Living with Infertility

I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or P.C.O.S. two and a half years ago. It causes cysts on the ovaries, which causes infertility. For five years my husband and I were trying to have a baby and we couldn't figure out what was wrong. We didn't have medical coverage at the time so I wasn't able to go to a fertility specialist so therefore we were in the dark about what was keeping me from getting pregnant. Finally in October of 2004 I was able to get medical coverage through my husbands disability and went to a fertility specialist. I was hoping it was going to be something easy and she could just give me something to help me ovulate. As soon as I told her what was going on she ran some tests and told me I probably had P.C.O.S but wasn't sure yet and I had to wait two weeks for the test results. Two weeks wait was killing me and I didn't think I would ever get through it but with the help of my husband and mother, I did.

Finally the two weeks came and and I got the phone call telling me I did indeed have P.C.O.S. and I was going to have a hard time getting pregnant. I was already having a hard time so this wasn't new to me or my husband but I was devastated when the nurse told me this because I desperately wanted a baby and didn't think I was ever going to have one now. So the doctor put me on Clomid which was supposed to help me ovulate. Yeah it was going to help me ovulate but what about keeping the cysts from forming on my ovaries? But I thought the doctor knew what was best and I tried the Clomid for three months. For every month I was on it I thought I had gotten pregnant because my menstrual cycle was almost two weeks late every month. But when it finally came I was let down again.

I got tired of going through this so I went back to my doctor and told her I wasn't going to take the Clomid anymore. First off it wasn't doing any good and not to mention it was $40 a month because my insurance didn't cover it. So I asked her to put me on Metformin because my sister-n-law was on it and she had gotten pregnant with the help of it. So she agreed to let me try it. She put me on a dose of 1500 mg. for the first two weeks and then upped the dose to 2000 mg. Well this was too much because I was sick everyday from it and I was getting more cysts on my ovaries. One night I started having this terrible pain in my lower abdomen and it was so bad I thought I was dying. I couldn't move and had to go to the Emergency Room. I have never felt a pain like this before and wanted to die just to end it. I spent six hours in the E.R in pain so bad I couldn't move because it made it worse. They did a cat scan and found out that I had one cyst on each of my ovaries and one of them busted and that I had a bunch of fluid in there. I went back to my doctor after that and she did an ultra sound and said it was clearing up but she finally lowered the dose of the Metformin down to 1000 mg. I wasn't sick anymore and haven't had any painful cysts since then but I still haven't gotten pregnant.

I have come to the painful realization that I will probably never have children and have come to accept it. Although it hurts I think that maybe it is not meant to be for me to have children. My husband and I have quit trying for now because it stressed us out too bad and stress in itself is a problem when trying to conceive. We will try again someday but if it is not meant to be there is nothing we can do about it. I will just continue to take care of my animals and my husband and try to live a happy life without children. Although it is very painful to see babies I have accepted it and try to fulfill my life with my family and my writing. Maybe one day we will have a baby but for now it is not to be.

Polycystic is not only an infertility issue. It also causes irregular or absent menstrual cycle, high blood pressure, acne, elevated insulin levels, diabetes, excess hair on the body and face, thinning of the scalp and hair, and weight problems. I do not have diabetes and I don't have any weight problems but I do have excess body hair and facial hair. I do take care of this problem and the medication is supposed to help, although it doesn't much. I am planning to see an endocrinologist soon because I have heard they can probably help me better. Diabetes and high blood pressure are already in my family so that is an even better chance of getting these diseases. I want to do everything I can to prevent this from happening and maybe have a baby someday.