Living with Alcoholic Parents: My Experiences and Advice to Others
According to the NIAAA (National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism), an estimated 6.6 million children live in a household with at least 1 alcoholic parent. Sadly, I'm part of that number, because I was a child who grew up with an alcoholic mother.
All of my childhood years, I feel as if I grew up on my own. Of course, there were times my mother was sober, and I did have my dad to look up to most of the time, although he drank too sometimes. Those sober times were when I would enjoy being with my mom, when she would take me shopping, out to eat, and just spend time with me. However, there would be times when she would be so ridiculously drunk, I couldn't even be around her because I couldn't stand it.
As a young child, I didn't understand what was going on with her, or why she was acting like this. The problem seemed to be going on at night most of the time, or when I was just getting home from school. There would times I'd get off the bus and walk into my house, just to see my mom passed out on the couch with an empty bottle of wine sitting next to her. I would sometimes be so scared that I would call my dad at work to see what time he was coming home.
As I got older, I started to understand what was going on. During my middle school years, I'd come home and just go outside to play all night, because I knew my mom was drunk and passed out, she wouldn't care. That's so sad, because I know I wasn't the only child doing this. I'm sure kids across the country were going outside, while their parents didn't know, and next thing you know they are being kidnapped or something. I was fortunate enough to not be one of those kids, and I'm thankful that God was looking after me while my mother wasn't.
There would be times my mom would still be awake, but so drunk that you couldn't even understand what she was talking about. I hated that so much, especially when I was in high school. I just wanted to ignore her, but she would just keep bothering me with her stupid remarks. I just felt like saying "go pass out on the couch like you always do". And I started to argue back to her, which I later learned to never argue with an alcoholic, it will get you nowhere. As I got into my senior year of high school, that's when it really started to get intolerable. I met a great guy at my work, who my parents made a horrible impression on. To this day, he still doesn't want to meet them, which I don't blame him for either. During my last year in high school, I started to come home to these horrible fights between my parents, with both of them being drunk. One time in particular, I came home to my mother, drunk off her ass, with all of my dad's guns in her car, ready to drive to the police station. These kinds of situations brought the cops up numerous times per week.
After I graduated, I moved in with my boyfriend and out of my parent's house for the last time ever. I felt so good about myself for making this step in my life, and at that point I felt so grown up and mature, at only 18 years old. I learned that living with a parent with alcoholism, you tend to grow up faster than you're supposed to, and mature quicker than other kids do. That's not always a bad thing, but I missed out on a lot of things during my childhood, and it actually feels like to be a "normal" kid with a "normal" family.
There are so many little things that went on during my childhood, but I don't need to go into detail. I'd be here forever. At almost 21 years old, I'm still on my own with my boyfriend of 3 ½ years. He has been a major life saver for me, being there for me when my parents weren't. I needed his support, as well as the little family I do have, my aunt and pap. These were the people that saw what I went through as I grew up, and they understood my pain. I'm happy to say that my mother is now a recovering alcoholic. On her 43rd birthday, she almost died of overdose on alcohol and drugs. Luckily, she was rushed to the hospital and saved, to live and have a second chance at life, this time, without alcohol. She was put through a treatment plan, along with AA meetings. It's almost been a year since that incident, and I've never had a better relationship with my mom like I do now. It's nice to be able to talk to her without her being under the influence. It's just my mom, plain and simple, and nothing else. For the first time in 20 years, I now know who my "real" mom is, and I'm glad that I have the chance to get to know her. In a way, I think someone was watching over her that night she overdosed, just as they watched over me growing up. Whoever it is, thank you for your guidance and protection, and getting us both through those horrible times.
Some advice for adult children of alcoholics:
Help your parents get treatment. I'm lucky that mom went into treatment herself, because she was scared to death of what the alcohol might do to her next. Don't wait until it's too late to help them. Push them through treatment, and attend meetings with them to show you care and want them to get better. In the end, they will be a better person, and they'll be thankful that alcohol is out of their life forever. I know my mom is.
Published by penguins29
I currently reside in Pittsburgh, PA. I'm self-employed, and I enjoy writing for AC on the side. View profile
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9 Comments
Post a Commenthaha @ the LS dude.
