Living with Your Lover - A Survival Guide

My boyfriend and I moved in together immediately after our first date. Sounds crazy and unrealistic, but it's true. I spent the night at his house after our first tryst (another relationship taboo we managed to transcend) and didn't sleep in my own bed again until my parents needed me to dog sit several months later. (Yes, I was one of those 20-somethings still languishing in my parents rent-free basement.)

Because of the hastiness with which our lives were thrown together, I learned a lot very quickly about sharing my space with another person. It wasn't always easy, but somehow we managed to make it work and are still together several years later. Here are a few tricks I picked up along the way, which I hope will help you avoid some of the pitfalls we ran into.

Sharing is Caring!

The first, and perhaps most important thing I learned from our expedited leap into a couple's life is the importance of sharing. Okay, so this is something you are supposed to learn in kindergarten, but sharing a life is rather different from sharing your Barbie Dolls.

Initially, I felt that it was his house so I only washed my laundry and my dishes, ate the food that I purchased at the supermarket when he wasn't home etc. On the same wavelength, he watched what he wanted on TV every night and bought the things that he liked to eat when he went shopping. We had separate tubes of toothpaste, for heaven's sakes.

It quickly became apparent after a brutal blow-out regarding a pile of unwashed dishes in the sink, that this kind of mentality just wasn't going to work. Our lives ran much more smoothly when we began treating one another as equals living together rather than the home-owner and the chick who hangs around the house.

Sharing household chores makes life better for everyone involved. Before you move in with your significant other, be prepared to do his laundry as well as your own. Expect to cook for two. And expect your partner to reciprocate in kind. Domestic bliss depends on both of your abilities to give and take.

Alone Time is a Commodity to be Cherished!

It might seem like you want your lover by your side, through thick and thin, always and forever. I can all but guarantee that after a few months there will be days when you are sick of looking at each other's faces.

I have learned to cherish the occasional nights when my boyfriend works overtime until midnight. It's not that I don't love him truly, madly and deeply... It's just that sometimes it is a pleasure to sit on the living room couch with a bag of potato chips and a bottle of nail polish watching some cheesy Lifetime movie -- ALONE!

If you have the space for it, I strongly recommend a den. Even a finished basement or attic works. Just create some sort of space where you can go to escape your lover and be alone, should the urge strike you. If the two of you are sharing a small apartment, then get out and do things by yourself. A cathartic shopping spree is always good to downplay the tension of too much time together. Even a trip to the local coffee shop with a good book for a few hours can do wonders to shake that "I-can't-stand-being-near-you" feeling.

Financial Fairness -- And Freedom!

Anytime money comes into the picture, tensions typically start to run high. When my boyfriend and I moved in together, I suddenly found myself living in a big old house with a $3000 a month mortgage. He was older, more established, and had a MUCH better paying job than I did. For a while, it seemed reasonable to let him pay for just about everything. After all, it was his house, and he did make twice as much money as I did.

In retrospect (and following yet another blowout), it is blatantly evident that this was selfish of me. Not only was my poor boyfriend paying for the entire mortgage, electric bill, his car payment etc., he was also paying to feed, clean, and house two most of the time. We talked it through and decided that, although I couldn't afford to pay half of his mortgage and utility bills, it wasn't unreasonable to expect me to pay something. I worked out a budget and figured out what I could afford... Significantly less than half, at least I am contributing!

My advice: Talk about finances first. Sometimes a straight split down the middle isn't within the realm of possibility. Don't agree to pay half the bills if you can't afford it, you are just setting yourself up for disaster. Be honest about your means and consider creative ways for both of you to contribute. Would it be reasonable to create a joint bank account to pay for non-necessities? We have what we call a "socialization" account. Any extra money we have left over that isn't spent on bills and necessities gets deposited into this account, which we then use for outings like dinner dates, vacations, etc.

Expectations -- The Fights about the Future...

Perhaps the biggest pitfall we managed to overcome was the giant hole that is expectations. About a year after we'd begun living together my boyfriend blurted out "I don't think I ever want to get married" over penne ala vodka on a Saturday night. The fight that ensued did not centered around marriage (conveniently, I happen to be morally and ethically opposed to legally binding my affections to another person.) Instead, it was the fact that he had waited until 14 months into our relationship to divulge this important piece of information.

Sure, it may seem awkward to talk about your relationship expectations, but if you are actually ready to move in together your relationship should be at a point where you can have this sort of discussion. There is nothing worse than investing a lot of time, money and energy in a relationship only to discover that you have completely incompatible life goals.

In our case, it worked out all right (after the initial battle royale) because our views were compatible. Still, I strongly suggest having a good long conversation about what both of you want out of the relationship and the future BEFORE you open that joint checking account or cosign on his car loan.

Forgiveness and Understanding!

Really, this is what it all comes down to. The two of you will fight. You will want different things. No amount of talking and planning and prepare you for every bump on the road to domestic bliss. The real sticking point of a relationship that will survive the rocky road is your capacity to understand where your partner is coming from -- and forgive him when he screws up.

Nobody is perfect. We all have our quirks that get on people's nerves. We are all inconsiderate at times without even realizing it. If you take the time to understand your partner's motivations when he does something that ticks you off, and forgive him his harmless mistakes, you will find your time together much more tolerable.

The items in this article may seem obvious to some people. Maybe they are. Maybe that's why they are so important. Often we overlook that which is staring us right in the face as unimportant. Unfortunately, by doing that we sabotage our relationships. By taking some of these blatant things into consideration before you move in with your lover, you are preventing stupid unnecessary fights that you will totally regret later.