Living with Bi-Polar Disorder and Working in a High-Stress Environment

I have been a cop for 15 years and for the most part I find it to be the most fulfilling job in the world. I have worked as a street cop, which is where we all start out, a detective, a bicycle cop and a field supervisor. Each assignment had its own rewards, but each presented different stresses. Personally, I found being a detective the most stressful. It could have been the division I was assigned to. I investigated sex crimes. I conducted the first investigation into an Internet predator in our departments history. This was back in 1997 when the Internet was just getting commercial and the TV news shows didn't even know what an Internet predator was. I am proud to say the guy was convicted of the crime and got 65 years in prison. Eventually, the stress of the job got to me and I went back to the streets. After that my family began to tell me that my mood swings were getting out of hand. I almost lost my family and finally sought psychological help. That is when I was diagnosed as Bi-Polar.

In 2000, I was diagnosed as Bi-Polar. I spent several months talking to a specialist before he diagnosed me. I told him about the dramatic mood swings(also known as rapid cycling), the hyper-sexuality and the deep depression. The depression was the worst. When he diagnosed me and we talked about it I was amazed at how it explained so many things that had occurred in my life. I had a great child hood, but during my late teen years I began to have mood swings. I would occasionally have violent outbursts. I never hurt anyone except myself. My thing was to punch walls and of course this resulted in a few trips to the ER with a busted hand. Brick walls will win every-time. I had numerous girlfriends and relationships, but they all ended. Back then I thought of myself as a stud, but I now realize it was the hyper-sexuality related to bi-polar. Part of bi-polar is hyper-sexuality or the feeling you need to have sex all the time. Now don't get me wrong, I love sex and sometimes I miss that side effect of the condition, what I don't miss is the constant moving from relationship to relationship. The biggest thing I recall from those years was the depression. I would get so down that I all wanted to do was lay in bed and sleep. Sometimes that was all I did. I did finally meet someone who I fell in love with and was willing to put up with the mood swings.

When I was 25 I was hired on as a police officer. Something that I had been wanting to do for a long time. I didn't know it at the time, but the stress from the job would eventually lead to my diagnosis and treatment. As a cop you usually see the worst that people can do to each other. I did and do a good job of handling the stress and not letting what I see get to me. What I didn't know at the time was that I was bringing the emotions home and taking them out on my family. I never hit my wife or children, but I would get distant and start arguments over stupid things. The problem was that I would bottle up the things I saw on the job and not let out what I was thinking or feeling. This is the worst thing someone with bi-polar can do.

Bi-polar is a neurological condition. The brain does not produce certain chemicals which results in the mood swings. Tthe effects are the hyper-sexuality, extreme highs (mania) and dark lows (depression). When diagnosed and treated the mood swings are rare and the highs and lows are leveled off and the hyper-sexuality is diminished. It is believed that bipolar disorder may be partially genetic in nature.

What finally got me diagnosed was the hyper-sexuality. I cheated on my wife and we went into counseling which led to my diagnosis. This also led to my understanding of what happened to me after I transfered out of the detectives division. After I went back to being a street cop I was extremely depressed. I didn't want to go to work and I didn't want to be at home. No matter what I did I couldn't be happy. I worked more, thinking that would help and all it did was make me more depressed. Most people with bi-polar find the depression to be the hardest part to deal with. When you are that depressed you feel like everything is falling in around you. The only way I know how to describe it is like you are in a room where there is no light and you keep feeling around for a light switch or a door knob and there is nothing there. Everything seems hopeless. There was a time or two where I actually considered eating my own pistol. I am glad I didn't. I wouldn't be here to watch my kids grow up and enjoy everything that they enjoy.

Once I was finally diagnosed, my doctor put me on Depakote. This is a mood stabilizing drug. I still have the occasional mood swing and I do get depressed, but they are not as dramatic and I recover from them much more quickly. I have also learned how to recognize when I am rapid cycling or getting depressed. I can't just pop a pill and things go back to normal, but I can face what is going on.

Through all of these experiences I have become a better cop. One of the things that my conditions does for me is I better empathize with people when they are in trouble. I don't empathize with the criminals, but I do empathize with the victims of crime. I understand when a kid feels like they have no hope and want to run away from a home that holds no hope for them. I can also communicate with the person down the street that you might consider crazy. I know what they are going through and can relate. I don't lie to them, I tell them that I am bi-polar and I just want to talk. It amazes most cops how easy it is for me to talk to these people. My condition has also made me a great negotiator. I am in command of my departments Hostage Negotiations Unit. Most people think of negotiations as dealing with a bank robber who takes people hostage, but most involve some person who has just been pushed to far and they do something they immediately regret. Because I know how it is to feel like things are out of control I can talk to these people and understand what they are feeling. I specifically recall one incident where a man had barricaded himself in his home after an argument with his wife. He was in the garage with a gun in his hand threatening to commit suicide. I got on scene along with the SWAT team found the house surrounded by every officer on the streets at the time. I went inside the house and talked to this man for about 4 hours.This is what we call a face to face negotiation. He finally put the gun down and we went into the kitchen and talked for another hour. I convinced him to get admitted to a hospital for an evaluation. One of the things he did tell me was that he never had anybody understand him or listen to him like I had. So while my condition has had its rough moments in my life I do see some reward every once in a while.

While I do not profess to be able to diagnose any psychological condition I hope that if someone reads this and recognizes something in themselves they seek help.