Living in Foster Care: Advice from Teens Who Have Been There

"OH! You live in a foster home".

That is the typical reaction foster kids get from most people. It can come from surprising sources: teachers, coaches, friends, friends' parents, neighbors, and employers. This attitude towards foster kids makes it more difficult to live with an already impossible situation.

I did not grow up in foster care, but I did spend 17 years working with hundreds of teens who did. Because my experience with the foster system was professional and not personal, I made sure to observe and listen closely to what these teens said about surviving in foster care. All the following advice comes directly from them.

Don't give up hope. It will get better, even though it seems impossible. Try to maintain some kind of schedule whether it's school, activities, or seeing friends. It's true that others dictate your time to a large degree, so maybe your activity is simply reading a book every night before bed.

Keep confidential. Your life is your business, so be careful who you tell if you don't want everybody to know what's up. The truth is that there is misconception and bias out there about kids in foster care. You'll learn who can be trusted with your life details.
Develop support systems. It is really important to identify adults who are supportive in some way, whether it is emotional, educational, financial, vocational, or a mentorship. Use adults who are part of the system, such as caseworkers and therapists, but also develop supports outside of foster care. You will need them later.

Don't burn bridges! Be careful about this, especially with caseworkers and foster parents. Believe it or not, they can be your greatest allies, especially if you emancipate into the community from foster care. You will appreciate being invited to dinner at a former foster home when you only have an old apple and some dried up cheese in the fridge.

Take advantage of services. It really does help to talk to someone about your life, especially an objective someone. Friends are a great support, but there are adults that can help, too. And there are other services your caseworker can help you find: mentors, independent living/life skills training, family therapy, tutors, drug and alcohol treatment, help with college or vocational programs, and aftercare services. Be real if you need help with something. Not only is it a lot more expensive to get help when you are 30, but some resources are time-limited such as certain scholarships.

Stay in school. Graduate from high school or at least get a GED if you hate school. Either way, it is easier to get the kind of jobs you like if you have a diploma or GED. Even if you think you are not college material, it may surprise you to know that many former foster youths actually do further their education after leaving foster care. You will get even better jobs if you go to college or vocational school.

Get and keep a job. You can earn money and gain independence at the same time. It helps you prepare for your future, and besides, it gets you out of your foster home while doing a legitimate activity.

Save lots of money. If you will be emancipating from foster care, you can never have too much. It is really easy to spend everything you make, maybe because you never had money before or you are trying to keep up with your friends. Your friends probably don't have to move out on their own right after graduation, so they don't have to worry about rent and other bills yet.

Of course, this is all good advice, but let's face it. Living in foster care is hard, and it can be difficult to concentrate on these things when you are worried about your family, getting moved from placement, or that your foster peers might steal your things. If you can establish some stability in your life, especially when it comes to where you are living, focusing on these other things will get easier. Be as focused on moving forward as you can. And remember to use your support system to get you through it all.