Living with Bi-Polar Disorder: A Mother and Daughter's Story of Coping

Tarri Logan is no stranger to being called crazy. Anyone that has ever known her would likely agree that crazy is a wonderful description of her personality, along with fun-loving, silly and eccentric. Last year though, this light-hearted adjective took on a whole new meaning as I started to fear that my mother was in all actuality "going crazy."

In all the years that I've been her daughter, I have certainly witnessed quite a few ups and downs. I and everyone else simply wrote this behavior off as quite frankly just a normal state for my mom, labeling her as overly sensitive. Usually these excessive emotions could be logically attributed to a hardship she was facing in her life. However, in 2008 life was going well. No one could understand why she was falling in to a deep depression and by August her family was aware that she had withdrawn to a place that no one could bring her out of. In mid-December I received yet another middle of the night phone call begging for permission to end her life and I finally made the decision that would change our lives forever, which was to call 911. That night was the beginning of finding her the right help she had been long overdue to receive.

By law, if emergency responders encounter such behaviors, they are required to detain them under the supervision of mental health professionals. After a weekend in a temporary county facility, Tarri was mandated to transfer to Aurora Vista Del Mar in California, which is a full scale mental health hospital. It was here that she spent several weeks attending group classes, one-on-one sessions with various professionals and doctors, and was ultimately diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She finally began to receive medications above and beyond anti-depressants, which for so long had been failing to help.

One of the methods used at Vista Del Mar to help better understand their patients is by having them identify with drawings. In Tarri's case, she broke down when selecting a picture of a slave at a white man's feet, saying that she identified with the feeling of being trapped and having no hope. When speaking about the state of mind she was in at that time, she says that, "...it is a terrible place to live in because when you feel like you can't get out, it sucks you in to a depression that is indescribable. There really are no words. It's hard to explain to someone how the next minute you can come out of that feeling and forget why you even felt that despair because you are suddenly happy again." Of course, these unexplainable highs and lows are the signature of bi-polar disorder.

As the loved one of a person suffering from this debilitating condition, it is critical to take action when the person affected is unable to do so for themselves. While in the clutches of a depressing low, Tarri explains that "I just wanted to cling to somebody to get me out of the black hole I was in. I didn't know who to cling to... I didn't feel like there was any way out." For the person affected and for those around them, shame and embarrassment are common emotions that can prevent the seeking of professional help. This detrimental mistake could end relationships and careers.

For the month that led up to that fateful 911 call, Tarri's loved one's had been feeling helpless and frustrated, myself in particular since we lived several states apart. I began receiving unsettling phone calls from my mother wherein she bravely began to share with me her dark thoughts and inability to control her unprovoked extreme emotions. I began confronting her friends and family and was initially outraged to find out that many of them had been observing her mood swings and depression, but admitted to feeling too embarrassed and critical to bring it to my attention. Although this common behavior stems from an awkwardness to become too involved in someone else's personal life and emotional state, when dealing with someone's mental health, it is imperative to cross that bridge and notify the people if necessary. If ignored, that person's life will continue to needlessly suffer.

As her daughter, I have experienced my own roller coaster of emotions alongside her. In the beginning, I often felt that my mother's emotions and behavior were selfish and manipulative. Since I'd become accustomed to a lifetime of highs and lows, I had a "boy who cried wolf" mentality when she first began to talk of wanting to end her life. When I began to understand that it wasn't that she wanted to die, but that she just couldn't bear to live any longer, I began to understand how unbearable her state of mind must really be. As I started to do research and actively get involved in finding her help, I discovered that what everyone accepted as her normal extremes, were perhaps a part of something that had always been a problem. bipolar disorder is something that affects someone for their entire lifetime, and for my mother this was finally coming to a head that a refused to ignore which it seemed that others may have been doing so her entire life.

While she was hospitalized, she was in fact diagnosed with bipolar. I learned that one of the most crucial ways I could help her was to acknowledge that she was suffering from a legitimate mental disorder. She has learned, along with all of those who care about her, that no one blames or judges her, in the same way that no one would blame a person with a broken arm for being in pain. By creating this level of acceptance and trust, it has helped her to accept herself and aides in the healing process of learning healthier behaviors.

It has been nearly four months since she was released from the hospital, and since that time she experienced no more breakdowns. She is now on Abilify and Topamax, both of which are mood stabilizers, as well as continues to see a psychiatrist and therapist on a regular basis. This full spectrum approach to treatment along with the support of her family has helped her understand that she has nothing to hide. Her life has been transformed, and so has mine. "It's so wonderful how I'm living today. I don't feel one single day of depression," which was something unimaginable just 4 months ago. She is no longer the stranger that she had become, but instead a constantly improving version of herself. While she still has the "crazy" care-free attitude that makes her unique, the highs are no longer off the charts. I'm so proud of her hard efforts and I'm so glad to have my mom back.