Living Life Now in Light of Past Abuses

Overcoming the pain and all the issues surrounding childhood sexual abuse is a life-long undertaking. Throughout life we will be faced time and again with events and situations that will "hit" those old wounds and ways of thinking that we learned as victims of abuse.

I spent the better part of ten years working through all of my abuse memories and issues. I know I have come a very long way in the recovery process. Yet, there are still days when something or someone will come along and say or do something that brings up some of those old feelings. The old feelings are no longer triggers that bring back repressed memories of past abuses, but those thoughts and emotions still tend to kick in if find myself in a situation that reminds me of any form of my past abuse.

As an illustration, let me share something with you that happened just a few days ago. I had been in conversation with our mortgage company regarding paying down our home mortgage and reducing our monthly payments on the balance of our loan through recasting the loan. I talked to three different people over the course of several months about this process; I was given all the information and the details I needed to know in order to follow through with the recast.

In December, I sent the mortgage company a check for the full amount we wished to put on our loan, the amount of the recast fee plus the next month's full mortgage payment, which would give them plenty of time to process our loan and advise us of our lowered monthly payment.

I waited until early February, and after no word from our mortgage company, I placed a a call to them asking for some updated information on the process. After spending the first 20 minutes tangled up in their voice mail system, I finally was able to reach a real live person. However, that person could not answer my question so she transferred me to another person, at which point, I was dropped out of their telephone system completely. I began the tedious process again, and found my way to yet another real person, who could not help me. She was kind enough to transfer me to the Recast Department this time and a young man addressed my problem by telling me that our loan was not eligible for a recast.

I felt as if I had been slapped in the face. I was completely dumbfounded. Once I regained my voice, I asked him why we had not been informed of our ineligibility. I also reminded him that they are holding onto a rather large sum of money that was intended for a recast and now it is just sitting there doing no one any good. He apologized and said, "someone should have called to let us know". He then transferred my call to another department so we could get our money back, since we could not recast our mortgage. The young lady told me that I would need to send them proof that this money actually came out of our bank account before it could be refunded. Again, I was dumbfounded. After more confusion and being placed on hold several more times, I agreed to fax them a copy of our bank statement showing the money had actually come from our bank account and also included the cancelled check as further proof of payment. They agreed to Fed-Ex the check to us for delivery the following day. That was 6 days ago and we still have not received our money and there has been no further word from our mortgage company.

As a result of all of this confusion, disillusionment, distrust and a general feeling of being ignored, disregarded and lied to, I was suffering in my physical body. My body hurt all over and my anxieties were off the chart. The old emotions and thoughts of being abused and misused were alive and well.

By this time, I realized that I needed to take better care of myself or I was headed for some real trouble. The next day I just wanted to wrap up in a warm bathrobe and hibernate. I simply could not bear any responsibilities for that day. I also talked to my husband and asked him to handle any further confrontations that we might face before this situation is resolved. Since he does not handle confrontation well, I know this is asking a lot of him, but it falls under "taking good care of myself" and I know I am unable to deal any further with this company. I also know that things will be resolved in time and life will go on.

The feelings, both physically and emotionally, are rooted in my past. My low tolerance for confrontation is also rooted in my past. Some of these things will likely always be a part of my life and I simply need to remind myself that I need to be careful about anything that creates anxieties for me.

Facing this truth is part of my own recovery process. For me to deny that I am somewhat fragile in this area is believing a lie about how I have been damaged by the abuses of my past. Realizing the truth and taking good care of my needs is a part of this healing pathway.

As survivors of abuse, we are not accustomed to taking care of ourselves, but instead, we have been trained to take care of everyone else. Healing in this area looks somewhat selfish to us at first, simply because we are not accustomed to being good to ourselves. It takes time and practice, but we will all get there eventually. Even me.

Source:

My Life