Little Known Facts About Halloween

Every October 31^st I throw on a wig, cover my face in makeup, toss on a short, red dress, black fishnet stockings, and red pumps, and then walk up and down my neighborhood. I also do that all the other days of the year, but it's especially fun on October 31^st because people give me candy-and I love candy!

The reason people give me candy on that day is because it's Halloween-my second favorite October holiday! Sweetest Day is my favorite October holiday because my wife and I don't celebrate it, which means I don't have to remember when the hell it is and I don't have to buy her anything. I love holidays like that.

But I also love Halloween and over the years I have become quite an expert on this fun holiday, and because of that, many people turn to me for information. For instance the other day-as I did my nightly walk through the neighborhood in my red dress-a guy pulled up in his car and asked me, "How much for oral sex?" I told him I usually pay fifty bucks and he drove away with a confused look on his face.

But there's lots of other information about Halloween spilling from my brain. So to educate you the uneducated, I have compiled a number of little known facts about the holiday most responsible for America being overrun with overweight, hyper, obnoxious kids who grow up to be fat, lazy, insufferable teens and eventually morbidly obese, dead adults. Enjoy!

Little Known Fact #1

The word "Halloween" comes from the Latin "Hallocus Weenum," which means "Oh crap, another popcorn ball. I hate those goddamn popcorn balls!"

Little Known Fact #2

Back in medieval times, October 31^st marked a day that men would dress in dark, hooded robes and go door-to-door raping women. The fact that it was Halloween had nothing to do with it because back in medieval times men dressing in dark, hooded robes and going door-to-door raping women was an everyday occurrence.

Little Known Fact #3

In Appalachia people who answer the door on Halloween are usually frightened out of their wits by the hideous faces of little trick-or-treaters with blackened teeth, enormous ears, and crossed eyes. It's a shame families in that part of the country can't afford costumes.

Little Known Fact #4

Despite the way he was depicted in film, Michael Myers was really a misunderstood young man with a few anger management issues.

Little Known Fact #5

Several years ago, a movement by one do-gooder health expert in California encouraging people to hand out raw carrots and celery to kids on Halloween ended when she was stabbed to death by a bunch of kids while attempting to hand out raw carrots and celery to them on Halloween.

Little Known Fact #6

In spite of their bad reputations, pedophiles are known to give out the best candy.

Little Known Fact #7

Important date - October 31, 1886: Upon discovering the words "Chop off your dick or a tootsie roll-your call!" resulted in few opened doors, America's youth decided to go with the far less threatening phrase of "Trick or treat!"

Little Known Fact #8

Once word got around the neighborhood of his amazing slight-of-hand trickery, poor little David Copperfield rarely received many Halloween treats.

Little Known Fact #9

In Poland Halloween is celebrated on March 12^th. Nobody knows why.

Little Known Fact #10

Before letting their children enjoy the fruits of their labor, parents are encouraged to thoroughly inspect their kids' candy collections for razor blades or any other evidence of tampering. Because of this practice, it is believed no child under the age of twelve has ever tasted a Snickers bar.

Little Known Fact #11

The slimy crap found inside of a pumpkin is disgusting and makes me want to puke.

Little Known Fact #12

Due to its pagan roots, some parents don't allow their kids to engage in the fun and revelry of Halloween. Some parents are real stupid.

Little Known Fact #13

This is guaranteed to send shivers down your spine: There are exactly 13 little known facts about Halloween. Spooky shit, don't you think?