Little Known Facts About Father's Day

Few men on this planet are better qualified to talk about Father's Day than yours truly. After all, I was raised by a father, currently am a father, and have spawned a father. Who else can say that?

[Editor's Note: If the previous paragraph sounds vaguely familiar, the author copied and pasted the first paragraph from his article "Little Known Facts About Mother's Day" and merely changed some of the words to make it apply to Father's Day. As usual, he is drunk and lazy. In keeping with his "Who give's a crap?" attitude, I have done the same thing, copying and pasting the same Editor's Note I posted following the opening paragraph of the Mother's Day article. Here it is...]

[Editor's Note: Statistics show that millions of men can make the same claim. Just pretend the author of this article has special insight into the subject. He's an idiot, but he's also a big baby who pouts when anyone points out that he's wrong. Humor the dumbass.]

Oh crap! I see the editor is onto my little game, so I'd better come up with something original here...

When it comes to the subject of Father's Day, I am an absolute fountain of information. For instance, did you know that Father's Day is always the third Sunday after the first full moon of June in odd numbered years? In even numbered years, it's around that same time, but if it's a leap year you add a week or two, then subtract the number of days since the last full moon, then add one hour-or some weird shit like that-I can't remember. But the point is, I'm here to make sure you know that once June rolls around, you'd better go out and get Dad something and give it to him on a Sunday. Don't worry if you have the wrong Sunday. Dad's a doddering, old idiot who doesn't even know that he crapped his pants.

See, we haven't gotten to the first little known fact yet and already you've learned something!

Little Known Fact #1

Children of same-sex parents have to either buy twice as many Father's Day gifts or none at all.

Little Known Fact #2

In Kentucky, Mother's Day and Father's Day are actually called "My Daddy's Sister's Day" and "My Mama's Brother's Day" respectively.

[Editor's Note: The idiot is at it again. Little Known Fact #2 was lifted word-for-word from his "Little Known Facts About Mother's Day" article. Word-for-word! The dumbass is plagiarizing himself! The only difference is that in the Mother's Day article it was Little Known Fact #6. As if that was going to throw me off! I apologize.]

Little Known Fact #3

Little Known Fact #2 is word-for-word the same as Little Known Fact #6 from my "Little Known Facts About Mother's Day" article.

Little Known Fact #4

Important Date in History: June 16, 1185 would have been Father's Day had it existed back then.

Little Known Fact #5

Your dad isn't really your dad. Nine months before you were born, your dad was overseas risking his life fighting for our country while your slutty mom was at a wild bachelorette party, getting bombed out of her head, and waking up in a hotel room with a male stripper. Luckily, math was never your dad's strong point.

[Editor's Note: I apologize for the author's implications that the man you have been calling "Dad" all your life isn't really your father. There is absolutely no proof Little Known Fact #5 is at all accurate-or at least the part where your slutty mom woke up with a male stripper. Some witnesses claim there were two male strippers and a hotel busboy. I suggest a DNA test to determine who your father really is.]

Little Known Fact #6

All your dad really wants for Father's Day is your girlfriend.

Little Known Fact #7

In 1972, President Richard Nixon signed Father's Day into law as a national holiday.

[Editor's Note: Believe it or not, Little Known Fact #7 is indeed factual! I am flabbergasted! The idiot actually got one right! But I guess even a fat man finds his dick every once in a while.]

Little Known Fact #8

Sonora Smart Dodd is credited with originating Father's Day, which was first celebrated on June 19, 1910.

[Editor's Note: My God, he did it again! This is unbelievable! He may have actually put together an article that truly is informative. I don't know what to say! Could I have been wrong about him?]

Little Known Fact #9

Unbeknownst to him, the editor is not the biological father of any of his children. I've been doing his wife for years and she's quite certain I'm the father. She doesn't have the heart to tell him, so I'll do it for her.

Hey Mr. Editor! When your "kids" give you your Father's Day gifts this year, you can just run upstairs to your bedroom and deliver them to me. I'll be the one on top of your wife.

[Editor's Note: What a dick!]