But seriously I agree, I like your story but your advice is bogus
You say never argue with an alcoholic, and when you try to take an alcoholics alcohol away thats when they really bitch.
I just recently moved back into my Bi Polar Alcohalic mother's house after being sexually assaulted by the owner of the home I was renting . I am absolutely miserable and do not know how to deal with my alcohalic abusive mother. She scrutinizes everything I do from the moment I wake up in the morning, what I eat , to what Im wearing, reading, who my friends are etc. I am a fuly grown woman who has not ived at home for 10 years and do not know how to cope. Everynight she comes into my room and yells at me making no sense what soever. I do not know how to handle this she refuses to get help or stop drinking and if we do not obey heror disagree she gets mean and threatens us.
That is some bullshit advice. You can't put them in treatment. You can't make them do anything.
I just wanted to say to mathilde that I hope all is well. I too had several times in my early 20's when I had breakdowns due to stress. I still managed to finish my Uni degree and have a successful career. I recently had my first child and I am so happy. I know I will not repeat the same mistakes with my child. You sound so wise and I am sure you will do the right things. I have not had any depression what-so-ever since I moved away from my mum. Everyday I wake up happy that I don't have to deal with her craziness. Take care, CJ
I have managed to lead a relatively normal life into my adulthood as a child of an alcoholic mother unlike my siblings who have had problems with addictions. The scary thing is they are now doing it to their children. I still feel very sad that I did not have a normal childhood and feel the effects everyday, but do my best to hide them. It is strangely comforting to read about other people's experiences. They all see so similiar. My mum is still an alcoholic and will never change. I think it is sad she has wasted so much of her life to it and now she is a sad miserable old lady. I still love her and except her for what she is. Now I have the power to shut her out when she is drunk, or hang up the phone. I just don't even bother now trying to talk to her when she is drunk. My advice is to get out of the house as soon as you are old enough and live your dreams. Don't let them suck anymore life out of you than they already have.
...but those are exceptions...my opinion applies to the majority of children of alcoholic parent(s) scenarios.
But aside from MHO, I enjoyed reading your article because it is a strangely comforting feeling to know that others know what I went through as a child. It's actually sad that other people know what it's like, and I wish that there was not anyone in the world who knows what it's like to grow up with an alcoholic parent. But the world is what it is, and was comforting and heartbreaking at the same time to hear your story.
Good luck with everything!
I learned that no matter how much the child of an alcoholic tries to help the alcoholic, nothing will change and nothing will get better unless the alcoholic wants to get better and wants the help, and in the majority of cases a pleading child does not do the trick. If anything, the parent may get help but then later resent the child and take out any frustrations of failure on the child because the child is the one who suggested treatment (personal experience too). So, I disagree with you when you suggest to children of alcoholics to try to help their alcoholic parent, at least not in a direct way. The child should not be responsible for helping and if the child wants to help in any way they need to talk to a sober and responsible adult who can try to help the alcoholic. Suggesting that a child should put the burden of sobering their parent is dangerous because that leads to nothing but trouble.
Of course, there are special circumstances which my opinion does not apply....but those a
I can really relate to you. My mother was an alcoholic my entire life, and my dad was too but he was rarely even in the picture. As the eldest daughter, I was pushed into the "parent" role quite early on in life (I was 10 when I first noticed her problem and how it affected me). I would give her the AA numbers, urge her to take our family to counseling, ask her to quit drinking, etc. I tried in so many ways to help her get sober. I had several breakdowns before I even graduated high school because of the stress of her alcoholism. I am 23 now, and last year when she was forced to go back to rehab by the courts as a consequence of her probation for getting into a drunken wreck with semi-truck with my sister in the car, I was once again shoved into the "parent" role and had to take care of HER house and take care of my sisters for 3 months. It was at this time that I went to the library and checked out every single book that dealt with alcoholism. I learned that no matter how much the ch
wow really great job on this and i had my father a alcholic when i was growing up and i know where you are coming from. luckily though he hit rock bottom and went to AA and was clean for 15 years. sadly he passed away five years ago from abestious. wonderful job hon.