Living with Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder is a disease that can be very crippling and affect not only your own personal life but the lives of those around you as well. Although I do not have bipolar disorder, my wife of seven years does. When we first got together, she decided that she did not need any sort of help for it, as it was part of who she was. However, over a five year period of time, her personal health and the health of her relationship with me and others had gotten to a very toxic point that everything was almost lost. However, by getting assistance, she learned that she is not her disease, the disease is not what she is. I would like to talk about how not getting help with bipolar disorder can lead you to make bad, risky choices, say things that you normally wouldn't or things you do not mean, and cause you to lose focus on the things you would normally consider important.

Being bipolar can lead you to having manic highs from time to time. During these times, you feel like you are at the top of the world and nothing can go wrong. Decisions that you make, both personal and financial, can be very risky and not thought all the way through. During the times when my wife went through these swings she would use illicit drugs and drink to such an extreme. She would also drive at excessive speeds (normally 20-30 miles over the speed limit), sometimes while under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Financially, my wife would go shopping and would spend money like it was water. My wife, however, is what is called a rapid cycle bipolar. What is meant by this is that she could go from a manic high and quickly switch to depression. For instance, one time we went to Wal-Mart to go food shopping. After a few minutes of shopping, she no longer felt like shopping and just wanted to go home, lie down, and do nothing. This cycling could happen at any point in time. Not knowing this would cause some tension from time to time as I did not know if I was dealing with my happy go lucky wife or the wife who had the weight of the world on her shoulders.

When she would go through one of these changes, from manic to depressive, the littlest thing would go ahead and set her off. We would be at a party at a friend's house, having the time of our life. The depression would hit in and someone at the party could look at her in a certain way or laugh not just right at a joke of hers, she would believe that they were mad at her, or that they did not like her any more. However, we often would not go visit her friends for their parties because they had forgotten her fifteenth birthday. My wife, in her depression, would say that because they forgot her birthday that year, they were not her friends. However, when we would go over for a visit, she would not want to leave them because she missed them. This up and down roller coaster eventually became part of our normal day to day life. I had no idea, from one moment to the next, which person I was going to be dealing with at any time.

As this roller coaster continued, my wife's health and our relationship began to deteriorate. My wife was diagnosed diabetic when we first got together. When she was on her manic high, she would eat anything that she wanted, rationalizing that that ice cream pie she had would not be that bad. When the depressive low hit, she would start beating herself up for not taking care of herself. When she would get the result of her blood work, she would go ahead and say how she should start taking care of her diabetes. She would say this year after year. In our own relationship, she decided that bringing another person into our marriage was a good idea, and I, foolishly, agreed. As I had lived with the woman who I loved for five years with untreated bipolar disorder, my own habits had become similar to that of a bipolar. I had made some bad decisions with this other person, and my wife's mental condition got progressively worse, to the point when she would start cutting herself, or causing other pain to herself to make herself feel better. She had completely closed herself off to me, thinking that I hated her and did not love her anymore. When I finally said that we should get a divorce did my wife decide to get help.

After five years of damaging decisions, roller coaster days and nights, and almost losing each other, I now have the woman who I knew was underneath all of this turmoil in my life. I know that much of what I have written may not make much sense and this may be more a catharsis for me, I just want to close with one thing. If you are bipolar, and you are not having it treated, please get help. You may think that you are losing part of yourself, but there is a better world for yourself out there. The world you are living in may seem fine, may seem bearable, but ask your friends and family for their perspective. You are not alone in this world, as the actions you take may not necessarily affect yourself but affect those who love you.