Living with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)

My name is ***** and I have OCD. I am 28 years old. I was diagnosed with OCD in 2002 though I am sure I have suffered most of my life with it.

From the age of 5 I felt different than other kids my age. I was always worried about one thing or another. My first memory of intense anxiety was when I was 5 years old. I started to obsess about death. I was sleeping in bed with my mom. I remember rolling over and watching her sleep. I became upset that maybe she would not wake up. I thought about life without "mommy". What would I do if she died? And then there was the time I was 8 years old and came across a cassette tape of the band "Air Supply". I actually thought we were born with only a certain amount of air to breathe in our lives and I held my breath because I did not want to run out. It upset me for days. I thought about it constantly. Then at the age of 10 I became increasingly upset that my grandmother would die and I would never see her again. This bothered me in particular because my grandmother has been the most stable part of my life from my birth until present. Thankfully she would sit me down and talk to me and be honest with me about death. She was very reassuring.

I honestly feel that I started to go down hill mentally when my grandfather passed away when I was 13. Death became a reality to me. A very scary reality. It was something my mom would not explain to me in a way that I could understand. Gradually my parents realized I had a problem-especially after my grandfather died. They took me to a therapist. He said I was depressed, so they tried me on various antidepressants until I turned 18. I myself became more aware that more was going on my mind than the depression diagnosis. I could not put my finger on it. I was afraid of being alone. I had to have a man in my life constantly or I panicked.

When I married my first husband I was out of whack. He further complicated things by telling me that the way I felt was all in my head and that if I ever went back on any medication he would leave and take our son with him. He told me he would take custody because I was "crazy". We split up soon after. Not for long though. We reunited shortly thereafter and our second son was conceived. And then he left me when I was pregnant... I became horribly anxious and again started obsessing about death. I even took my son and left state for a couple of months in hopes that it would clear my head and maybe I would feel better. Thankfully our marriage ended in divorce and needless to say I had custody of our sons.

After my second son was born I felt a little better. Due in part because I was in love. I was in love with my sons and I was in love with a great man-my new beau. But, things change and sometimes love does not last. It was a long distance relationship and the stress of being apart tore me up. I became anxious and irritable. I felt horrible. It took its toll on my kids and my love. I broke the relationship off. As much as I loved him, I needed more in my life. I needed him and it was not possible. So, I moved on.

My kids and I moved into our own place. It was fine at first. But, once again I started to become anxious. I was lonely. I was angry. I was desperate for love and it was not knocking on my door. I dated a little bit. Drank a lot to numb the anxiety which just made it worse. I started to become obsessed with perfection. I became obsessed with numbers and repetition. I had to check my doors at least 100 times a night in sequences of 10 to make sure they were locked. Back and forth, back and forth etc... I had to do it perfectly. Touch the door just right. Make sure my number sequences did not get messed up. If the phone rang or one of the kids needed me, I would start all over again. I would and could do this for 2 or more hours straight.

All the while I was battling it out in an ugly divorce. And the uglier it got the worse my anxiety was. As time passed I honestly felt I was going crazy. The more him and his family threatened me the more I felt like I was loosing my mind. The breaking point came when his brother started harassing me on the phone. That was it. I lost it completely. I called my mom and told her to come and get the kids. I did not want them to see me like that. She took me to the hospital where they in turn admitted me to a local in care facility for a couple of weeks to diagnose my problem (other than an ugly divorce). I met with a couple of psychiatrists. They asked me a lot of questions about my past and present mental history. They did their evaluations. It was in this facility that I was diagnosed with OCD. Thank you GOD!!!!!! They tried a couple of different medication combinations At last they found one that worked. I felt better than I had ever felt in my life. Finally there was a name for my problem and I was not going crazy. I was discharged from the facility a very relieved yet cautious person.

As time passed I saw, as did my family, the positive effects the medication was having in me. I was happy. Eventually though I became to confident in my mind and made some poor decisions causing me to loose custody of my kids to my parents. I took a behavior therapy class that in return enabled me to make better decisions in my life and learn to better control my OCD symptoms while even on the medication I was taking. I changed. Despite the fact that my kids now lived with my parents I still felt so much better. I still had a relationship with them and even started a new relationship of my own. I fell in love again.

We are married now and have a beautiful and wonderful little girl. I still have bouts of anxiety but I now have the knowledge to recognize what triggers me and when I need to step back and take a few deep breaths or just leave the situation for a few minutes or days if I can. I still take medication to keep my symptoms at bay. On occasion I do have severe panic attacks but I manage them. Thankfully God blessed me with an understanding husband who knows when I need to talk or when I need my space to deal with it. It has taken a lot of time to get to where I am now. Everyday is a learning experience for me.