Living with an Introvert: Life in the Slow Lane
Today I am speaking as an introvert who has tried for years to keep this trait under wraps. I am finally coming out of the closet. My name is Marsha, and I'm an introvert. This surprises a lot of people because I am very social, talk a lot, and enjoy my friends.
As defined by Meyers-Briggs, an introvert is someone who recharges by being alone. When you are overstressed, overtired, and want to pull your hair out, do you curl up with a good book or the remote control? Or do you grab the phone and find someone to go shopping, dancing, or dining with? If the first answer sounded more like what you would do, you are probably an introvert.
And that is okay. If you are an introvert, and you have heard all your life that you are too quiet; too selfish; withdrawn; lone wolf; loner; unfriendly; shy; or some of the other adjectives that get applied to introverts by well-meaning extroverted friends and family, you may be feeling like the Una-Bomber or some other serial murderer. The truth is, introverts are just as friendly, helpful, and socially aware as anyone. We just prefer to mix in smaller circles; and to unwind alone.
If you are an extrovert and you are living with an introvert, then you need to read this article before you write your introvert off as cold, unfeeling, and uncaring. Under the restrained exterior, introverts usually have a depth of feeling missing in the more social extroverts.
In our world, successful people are usually extroverts. We as a society seem to value the gift of gab over the gift of meditation. Our politicians and other leaders are required to be masters of the soundbite and hearty handshake. An Abraham Lincoln or Calvin Coolidge (both of them introspective, quiet people) wouldn't even get nominated today, let alone elected.
Here are some facts about introverts that you might want to remind yourself of when you wonder why they aren't speaking:
Introverts hate repeating themselves.
Introverts think long and hard before talking.
Introverts are trying to be polite by listening to you, even though it's torture.
Silence to an introvert is what oxygen is to mammals.
Introverts don't think out loud, but that doesn't mean they aren't thinking.
Introverts aren't sick, or mad, or bored. They are just quiet sometimes.
It has been said that introverts are "a minority in the general population, and a majority in the gifted population." Think of Emily Dickinson, the poet who didn't leave her house for years. Or Sartre who famously said " Hell is other people." It is suspected that a lot of actors are truly introverts. Many introverts can relate to this, as when they are in public, they often feel as though they are playing a part. Of course, we can never know for sure who is an introvert, because they aren't talking about themselves.
Even introverts misunderstand each other sometimes. I said earlier that I am an introvert; that is because I need a few hours alone each day, but in between times I like to talk and I like to visit friends. My husband is also an introvert, and for him that means that he thinks three times as much as he says; he prefers not to visit people he doesn't already know; and he doesn't discuss his decisions to death the way some of us, ahem, do.
If you have an introvert in your life, and want to respect him or her, try being quiet sometimes. And don't ask "What are you thinking about?" every time there is a pause. Your introvert will thank you...quietly.
Published by Marsha Raasch
I am a 44 year old mother of two girls. I am recently divorced and dealing with single parenting, being a working mom, and sending the girls to public school for the first time. View profile
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15 Comments
Post a CommentLibby, the article is dealing with long held perceptions about what an introvert is, can, cannot do - like the perception that "We are not a selfish lot, we are born with completely more empathy than introverts. We talk more because we are genuinely interested in people". It's unfortunate that you live with an introvert whom you feel doesn't care about people. However, on a more objective note, you find that there's tonnes of introverts out there who do care about people and chose to show that by acting on their behalf rather than talking to them. I don't know half the class' names not because I don't care about them but because its not practical to be involved in everyone's lives, neither is it practical to be friends with everyone - some of them don't want me involved! As it is, labels are not good - if you know people enough these labels 'not caring', 'good', 'bad', 'more creative' etc will disappear despite the fact that they may be introverted or extroverted.
Libby, I am so sorry. I have divorced the introvert I was kind of writing about too. I do think there's a difference between introversion and depression and the line can get blurry. Many good books have been written on living with a depressed partner. Introversion is not the same. I myself am a social introvert, and I"m quite happy and have a social life...and I also love my books, knitting and me..and of course the article was shallow, it was a blog type web article, not an indepth scholarly study.
