Living the Married Life

It's been my experience that being married can at times, be the worst situation you will ever find yourself in. Almost as bad as reliving WWII, and that's on a good day. Seriously though, what is up with men {and I use that term lightly} these days? My husband and other boys I know, live under the assumption that they are the dominant ones in the relationship. To prove that fact, they proceed to go around beating there big ole monkey chests in powerful displays of dominance. And we, well, we are just little girls created to cater to there every fleeting whim and desire. To give birth to his highness's royal children, cook the royal meals and clean the royal castle. To have the kings slippers sitting by his royal throne {usually his favorite recliner} when he arrives home from doing his royal duties. And of course, let's not forget those rare occasions when they decide they want sex. And choose, in there typical barbaric fashion, to let us actually be a part of something. At least for the 5 minutes it takes them to climb on, and move around a bit. Then there snoring almost as soon as they fall off you and hit the bed. Meanwhile, we're left lying there cold, lonely, wide awake and wondering what we ever did to deserve this. Of course, our trusted friend waiting patiently in the bedside drawer, usually makes us feel somewhat better, even if only for a little while.

I don't know about most women, personally, I get really tired of being treated like a doormat. They think that its ok for them to go out with friends on Friday and Saturday nights, and stay until 2 or 3 in the morning. While we, being the good little girls we're supposed to be, sit at home with there royal children. But just let us mention him babysitting while we have a night away with the girls, boy is it ever on then. They just cant resist resorting to those little boy tactics they use on us. You know what I mean, those that, even though we know exactly how incredibly stupid they are, still can sometimes make us feel guilty. Those childish accusations they make while looking at you with those big innocent eyes. And, those just plain insecure questions they can throw at us when we least expect it. I think they practice these in front of a mirror when we're not looking, and wait until the perfect moment to use them. Some of my husbands favorites are 'Why do you need time away, all you do is sit home with the kids?" Duhhh, that's exactly why I need to get away. Another one of his favorites, {usually the one he uses right after he's done or said something really stupid to upset me] ' What's wrong with you?' Like I should be all smiles and laughing when he's just came home at 4 a.m. after a Friday night spent partying with friends. Or him calling me fat ass or some other insulting name, Just because he's in a bad mood. Oh, and let's not forget the most childish insecure one of all, ' uhhh Huh, I know why you wanna go out, you wanna find someone else.'

Newsflash honey, If I wanted someone else I wouldn't have to go out to find him and I definitely wouldn't be working as hard as I am to keep you happy. It really never ceases to amaze me how childish and immature men can be. There wants and needs always must come first, Its there natural order for things. Them, job, kids and if there's anything left over, don't forget the wife, Unless of course, there's a football game on. So, tell me, what's a girl to do when she's lonely, craving attention and romance, she's just not getting from her husband? Well, I've had 23 years to ponder that question. And to be honest, I'm no closer to an answer now, than I was at the beginning of my marriage. Should we, since we did say those words for better or worse, when we took our vows, be the good little girls were expected to be? Having no thought of our individual needs and wants. If we give 100% of everything we are to our husband, our kids, to someone else, what's left of us? It wont take long for us to burn out, our very essence, who we are, gone. So, once again, I ask the question, what should we do?Maintaining a sense of self is very important to a woman. We struggle for years trying to discover our true self. And for those of us who get married at a very young age, we never truly make that discovery. Our teenage years, a time when we are just beginning to come into our own, to realize our potential, Is lost. Consumed instead with taking care of our young husbands, changing diapers, raising kids, worrying about bills and responsibilities. We never reach that point of self discovery.

Maybe that's why so many of us who marry and have kids young are in therapy by the time we turn 30. Some women may tell you having an affair is the answer. And believe me, I've had many well meaning friends tell me I just need someone who will show me the attention my husband doesnt, that I would be so much happier afterwards. They may be right, I don't know. But to be honest, I really don't think so. Another one of those vows we took on our wedding day states that we will forsake all others. I know that a lot of women don't think about those vows, personally I happen to be one of those who do. I believe there are better, much more productive ways to handle our misery than to commit adultery. Recently, just by chance mind you, I found out that the challenge of giving myself to someone else, not my money, which is really a relatively easy thing to do. But myself, my time, my energy and my concern spent for the good of someone else, not because I have to, but because I choose to, can benefit me far more than it helps the other person. Making myself available to help someone who really needs it, increases my sense of self. It makes me feel like i'm really making a difference, making an impact on the world in which I live. It helped me to realize just how important I can be in someone's life. Which, in turn, opened me up to appreciate being caregiver of my family even more. It helped me begin to see the role I played in there life, in a whole new light. My husbands eyes were opened to the fact of my actually being invaluable to someone. Of my actively being involved in someone's life besides his own. I believe once his eyes were opened he began to appreciate me more. And thus, I began to appreciate and love myself just a little. Once I began this discovery I slowly began to blossom into the woman I was, inside, the woman I could be if I allowed myself. I began to really delve into my true authentic creative self. I knew I had always enjoyed writing, but with a husband and 5 kids to take care of, its something I hardly ever had time to do. Once I made that discovery I began to make an effort to write everyday. I started a journal which I added my thoughts to every night. It didn't matter if it was good or bad, I just wrote. Then later, I began to dabble a little in poetry and fiction. Found that I truly loved it and could get lost for hours in the depths of my thoughts. Then I began to think about what I could do to make myself feel more like the woman I was slowly pursuing. The woman I hoped to bring out of her shell. I realized I had never been one who treated or indulged myself in a lot of the little things that most women take for granted. Such as going to the hair saloon, tanning bed or even something simple like shopping for new silky, slinky underwear. Mostly because, as anyone with 5 kids to support can testify to, there just isn't enough money. But regardless, I began to treat myself one weekend a month at first. And then later, as I slowly emerged from this shell I had become over the years, I began to look forward to my little creative self discovery expeditions. Sometimes, it might be something as simple and inexpensive as browsing a new store I found interesting, just to see what was available. Or Buying a new perfume and scented body lotion, a new lipstick, browsing a new stationary store for unique styles of paper to use on my creative writing expeditions. Regardless, every month I treated myself to something my heart felt I truly needed. And as hard as it may be to believe, I began to change, to like the person I saw each day in the mirror, to become the woman I had always wanted to be. These may seem like such trivial, insignificant little things. I know you must be thinking, how can these possibly help me to become who I'm meant to be? And change my husbands attitude towards me, Towards our marriage? Well, We're women, and living life as the delicate fragile beings we are, we crave certain things. One of those is attention, if we don't get it from our husbands it must come from somewhere. So why not let it come from us, we know exactly what we want, what needs to be said, where to touch, and yes, self massage is an amazing experience. We crave indulgence, yet deny ourselves out of feelings of guilt or hopelessness. Nothing makes us feel more like a woman than an afternoon of self pampering. And of course, the perks come when your husband sees you wearing those new slinky bikini panties, all lathered down in wonderful smelling perfumed lotion, your hair shiny, nails done and skin all aglow from the afternoon facial you snuck away for. As he begins to see a change in how you treat yourself, it brings back memories of why he fell in love with you in the first place, and he begins to treat you differently. As you begin to realize your true worth as an individual, So does he. Try it, see if it doesn't make a huge difference in your life, your marriage and help you to become the true authentic self you were meant to be.