Living Life in High Definition - There is Life After ADD

In short, life is difficult for the ADD sufferer. The effects of this disorder are all encompassing and it's symptoms are often so vague that they can be explained away - She's disorganized, a flake, she never seems to be listening when I speak to her. She's got her head in the clouds. She's aloof, often disinterested, anti-social.
Sound familiar? Perhaps you know someone like that....or, you recognize some of the same traits in yourself, or your spouse. Meanwhile, the person living with ADD is often bogged down with feelings of inadequacy, of not being smart, or likable, or worthy of good things. Often, ADD goes hand in hand with other medical conditions such as depression, or bi-polar disorder.

Relationships present their own unique set of difficulties to the ADD sufferer. Characteristic of the disorder is the inability to express one's self verbally without a great deal of frustration, and emotion. It is difficult to verbalize thoughts or feelings without tears and emotion so avoidance of the issue becomes the preferred method of handling a situation. Also characteristic of the disorder is a short fuse, often leading to an eruption of anger over seemingly insignificant reasons. While the typical ADD sufferer likes the idea of being organized and is often jealous of those who are organized in their own lives, organization at any level often escapes them. They are seen as lazy, or flighty, both at home and at their workplace.

In women who have ADD, the symptoms are often worse when they are premenstrual, or postpartum, or menopausal. Quite often, a diagnosis of ADD is missed when symptoms are attributed solely to hormonal changes in a woman's physiology.

While relaxing activities are anything but to the ADD sufferer and it can be difficult to impossible to sit still long enough to read a book, write a simple letter, or even to prepare a grocery list, adult ADD sufferers are often prone to gambling addictions because of the relaxing effect that the "mental vacation" of sitting in front of a slot machine for hours has on them. ADD suffers are plagued with "excesses" - addictions to food, sex, gambling, online chat rooms, etc. are a sad fact of life to many adults with ADD. I personally have "lost" hours - sometimes as many as 8-10 hours sitting in front of my computer, or a slot machine, blocking out any thought of the passing time or the money spent. Or worse, to the consequence involved. Perhaps it is the rush of endorphins that comes along with this dangerous behavior that has a drug-like effect on the ADD sufferer. It is refreshing to be able to sit for hours on end even at the most destructive of behaviors, since most forms of "relaxation" normally elude the ADD sufferer. It is difficult for the ADD sufferer to not give in to the temptations of such destructive behaviors as gambling and sex addictions because of the feeling that it evokes. To put it in terms that someone who does not have ADD would understand, think of it this way; if you had great difficulty sleeping, to the point where you spent many, many sleepless nights while others around you were tucked into their beds, dreaming the night away, and you found an activity that brought on drowsiness, and sleep, you would engage in that activity. Regardless of the consequence. Every human being needs to be able to relax, and unwind, and this can be quite impossible for the ADD sufferer. To relax is to "de-stress". Can you imagine the amount of stress that you would have in your life if you weren't able to relax by engaging in such activities as reading quietly, or relaxing in a luxurious bubble bath? Often times the need to de-stress by engaging in such destructive behaviors as gambling compulsively leads to the loss of finances, loved ones, jobs and self-esteem, but the feeling that comes from that "rush" overshadows all reasonable thought and concern for others.

There is hope. After my first marriage failed miserably and I had lost a large portion of the money I had been given by my ex-husband for my portion of our family home to gambling, I reached the point in my life that I considered to be "rock bottom". The point at which this happens varies and no one can say just what it will take to make you stop and take control of your life, and get control over your "demons". An injury at work led to a hospitalization and a lengthy period of recovery at home. The turning point in my life came when I found myself taking a mental inventory of all of the pain medications that I had in my home and finding it more and more difficult to talk myself out of taking them all at once, to put an end to the pain. It took all of the strength that I had to reach out to my family, including my soon-to-be ex. He didn't know that I was teetering on the brink of putting an end to it all.......no one did. Knowing that the very things that I had considered using to take my own life were contributing to this blanket of dark depression that had washed over me, I decided to stop taking them. To get them out of my house. I wanted to live.....I just didn't know how to do so like everyone else was.

I called a Family Counselor who I had spoken to while my marriage was crumbling around me. She was kind and soft spoken, and it was easy to talk to her. Well, for the most part. Through gallons of tears and the frustration that comes with not being able to fully express the pain that I was in, I connected with her. She was a warm human being, a consummate professional, and a beacon of light in a sea of confusion. Explaining that there was no blood test that could detect Attention Deficit Disorder, there was a "test" that I could take - a majority of answers to the affirmative, she explained, pointed to the strong likelihood that I suffered from ADD. She further explained that the "proof positive" would be taking medication prescribed for the management of ADD symptoms - if I took it and it had a narcotic effect on me (if I felt a "buzz"), that meant I did not have ADD. If I took it and I felt normal, it meant I had it. In cooperation with my Primary Care Physician I was prescribed 18 mg. of Concerta, taken once daily in a slow-release pill form. The effect was immediate, and it was dramatic. It was as if I had been watching television on an old TV with rabbit ear antennas and now I was watching it in high definition. I was clear and focused, gone were my feelings of self-loathing and paranoia, and I felt - for the first time, maybe ever, what it was like to be "normal".

I can't say that I don't occasionally "slip" back in to old behaviors but those slips are fewer and fewer. The fact that I am able to sit and write this article is testament to the change in my life. The nicest thing to come of the change in me since being on medication is the ease with which I relate to the people in my life, the ones that I love. I can show love, and get the love that I so richly deserve in return. I'm the same person that I've always been.......just a more colorful, vibrant version of that same person. Life is good.....and I'm finally living it in high def.