Living with ADD and Bipolar Disorder

Living with Bipolar and ADD hasn't been an easy task to achieve. I have lived with these disorders starting at a young age. The first one I had to deal with was ADD, at first never even realizing I had ADD. I never could understand why I couldn't concentrate in school. Even though I would try and do my best at times in school and even study, I just couldn't remember anything I had studied. My thoughts could never be on one thing, my mind was always going. Sometimes going faster than what I could keep up with. This made it very hard for me to achieve in school and get good grades.

ADD known as attention deficit disorder is something I had from an early age but was never diagnosed with it until adult hood. No one ever put the two together; they always thought I was just a bad child. A child who just didn't want to learn and was just a troublemaker. Being ADD I never had many friends in school because I was always paranoid. Always thinking automatically that people didn't like me or they were always talking about me. I ended up quitting school and feeling like a failure. After I quit school, I found it even harder to get a job. I didn't like being around people because of my paranoia.

Going into adult hood things got even worse as I went into depression. One day I would be happy and the next day, I would hate the world. Then when I was 20 years old I had a bad car accident that left me paralyzed. I would never be able to walk again. This really set my depression off and I became very emotional, crying about anything. Then at times I became verbally abusive and attacking anyone who was near me. That is when I couldn't take it anymore and went to see a psychologist. After talking with her a few times, she couldn't believe that no one had realize long ago that I had been dealing with Bipolar and ADD. I was put on medication to treat these problems. I was put on Zoloft, Buspar, and other medications. I thought after a while these medications were working. Then I realized it was all in my head and I just wanted them to work. I started to withdraw from others and I was feeling even more paranoid than I had before taking these medications.

I went back to my doctor and she took me off these medications and put me on Prozac. This medication really seemed to be working as I could handle being around people. I didn't mind as much being in public as I did before. After being on this medication for a while I started going back into a deep depression. My depression started getting so bad that I started contemplating suicide. I went back to the doctor but I didn't tell her about my suicidal thoughts. I told her about my depression getting worse. She prescribed me another medication and I began taking that, only to have the same thoughts. That is when I realized I needed to do something drastic, first taking myself off these medications. For me it was the medications making me have these thoughts and feeling worse. I had to find the strength in me and find happiness within myself. I began doing things I enjoyed and just doing things that made me happy. I could always tell when my mood was coming, so I began trying to control it. At first this wasn't working, I couldn't control my depression. I started back to verbally abusing others and secluding myself from others.

I had to really figure out what would set my depression off and try once again to control it. Things did start to get better as I would realize when it was coming so I would just control it. I would turn and do something I enjoyed, whether it was doing yard work or planting a flower garden. This was not easy for me but I had to force myself or I knew my life was not going to be a happy one. All I wanted was to be happy and enjoy life. I then finally found some happiness within others and myself. My depression until this day is still with me but it isn't an every day thing or even an every other day thing. My depression now only seems to come right before my menstrual cycle. This last for two days and I know when it is coming, making it easier for me to handle. Before I was going into these depression moods at least 4 times a week. Then not long ago I was hit with a disease. I was recently diagnosed with diabetes, this was not good, but I knew I had to deal with it. I couldn't allow this to set off my depression again. Until this day I still deal with ADD and being Bipolar. I know a head of time when I am going into one of my moods. Before I allow myself to let this happen I do things that make me happy. I would do yard work, go to the lake, or even go fishing; I find things to do that relax me. Doing these things have actually seemed to work for me.

I would not suggest for everyone who is suffering from ADD or Bipolar to stop taking their medications. I just know for me, taking these medications made me have thoughts that I normally wouldn't have had.