Having lived with a miserable introvert for 25 years, I find your article shallow. first of all, extroverts are also deep thinkers, and keep many comments to themselves. This is because in early childhood, we are sometimes labeled as being "bad" because we like to talk. We actually like to talk because we are truly nterested in the people around us. We are not a selfish lot, we are born with completely more empathy than introverts. The introverts are seen as "good" because they don't interrupt as much. To survive in the educational world, an extrovert learns to listen and stop expressing themselves as much as they would like. Thus, our acceptable social personalities are shaped earlier on. We are imposed upon the "understand' the RUDE introvert, who does not speak when spoken to with at least a polite "yes" or "no". who doesn't know haft the names of the other children in the room halfway through the year, because they simply are not interested in people.
I also find your comments on creative people absolutely ridiculous. The whole point to being a successful artist, particularly im the performing arts, is to understand ones introversion AND extroversion. Perhpas it would surprise you that extroverts are also extremely good listeners, and to add to it, are very attune to the outside world, which makes them GREAT artists. I'm curious...have you made your lving in the creative world, as I have had for the last 35 years or so? I have...and I am a proud extrovert, who has to live with a tyrannical introvert with whom I can hardly talk at home to, for fear of interrupting his "down" time.
"Introverts are trying to be polite by listening to you, even though it's torture."
Really? Torture? Care to elaborate on what kind of torture? Is it closer to waterboarding or to crucifixion? Come down off your cross, oh Great Introverted Messiah. You are NOT that much better than the rest of us who, shameful though it may be, DO have to speak on occasion -- you know, to be polite.
Good article. I found your article looking for information about the UNA Bomber.
I am an interovert, i now fully understand.
I have always been quiet, shy, and more quiet lol.
I hate big groups, i would rather hang out with 1 or 2 good buddies and watch the hockey game than 10 'friends' out at the bar watching the same hockey game.
I never really truly understood myself until just now.
Thanks to whomever wrote this article!
What's funny is I recently heard that extorverts and introverts are actually 50/50 in the world, but it seems like there are more extros because they are louder etc. There are times when I wish I had gone to schools in Europe or even Japan because from what I've learned they know and understand how to teach children of different personality types.
(Ok i had to post this on 2 parts, as it didn't post in one go). second part. The ones whom make us feel guilty or weird for not wanting to out clubbing for the second night in a row. It does rather annoy me how were often -ok most of the time - we are overlooked and labled before we even have a chance in whatever social setting i may be in. Apparently i am an cold aloof snobby person. in the article it spoke of how we as introverts can be consumate actors. It is suprising when on the rare occasion -when out in a public setting - that i am quite loud, it is funny to see people reactions and people whom i have never met before don't raise an eyebrow, because the sad fact is society expects people in general to be more louder, open, friendly. When the fact it those people would get to know the real me if they took their time, but we live in a rushed, 'go go go' society. so us introverts i suppose just have to stand our ground in extrovert dominated world.
RE: To Renee Bodkin. apparently ambiverts are a third type. It is for people whom don't fit in either or fit in both. An ambivert is a person with estimated 50% introvert and extrovert qaulities/traits. My own assumption/experience is that most people are ambiverts or extroverts, as i am an 21 yr old introvert i find it hard to find and relate to people (in my age group) on a deeper level than small talk (shudder) or have "facade" freinds, which there are plenty of people out thier like that. I make friends easily enough (when i force my self to an extent), but 90% of the time i am left feeling unsatisfied, as the friendships tend to end or we drift apart because all they want to do is go to the pub, rowdy parties etc. when i do - which is rare - find an other introvert or an ambivert whom lean more to introvert qaulities, i value those frendships. What does annoy me alot are extroverts whom have ears but never use them. The ones whom make us feel guilty or weird for not wanting to
I enjoyed your article! I'm also an introvert.