Little Known Facts About Mother's Day

Few men on this planet are better qualified to talk about Mother's Day than yours truly. After all, I was raised by a mother, currently live with a mother, and have spawned a mother. Who else can say that?

[Editor's Note: Statistics show that millions of men can make the same claim. Just pretend the author of this article has special insight into the subject. He's an idiot, but he's also a big baby who pouts when anyone points out that he's wrong. Humor the dumbass.]

So as you can well imagine, people come to me all the time with questions about mothers. They ask me things like, "Are you sure your wife is the mother of your children? They seem so normal." Well, I happen to know my wife is the mother of my kids because she said so, and my wife would never lie to me. As soon as she gets home from her job at the sperm bank, you can ask her.

Anyway, keeping all this knowledge about motherhood to myself would be wrong, so I will now share with you some little known facts about the one day each year you give thanks to the woman your dad got drunk that special night roughly nine months before your ugly head popped out and took its first, deep breath and you became a burden that drove her to heavy drinking and periodic trips to rehab.

Little Known Fact #1

The original plan was for a Mother's Week, not Day, but it was determined that an entire week of Mom doing nothing and Dad cleaning, making meals, and tending to the kids may result in dead children. The plan was scrapped and so now Mom only has to clean up a day's worth of crap Dad forgot about because he fell asleep drunk in his recliner while watching ESPN.

Little Known Fact #2

The first ever Mother's Day present: Cain and Abel gave their mother Eve a one-year subscription to Better Homes and Gardens and a copy of the Holy Bible, which at that time was roughly six pages long.

Little Known Fact #3

The most extreme Mother's Day gift ever: Oedipus presented his mother with the dead body of his father then married his widowed mother. Pretty sick shit indeed, but you must remember that the young man did suffer from Oedipus complex-a rare disease discovered by Sigmund Freud in which the vowel combination of "oe" is pronounced "ĕ."

Little Known Fact #4

Your mother hates you.

[Editor's Note: We apologize for the insensitive statement made by the author in Little Known Fact #4. It is completely inappropriate and by no means reflects the publisher's attitude towards you. The author is a sick, demented individual who delights in playing with the minds of his readers. He has absolutely no proof that your mother hates you. Although he did receive a 3:00 am phone call from her a few days ago. She had clearly been drinking and with slurred speech, talked of how "that goddamn bastard ruined my life. I coulda been a model, but the little SOB left me with hideous stretch marks, and so I ended up being nothing more than a crack whore." So maybe the author is onto something.]

Little Known Fact #5

Across the pond in Jolly Old England, a fanny pack would not be an appropriate Mother's Day gift. It would, however, make a terrific Father's Day gift. Dad would forever be grateful.

[Editor's Note: Thanks Morag for educating the author on British slang.]

Little Known Fact #6

In Kentucky, Mother's Day and Father's Day are actually called "My Daddy's Sister's Day" and "My Mama's Brother's Day" respectively.

[Editor's Note: We apologize to residents of "The Bluegrass State" for the implications of incest made by the author in Little Known Fact #6. We by no means believe people in Kentucky engage in such acts. Tennessee? Sure, but not Kentucky.]

Little Known Fact #7

After hearing constant rumors of Mary's virginity, Jesus spent many years and lots of money searching for his actual birth mother. Sadly, he died before ever discovering her true identity: platinum-selling recording artist Madonna. Racked with guilt over abandoning her firstborn, the Grammy winner now overcompensates by speaking with a fake British accent and randomly adopting African children.

Little Known Fact #8

Mother Teresa really wasn't a mother, nor was her real name "Teresa." She was a divorced truck driver named Dominic from Queens. The woman was a bald-faced liar and now they want to reward her with freakin' sainthood?! I don't get it! OK, from now on you can call me "Mother Gertrude." Hey everybody! Look at me-I'm a goddamn saint!

[Editor's Note: We apologize for "Mother Gertrude's" absurd attempt to tear down the accomplishments of a great woman with this ridiculous, rambling rant. The author has obviously lost all grasp with reality. Hell, he even pretends he has an editor who creates notes explaining the dumbass crap he writes, when, in fact the editor and the author are one in the same. What an idiot! ]

This Mother's Day, grab your favorite Mom, give her a big hug, and tell her you love her.