Living a Nightmare, Life with Anxiety/Panic Disorder

I remember as a teenager, watching my Mom have a mental breakdown, and thinking she had gone mad. She slept all day. She took these weird pills that would make her sleep and talk funny. I was the oldest and felt as though I had to be in charge. It seemed as though she spent years on the sofa sleeping. That was the way I remember it even though I didn't realize there might be more to the story then that. In those days it wasn't acceptable to "lose it", as they called it. I remember people telling her, "Can't you just snap out of it?" or "Stop feeling sorry for yourself". "Maybe you should just pray a bit more," they advised her. Mental illness wasn't understood then and unfortunetely still isn't. It wasn't accepted. People didn't want to know and you had better not tell,if you wanted to keep any semblance of respect. The whole neighborhood knew or at least I felt as though they did. I have to admit I was one of those people who thought that if you had a mental illness you were just plain crazy or at least I did up until about 5 years ago when my life began to change.

I had my daughter and things seemed as though they were great, until she was around 2 years old. I was on vacation with my ex fiancé. We had just got back from having dinner. We went to our hotel room. This awful, horrendous, feeling of doom overcame me. It was an absolutely dreadful sensation. I started sweating, my stomach ached. I felt as though I was going to vomit. My heart was beating so fast I was sure that it was the end of the road for me. I thought I was having a heart attack, I couldn't breathe. The walls were caving in on me. I remember thinking to myself that all I need is air.

My poor fiancé didn't know what to do. I eventually calmed down and fell asleep. After this episode the feelings started happening over and over again, when I drove and when I went to the grocery store. It started happening with everyday things. Like simple chores it eventually got so bad that I was unable to work. I was trapped inside my tiny one bedroom apartment with my two year old daughter. I thought I was going insane. I would pace back and forth in my living room. I was afraid to go outside. I was put on an antidepressant that actually made my panic attacks worse. I had a two year old daughter who was depending on me to take care of her and I couldn't even take care of myself. I remember telling myself, the police are going to find out that you are crazy, that you have gone mad. They are going to lock you up and take your daughter away from you. I would take tranquilizers during the day. If I didn't my mom said she was going to take me to the emergency room. I was out of control. I thought I had lost my mind. My sense of reality was not real anymore.

I wasn't sleeping and I started showing signs of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I had these rituals I would perform each night. Make sure the doors are locked. Make sure the windows are locked. I did this at least twenty times a night.

I was eventually changed on my medication and my condition started to stabilize. I was taken off the medication after a year and relapsed three months later. I have since been on two more medications and I take a tranquilizer at night when things get too bad. I have most of my life back. Five years later it is still a constant struggle. I never pretend that it isn't. Everyday is a new challenge. I have now come to the realization that this is an illness that I will no doubt have to live with for the rest of my life. I continue to fight it everyday. It has taken enough of me as it is. I refuse to let it take over more than it has.

Generalized Anxiety Disorders affect approximately 6.8 million American adults each year. It is two times more likely to affect woman than men. Sadly, only about 21% of people actually seek help and find it. About 1/3 of American adults have at least one panic attack during their lives. Most never have a repeat attack.