stop the car to go to the restroom, such was her haste to stalk/confront her rival for the affections of a male Astronaut, William Oefeline. Is it just me or is this whole thing the funniest news story of the year thus far? Depends.

As most of you recall, Nowak was captured at the Orlando airport with a garbage bag loaded with such items as pepper spray, directions to her rival, Colleen Shipman's residence, a steel mallet and other menacing tools. I even wrote a satirical article about the situation entitled Depends to Unveil New Ad Campaign. (Shameless plug). Now comes the word that Lisa Nowak, the former Lisa Caputo of Rockville, MD, is attempting to make amends with Shipman by issuing a politician-like weasel-worded sort of apology. Now that her career as an "astro-nut" is kaput-o. This story is the "gift that just keeps on giving".

Nowak spent much of her time at the hearing of last Friday, Aug. 24 whining about the GPS device she has been forced to wear for the last 7 months and its' $105 a week price tag, shortly after the non-apology apology to Ms. Shipman. Lisa Nowak promised to leave Shipman alone if the device is removed. My response: make the most of it babycakes. If you haven't taken up golf, do so. That GPS device could come in handy in figuring your yardage to the green. You could turn your attention, now that you're available, to one O.J. Simpson. Help him find the "real killer(s). After all, the poor guy has been looking on every golf course in Florida for years now. You may even get some tips from Lindsay Lohan on working around GPS devices.

Drop on down to that course in Venice, FL and take OJ to the course where the guy was attacked by an alligator, as written about by yours truly in an article entitled Man Attacked by Alligator On Florida Golf Course. Another shameless plug. Tell him you are testing a waterproof golfball and encourage him to tin cup his tee shot into the drink on the Par 3 6th hole. Then tell him to ignore that "Beware the Alligators" sign and reach in to fetch the ball. It's a Pro-V1 for goshsakes. He could tell the scorekeeper "I didn't cheat, but if I did, here's how I would have done it". With any luck, the gator will appear. Just be aware that if the gator dies from food poisoning, they are an endangered species, and you could both be held liable.

Lisa Nowak's attorney, Donald Lykkebak, could even come up with a great line. "If the diaper don't fit, you don't have $#it". What a great name for a lawyer, by the way, assuming it's pronounced Lie-cuh back. Close to 'kickback' ,too. Anyway, Lisa Nowak's lawyer proclaimed earlier that the diaper story was "the biggest lie in this whole preposterous tale". "What she did was spray her (Shipman) with pepper spray" according to Lykkebak. Really. Then to whom did the 3 dirty diapers found in Nowak's possession belong to? Orlando detective William Becton reported finding them in a garbage bag in Nowak's vehicle. And has Lykkebak ever been sprayed with pepper spray? Maybe the OPD could give him a demonstration since he seems to believe it's no big deal.

Maybe Lykkebak could steal a page from Johnny Cochran (apologies to former FL Congressman Mark Foley, no, not really), and claim that Becton, like Mark Fuhrman, planted evidence. Yes, that's the ticket as Jon Lovitz used to say on SNL before telling a whopper.The diaper, like OJ's glove, was planted!

A while back on one of the network morning shows, some shrink weighed in on Lisa Nowak, intoning that Nowak had some underlying "unresolved issues". You don't say?!!! You can't get anything past that guy, a Dr. Keith Ablow. Is that pronounced Ab-low or A-Blow? I know which would be more appropriate, given that "expert opinion". What names in this case. You just can't make up stuff this good. Colleen Shipman's attorney's name is Kepler Funk. Funk as in a urine-soaked diaper that has been enclosed in a garbage bag in an enclosed vehicle for days. And Jerry Seinfeld thought BO in a car was bad.

To sum up, since Lisa Nowak hails from Rockville, MD, I am reminded of a line from the REM song from the 80's, "Don't go back to Rockville": "going to a place so far away and if that's not enough, going where nobody says hello, they don't talk to anybody they don't know, don't go back to Rockville and waste another year". It's only appropriate that that song is on a CD entitled "Reckoning". I have a feeling there is going to be one of those for Lisa Nowak and I doubt if she will show her face in her old hometown anytime soon.