Living with Emetophobia, the Fear of Vomit and Vomiting

When I was in second grade we started every morning in Miss Mack's class with a song, "Good Morning to You." I looked forward to school, to getting dressed up in my red plaid uniform skirt and seeing my friends. I loved those mornings until that fateful morning. I remember it like it was yesterday. We all stood up at our desk and got ready to sing. In the mists of saying that we are all in our places with bright shiny faces something happened. Zachary P. who sat in front of me, turned around quickly, and looked down at my bright and shiny saddle shoes. He opened his mouth, and he threw up all over my brand new shoes.

My reaction might have seemed normal to the casual observer, I started crying, but what they didn't know was what was going on inside my body. My heart started beating really fast, I felt like it was going to jump out of my body, my throat was closing in, and my brain started to act like a record player running on a skipped record, panicking. I was having my first of many panic attacks. The cause, vomit.

I didn't know it then, but I suffer from the fifth most common phobia out there. I have emetophobia, simply put the fear of vomiting. I go into a panic attack at the mere mention of someone feeling nauseous. If I hear that I have been around someone who vomited after I saw them that day I will review in my head, what is wrong with them? If I think food poisoning, I relax. They just ate fish, and that probably gave them food poisoning because it was undercooked. I simply can not get it. If, on the other hand, I deduct that they had the stomach flu I follow a very strict protocol. First I take 6000mg of vitamin C. I read somewhere that all of the acid can kill the stomach bug. I know it is probably not true, but it is part of the routine. Next I make sure not to eat anything for the next 72 hours, after all I can't throw up if there is nothing in my stomach. I also make sure that I have on hand compazine, in case I get nauseous.

I have been to therapist after therapist to treat this darn thing. I have to say along the way I have had some pretty colorful explanations of what is wrong with me, and where my fear of vomit comes from. I was told I was bipolar, suffered from post traumatic stress disorder, was a latent lesbian (not sure what that had to do with fear of vomiting, but whatever), and was secretly bulimic, repressing it with this fear. It wasn't until 2005 when I was planning my wedding and stumbled upon an article about Denise Richards and her "throw-up" phobia that I realized I was not alone. I finally knew there was a name for what I had and with a name, hope.

I had hope that I would be cured. The funny thing is, I feel like I might not really want to be cured. I almost want to hold onto my quirky little phobia, panic attacks and all. I searched on line for a therapist who handles phobias and their cures. She promised that I did not have to throw up repeatedly in order to cure myself of this, but rather go through some cognitive behavioral therapy exercises. I stuck with it for a while, got to the point where I could actually touch door handles without thinking I was exposed to at least twenty-five different illnesses, and then the bomb dropped, my insurance didn't cover her. I wonder if I was secretly relieved? I wonder if I cling to my illness? I know I didn't search out a new therapist who had success curing an emetophobe.

I have found some relief throughout the years in the form of yahoo groups, myspace groups, and even an emetophobia society. I have posted to chat rooms and even tried to meet another emetophobe, although I have yet to meet anyone in person. There is help out there. I am strugling through life with it, but I know I do not have a severe case like some people on my chat groups have. I can leave the house, and I can even say and spell the word vomit. I have seen images of people throwing up without going into a panic attack. I am no where from cured. I freak out a lot, refuse to cook chicken or crack eggs because in my mind they will make me sick, I hate flu season, and wash my hands obsessively.

I just want to reach out to everyone there who is suffering from this illness. It is real, it does exist, and there is help. Maybe someday I too will be cured, of course I would have to take my own advice.