Listening is the Secret to Building Relationships

Listening seems to be a lost art. It should be so easy; close your mouth and pay attention to what the other person is saying. If we all agree on the importance of good communication, why are so many people lacking in such an important practice as listening.

Whether in business or in our private lives, listening is a critical part of building successful relationships. Fortunately, learning to listen is a skill that can be developed with a little effort.

The Communication Process

Many people tend to put all of the responsibility for good communication on the speaker. In reality, the speaker is only one-half of the process. While it is the speaker's responsibility to try to relay the message as clearly as possible, it is the listener's responsibility to make sure they truly understand the message.

In order to understand fully what is being communicated, it is important to focus on what is being said, actively listen, and to listen with an open mind. If things are unclear, you need to ask questions until you do understand.

Increasing you concentration

One key to improving your ability to listen is to stay focused on the speaker. Too often, our attention drifts when someone is speaking to us. We notice things around us, we watch people walking by, or we just allow our minds to drift. Once our attention leaves the person speaking, we're no longer able to fully hear and comprehend what the person is saying to us.

Experts agree that practicing active listening is the best way to increase your ability to stay focused on the person speaking. As you listen, form a couple of open-ended questions in your mind. As you are listening, look for answers to your questions.

Another good practice for active listening is to stop what you're doing and make eye contact with the speaker. Resist the urge to allow your eyes to scan the room. Put down whatever you're working on. Stop checking emails. Look at the person doing the talking, and really pay attention to what they are saying.

Listening to Reply

For some people, their reply is the most important part of any conversation. When anyone is speaking to them, they spend the time forming their response. Instead of listening for the content of the conversation, they're listening for a break so they can jump in with their opinion. This is very similar to letting your mind wander. Once you stop actively paying attention, you begin to miss important pieces of information.

Most speakers have a speech/thought gap when they talk. Periodically they will take a slight pause in what they are saying in order to formulate what they will say next. It's a chance for their brain to catch up with their mouth. Unfortunately, those who are waiting for a chance to jump in will take that pause as an invitation to speak, even though the original speaker was not through.

Interrupting a speaker leads to frustration, and further communication breakdown. The person interrupted often times will concentrate more on what they feel was rude behavior, and they aren't really listening to what is being said. Either they sulk about the interruption, or they begin listening for a break so they can jump back in to finish what they were saying.

Keep an Open Mind

Listening means much more than merely keeping your mouth closed while the other person speaks. It means actively attempting to learn the meaning behind what the person is saying. It's important to remember that we really don't know what the other person is going to say before they speak. If we take that approach, we open ourselves up to the possibility of missing what is really being said, or not said. We have to listen with an open mind.

One big misconception is that keeping an open mind means disregarding what we hold to be true for the sake of the other person's opinion. It doesn't. What it does mean is that you should openly listen to the other person's opinion, and look for areas where you can agree. It means being open to the possibility that at least some of what the other person is saying might be true.

Many times if we stop and really listen to the person's argument, we find that we are really debating two sides of the same coin. We arrive at the same place; we just take different routes getting there.

One big enemy of open minded listening is being on the defensive. It is human nature that when we feel like we're under attack to put up our defenses. Some topics will automatically cause you to raise those defenses. If you know what will push your "hot buttons" you'll be better able to control your impulse to defend yourself, and will be more able to listen to what is being said.

There's an old saying that God gave us two ears and only one mouth because we're supposed to listen twice as much as we speak. While this isn't necessarily true, it does point out the importance of listening.